Paris Hilton anorexia fears
Lynwood Jail - (Ass Mess): Untreated bulimic Paris Hilton is said to be under 24/7 observation once again at Lynwood Jail after raising anorexia fears.
Read full storyQueen returns all her bras and knickers to MBE-spurning lingerie retailer
Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): The Queen has said "Knickers!" to Joseph Corre, the Agent Provocatuer lingerie retailer who snubbed a MBE gong in the Birthday Honors.
Read full storyExperimental preschool creating near geniuses
The experimental preschool Head First uses the latest research in neurobiology, cognitive science, and learning theory to accelerate the development of children in its care.
Read full storyAishwarya Rai asked to promote new vibrating condom
Madhya Pradesh, India - (Ass Mess): Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai has been asked to help promote a new vibrating condom as part of the Asian International Safe Sex campaign launched today.
Read full storyRyan Sidebottom axed due to pirate claims
England new boy Ryan Sidebottom has been axed from all forms of international cricket due to claims that he is a pirate...
Read full storyCrimewatch Nick Ross Axed In Cold Blood At 59
Crimewatch presenter Nick Ross, 59, has been cruelly axed in cold blood after 23 years running the show. The show has helped to solve dozens of axe murders and many other serious axe crimes during its history.
Read full storySopranos Season Finale - A Masterpiece
Even 4 days after the season finale of the hit HBO drama, The Sopranos, the world seems to still be speculating about what David Chase, formerly known as David DeCesare, was thinking. This morning in a press conference, Chase, the brilliant writer o...
Read full storyHalf chicken Half cow
Last week, our reporter Dolph Harris went to the sleepy town of Catshite in Liverpool to find out whether or not the strange sightings of an apparent 2 ton black and white spotted chicken grazing in some fat blokes shed was real.
Read full storyGoldman Sucks says Tower Hamlets
London - (Ass Mess): Tower Hamlets Council has told a megabux rich US investment bank Goldman Sachs where to stick its £2 million offer to build a City Academy in its borough.
Read full storyAnna Nicole Smith's baby disinherited
Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): It's enough to make Judge Larry Seidlin weep with remorse: Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn Marshall Birkhead appears to have been deliberately disinherited from her late mother's will according to d...
Read full storyMan Eats Basketball For NBA Final Game 6
Topeka KS: James Stein loves basketball. The team does not matter, just watching basketball is what he lives for. With the NBS finals, the thrill is just as intense as any major sport finale. To show his devotion, and yes, addiction to basketball, Ja...
Read full storyWomen Gives Birth To Alligator. Ends Up In Coma
Topeka KS: Helen Nickerson was excited about the birth of her new baby. She and her husband Todd Nickerson have tried for years to have a baby with no luck. The help of a fertility clinic allowed their dreams to come true.
Read full storyHusband and Wife Of 20 Years Discover They Are Brother And Sister
Spokane WA: Bill and Millie Roth, married 20 years discovered today that they share the same father. The Roth's were having DNA tests to discover who was more compatible for their 18 year old son who needed a kidney transplant. The DNA results, w...
Read full storyOusted Crimebotch anchorman Nick Ross is Dando murder suspect
London - (Rotters): Crimebotch anchorman Nick Ross has emerged as a top suspect in the April 1999 murder of colleague Jill Dando.
Read full storyRaptor Dogs the new Pit Bulls, but with half the mess
Laguna Negra, Brazil A heretofore unknown Brazilian dog trainer has created a new protection dog which is taking the dog world by storm according to reports in the Journal Of Canine Hermeneutics. The trainer, Peinhador Luzad...
Read full storyBank says Nazi eagle emblem is secret of business success
London - (Ass Mess): Barclays Bank has admitted that the secret of its staggering business success is its Nazi-style eagle logo which has helped it earn massive profits in the European Union due to the Third Reich symbology.
Read full storyAgent Provocateur rejects birthday honors gong
London - (Ass mess): An undercover UK secret agent codenamed Agent Provocateur has rejected an MBE from Old Fatty Mountbatten on conscience grounds after telling MI6 head Jonathan Evans that Tony Blair is morally corrupt and...
Read full storyBloomberg's Withdrawl Leaves Republicans With No Satisfaction
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg withdrew from the Republican Party yesterday causing the unsatisfied Party to slam its palm on the headboard, fumble in the nightstand for batteries, and disappear into the bathroom.
Read full storyCrimewatch Nick Ross Quits Show In Mysterious Circumstances
Nick Ross, the presenter of BBC's Crimewatch for the last 40 years, has quit the show, saying he feels 'sidelined' by younger staff.
Read full storyCarter Attacks US
Former American, peanut farmer Jimmy Carter has slammed the Bush administration for their "wanton" interference with the Iranian nuclear programme.
Read full storyThe Spoof! To Offer One Rotten Egg To One Star Writers
One writer, who won't tell us his name (he's crying in the corner), was given one star for his first satire for The Spoof! We tried to explain that it's just a joke, but he claims the star was not a try-better-next-time gesture but a grade of complete utter failure. Admittedly, we don't know what the intent was behind the one-star reviewer. Personally, we like to read the one-st...
Read full storyMuslim Council Slams No Smoking Law
The Muslim Council of Edgware Road is enraged at the Government's smoking ban which they say will harm business for the many ethnic cafes in the "Beirut" area of London's West End.
