Lalaland (Toilet Times) - PayPerView Enterprizes has unveiled the most spectacular event ever to buzz the not-free airways. You too can pony up the bucks to see this monumental moneymaking miracle. In a no holds barred, knock-down, drag-out free for all, the darlings of Dianutics, the swamis of scientology, Tom Cruise and John Travolta are squaring off and throwing down to decide who will replace L. Ron Hubbard as their new supreme being.
Having decided between the two burgeoning egos that it wouldn't be fair for them to share top Hubbardistic hubris, the two resolved to duke it out. Constantly jockeying for the spotlight to showcase their pseudo-religious ramblings, the twin twits of tinseltown have found it necessary to distract the public away from their lamentable lack of acting ability while keeping themselves in front of every camera and microphone they can finagle.
First stop on their preparation for the big showdown is to the Hollywood fashion zone. Both are scrambling for just the right super hero outfit that will personify the science fiction theme of their other worldly obsession. For Cruise it might prove to be' Mission: Impossible.' For Travolta, however, the competition will be stiff. So stiff, in fact that it might take a lot of 'Hairspray' to keep him 'up' for the challenge.
Next, the cover of the 75th release of 'Dianutics' (a total of one hundred copies are being rushed off the presses) will hit the streets with the face of only one of the fantastic fanatics. Since there have never been any pictures of L. Ron Hubbard, Cruise and Travolta are vying for the coveted cover, figuring to erase the notion that there never really was any such person as 'Father Hubbard,' and the fact that scientology is not and has never been recognized as an established religion for tax exemption purposes.
John 'Vinnie Barbarino' Travolta considers himself the front runner, since he's been 'on the scene' considerably longer than the wily whipper-snapper Tom 'Risky Business' Cruise. Cruise, however, with arm candy Katie Holmes and recent birth of their 'too-cute' daughter Suri (another 'divine' delivery daunting), thinks he's sure to mesmerize the masses into an obviously overwhelming 'ordination.'
Ultimately, it will be left up to you and me as to who wins the singular scientological superior spot. Judging from box office balances, Travolta has a lot of ground to make up. However, their fatuous fame is merely a preplanned pretext to hoodwink the naïve and unassuming audience and cast their spell on susceptible suckers from sunup to sundown and from sea to shining sea.
If you have more money than brains, and nothing better to do with your life, tune them in. You just might end up with about as much credibility as they have. Believe it or not. Scientology: it's not a religion; it's a maniacal method of massacring your money and your mind. So remember, no matter which way you throw your support (if you're that foolish), you'll only end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater. In other words, in this case, it's pure HOGwash.