Temuri Never Dies
FALLING pianos, uncovered manholes, exploding cars. No, not the latest series of mishaps devised for a new Warner Brothers cartoon - just a day in the life of former Dundee forward Temuri Ketsbaia.
Read full storyChapman Shoots down Lennon, Ono Distraught
LEE CHAPMAN last night slaughtered Nottingham Forest new boy Neil Lennon, by branding the former Celtic skipper "a clapped-out muppet".
Read full storyYoko Ono Retroactively Crowned Queen of Bad Taste
London, England (IP) - Yoko Ono was retroactively crowned the Queen of Bad taste in a spectacular ceremony viewed by a world wide pay per view audience.
Read full storyCherie Blair makes heavy dosh on anti-smoking case
Wife of former Prime Minister and Celebrity Ugly Sister, Cherie Booth QC has reportedly agreed to represent a fat cat restaurateur who is challenging the Government's ban on smoking in public places. Dave West, who owns the Abrac...
Read full storyFamily Build Moat Around Castle
THE bereaved family of entertainment kingpin Roy 'Record Breakers' Castle this week moved to fortify the tragic star's final resting place.
Read full storyFoot-in-mouth update: 'My old bull, Ned, collapsed before my eyes'
The second farmer to fall victim to the foot-and-mouth outbreak wept yesterday as he told how his constant arse banging of the poor beast eventually wore it out, and how he then gave it a dose of the dreaded disease in order to clear...
Read full storyTony Blair "I'm proud of my buttocks"
New Jersey, June, 2007: Atop the statue of Liberty, the former Prime Minister declared his love for seagulls amidst a storm of controversy over the 'Oil for seagulls' program.
Read full storyA Bit Of Shit Makes You Up For It
LONDON (Defecated News) - Oysters, champagne, a bit of massage, foreplay and fisting. These are the common ways gay and straight couples keep their love life alive. But now a fetish that has been tabboo for centuries is becoming a mainstream activity...
Read full storyWas VECO's Bill Allen in ExxonMobil's pocket as bankrupcy threatens oil giant?
Anchorage, Alaska - (Malodorous Mess): As he pleaded guilty to a raft of corruption charges earlier this year related to bribing bent Alaskan state and Capitol Hill politicians VECO's ex-CEO Bill Allen stayed strangely reticent about his relation...
Read full storyDiebold Defends Voting Machines
North Canton, Ohio (Icky Sticky Press) - Fending off nationwide controversy regarding the security of its electronic voting machines once again, Diebold Election Systems now claims that its products are safe and that corrupt human beings are the prob...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan chases car tyres
World famous pubic lice keeper, Lindsay Lohan, was today witnessed chasing the tyres of a Ford 100 pickup truck.
Read full storyStephen Hawking: "Call me rap master Steve-E-STEVE."
(Cambridge-England) It was to be another lecture by noted theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. But the familiar synthesized voice uttered an unanticipated phrase. "You can't touch this." After which, MC Hammer's 1980's rap cla...
Read full storyMexican Sombreros Alien Origins Established
Mexico City, Meheecoe (IP) - Scientists investigating numerous reports of UFO fly overs in Mexico have come to the conclusion that the Mexican sombrero is nothing more than a replica of a type of UFO commonly seen in this part of the world. They als...
Read full storyFoot-in-the-Mouth: A cancerous tumour on the arse of Great Britain.
Foot-in-the-mouth disease strikes the UK, yet again "Those dirty farmers don't know how to control their nobs," says Gordon Ramsay, British PM...
Read full storyDick Cheney Accidently Shoots All Senate Democrats
Washington DC (IP) - Dick Cheney accidentally shot every Democrat member of the Senate and even a couple of Republicans and one Independent.
Read full storyArse Fingering On The NHS from 2009
LONDON (Defecated News) - It's been a killer and a cause of worry and illness for many. Prostate cancer is an evil bastard that affects more than 30 million British men aged over 60 every day. Treatment to date has been limited, with the focus be...
Read full storyGazza marries his dog
In a remarkable turnaround of fortunes crazed alcoholic Paul Gascoigne has finally found true love. Later this month St James's United Reform Church in Newcastle will witness one of the most amazing wedding ceremonies in recent history when the t...
Read full storyFortune Favours the Braves
FORMER Manchester United star Quinton Fortune last night stunned the sporting world by turning his back on football to sign a deal with Major League baseball side the Atlanta Braves.