Read full storyAll We Need is War
(The following document was discovered at the headquarters of Halliburton, recently relocated to Saudi Arabia)...
Read full storyCalifornia to Deport Cigarette Smokers
Unable to effectively police its borders to keep out illegal immigrants, and facing popular backlash for trying to do so, the state of California announced today that it was turning its attention to a group that has no defenders and is easy to identi...
Read full storyBig Brother: French Trip Planned
Channel 4 bosses have unveiled a novel plan to send the Big Brother housemates on a holiday to France as part of the show, which is currently boring viewers to death.
Read full storyBaker Balks at Bureau's Ban
BOSTON (Daily Bread) - Bostonian baker Betty Botter's beleaguered Beantown blues belie bleak blight brought about by blaspheming bureaucrats bent on blocking Botter's brilliant batter base.
Read full storyCruise or Travolta - Who Will Become New 'God' of Scientology
Lalaland (Toilet Times) - PayPerView Enterprizes has unveiled the most spectacular event ever to buzz the not-free airways. You too can pony up the bucks to see this monumental moneymaking miracle. In a no holds barred, knock-down, d...
Read full storyUSA Helps Israel Steal Land By Dividing Palestinians
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- Former US President Jimmy Carter said the USA, Israel and the European Union are dividing and oppressing the Palestinian people by reopening aid to the new Fatah government in the West Bank while denying aid to the Hamas go...
Read full storyPenis Advertising Will Be Coming to Every Store
Following recent highly publicised incidents involving cock-exposure on trains, in public and in restaurants, advertising companies have been quick to spot the potential of such occurrences.
Read full storyVista: play install DVD backwards- hear devil talking
Not only that, but a tiny photo of three grinning men -- less that 1 mm in size -- is one of several images incorporated into the hologram's design intended to make it harder to replicate a Vista DVD, according to Nick White on Microsoft's Vista team blog.
Read full storyAdam and Eve? NO! Adam and Steve
A recent report from the Institute of Historical and Bibliographical Studies (I.H.B.S) has found that Eve never existed. Scientist Robert Van Vinkel has been able to develop a DNA sequence from protons and neutrons obtained from original toilet paper...
Read full storyLate Night Adventures, Kimberly Stewart
"Hey guys, so this weekend I jetted off to beautiful Portofino, Italy for My Dad's Big Fat Rocker Wedding. (Rod, you Dog, YOU.) We've been going there for years, so the place is filled with great memories.
Read full storyFake-Ohm-One: dattaswami Intelligence and Mining
Swarmi Intelligence (SI) indicates a recent computational and behavioral metaphor for solving distributed problems that originally took its inspiration from the biological examples provided by social insects (ants, termites, bees, wasps) and by swarming, flocking, herding behaviors in vertebrates.
Read full storyDon't Read This.. What Paris Does In Prison
Paris tells her mother that this is how she is spending her time at the moment:...
Read full storyHenri Paul Was Not Drunk, Says Witness
Henri Paul, the driver of the black Mercedes in which Diana Princess of Wales and her boyfriend Alfie Dodd were travelling when they were killed, was NOT drunk, according to French s...
Read full storyDan Rather to Katie Couric: Katie, You Ignorant Tart!
With CBS's Evening News, with Katie Couric, facing the lowest ratings since 1987, Dan Rather, former anchor of CBS's Evening News, has been accused of sowing seeds of 'sexists sour grapes' for his criticisms of his ex-bosses for hiring Couric from the light-hearted, tongue in cheek, Today Show as his replacement. Saying, they are mistaken in thinking if they 'dumb it down and t...
Read full storyParis Hilton Endorses Ron Paul
Lynwood, CA. In a surprisingly candid interview with MSNBC's Matt Lauer, Paris Hilton today announced her endorsement of Ron Paul's (R-TX) candidacy. Speaking from a jail pay phone to Lauer, who was in New York City, Hilton explained she was...
Read full storyBush confused on Red/Blue Labels
PARIS - Upon hearing the news that a predicted "blue wave" failed to happen in the French Parliament, George W. Bush phoned Nicolas Sarkozy to congratulate him on the great news.
Read full storyGay Sailor discharged from US Navy repents, commits felony, joins Army
Fort Gordon, Georgia (UPI) - Former Petty Officer Second-Class Stefan Bozeman, an Arabic translator in the US Navy, was accidentally 'outed' via random electronic surveillance and then discharged under the military's "Don't Ask,...
Read full storyBeckhams Join Scientologists
Soccer star David Beckham and his celebrity wife Victoria stunned a press conference in Fresno, California today by announcing that Scientology (who some claim is a dark psychologically manipulative cult), was "not too bad really as religions go...
Read full storyStudy Finds That 14 Year-Olds Suck at Poetry
Cambridge, MA - A panel of 14 different experts in literature and poetry concluded a months-long study into the poetic abilities of the average fourteen year-old. Their findings were nothing if not disheartening.
Read full storyCob Has Disastrous Day Following Purchase Of "Just Terrible" Car
The reptilian impersonator Cob has had the worst day possible to ANYONE after buying a car described by neighbours as "the stupidest pile of junk they'd ever seen".
Read full storyNicole Richie Fighting For Her Right To Drive The Wrong Way
Nicole Richie's trial date has been set for July 11. Nicole has a prior DWW, (Driving Wrong Way) and if convicted - she might be incarcerated for up to 90 days. "That'll beat that Paris bitch." Richie said, as she stuffed a pregn...
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