Raptor Dogs the new Pit Bulls, but with half the mess

Funny story written by Benboom

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

Laguna Negra, Brazil A heretofore unknown Brazilian dog trainer has created a new protection dog which is taking the dog world by storm according to reports in the Journal Of Canine Hermeneutics. The trainer, Peinhador Luzadon, is credited with reviving the sagging Brazilian guard dog market which is currently suffering because of the poor performance of the Fila Brasilieros and Argentine Dogos often used there. Additionally, the dogs, which only weigh about 25 pounds, have created an entirely new kind of protection dog technique: the Piranha Attack, in which a group of dogs is employed to savage an intruder from all directions with a total body mass greater than that of the larger, more traditional guard dogs.

Only the bones are left, and they get chewed eventually.

The dogs, called Schutzhundchen, (Canis Deinodontia, or "terrible-tooth dogs", as their Latin name goes) are genetically modified Welsh Corgis. "They stopping you dead faster than any Pit Bulls," Luzadon says. "Fit under seat in plane, too."

Besides revitalizing the protection dog business they have created a boom in Belgium and Holland for knee sleeves, the protective wrappings which the trainers and handlers are obliged to wear. Schutzhundchen are now being used by Colombian gang lords to bring down American basketball players, whose only recourse is to pay small percentages of their income as protection money.

This has filtered down to other Latin American countries too, halving Mexico's foreign debt in just three months, according to recent statistics published in yesterday's Wall Street Journal. Nike has announced a new, glow-in-the-dark electric tear gas "Schutz Dissuader" specifically to counter the threat.

Usually known as a droll, small herding dog with short legs, the Corgi has been transformed into a ravening "pit mouse", as its fanciers call it. "We try ones with tails but didn't wanting dogs with handles," says Luzadon in his heavily accented English. He denied rumors that the Schutzhundchen are telepathic. "No need," as he puts it. "Bite off you ankles."

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced yesterday that the city would begin using the dogs in an ambitious attempt to finally rid the sewer system of alligators. Luzadon is under a strict non-disclosure agreement and cannot discuss the plan openly, but he did reveal that the blue merle variety of the Schutzhundchen will be used.

Luzadon, a former Nazi sympathizer who escaped to Brazil after the war, was technical adviser to the Gregory Peck film The Boys From Brazil.

For more details see the report in the March edition of the Journal Of Canine Hermeneutics.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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