Read full storyBacklash Against UK Smoking Ban
LONDON (Defecated News) - Just weeks after what appeared to be a success, the UK's new smoking laws are coming under scrutiny. One group has even planned attacks.
Read full storyMan vs Wild 2007 Mystery Solved
Hollywood, California (IP) - TheSpoof.com reporters have unravelled the growing Man vs Wild mystery that has been tormenting fans worldwide. The Man vs Wild series is also known as Bear Grylls: Born Survivor on British TV and is shown there on Chann...
Read full storyIndian Man Has 'A Cure for AIDS'
AHMEDABAD, INDIA (Defecated News) - Many have claimed to hold powers to heal, often beyond the limits of what is believable. Crystal healing, and various other bullshit has been offered without any proof of clinical effectiveness.
Read full storyIt's official: "Women are lazier than Men"
Lads mag "Tasty Tets" has today published what we have all known for some time, women are indeed lazier than men.
Read full storyPrince Offends Muslim Youths
WINDSOR (Defecated News) - Interfaith relations in the UK were left in tatters after the Duke of Edinburgh called a group of Muslim youth workers 'a gang of fucking Taliban bomber-training bastards' yesterday.
Read full storyC3PO and R2D2 to dance like Footballers
The camp golden robot C3P0 and his mute, somewhat irritating pal R2D2, from space documentary Star Wars, are to dance like Footballers in an attempt to resurrect their moribund film careers.
Read full storyBill Gates issues apology for patronizing Paper Clip on Word
Nerdy Multi-millionaire Bill Gates today issued a heart-felt and sincere apology on behalf of the paper-clip which is the bane of every office workers life.
Read full storyRocket Scientist Proposes New Space Station System
Mount Palomar, California (IP) - Now that the 200 inch Mount Palomar telescope has been sold on ebay resident astronomers and rocket scientists have a lot of time on their hands as they wander around the empty spot where the telescope once stood.
Read full storyIs Bush a worse liar than Nixon?
Washington DC - (Frankly Ludicrous Press): Despite the reluctance of an ultra-covert 'Deep Throat 2007' mole to play his/her trump card as yet, the growing mood on Capitol Hill this week is unanimous that George W Bush is an even worse liar t...
Read full storyDuchess' Fury as her Green Plan Chucked
The Duchess of Cornwall is said to be devastated over the failure of her notion for saving time and energy.
Read full storyGordon Brown forms new cabinet based around Pulp Fiction
Gordon Brown, Britain's brand spanking new Prime Minister has formed a new Government, basing his characters around personalities from the cult film, Pulp Fiction.
Read full storyKate Middleton's boating fantasy sinks
English Channel - (Ass Mess): Over-confident self-publicist Kate Middleton has been warned off trying on yet another attention-seeking stunt in the shape of a boat race across the Channel after her lawyers told her she'd been rumbled by the Fraud...
Read full storyRowling fails to scotch Anne Robinson rumors
Edinburgh - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Plagiarising fraudster and serial childrens' book story thief JK Rowling has lost a High Court attempt to gag reports that she is the daughter of the BBC gargolye presenter Anne Robinson.
Read full storyA Levels - Shock as they stay the same
Political pundits, teachers and pupils are gearing up for the release of A Level results in the next two weeks, with the shock news that results have stayed exactly the same as last year.
Read full storyCivil partnership at 35 for Pretender's heir apparent
Clarence House - (Ass Mess): Prince William will have a Civil Partnership similar to Elton John's with David Furnish when he's 35 according to Clarence House sources today.
Read full storyUK National Health Service Infiltrated By Islamic Extremists
Following the revelations that some of those involved in the recent Glasgow Airport attacks had been working in UK hospitals there has been increasing calls for the Government to investigate the NHS which has been long since suspected of being a bre...
Read full storySupermarket Chain to Offer Free Drugs; Rock Stars Queue Up
CAPE CORAL, Florida (Heewack News Network) -- Dozens of rock stars lined up outside the Pubix supermarket here after the chain announced that it would provide free quantities of certain drugs.
Read full storyNew iMac Coming from Apple; Steve Jobs Inside
A new iMac is rumored to be coming from Apple. Most of the gossip surrounding the product launch concerns screen size and pricing. Apple may eliminate the 17" screen and start at 20". Pricing on the 20" new iMac model...
Read full storyThe health of the olympics
The olympic governing body has, after years of debate, agreed to a new competition called 'couch potato'.
Read full storyBritish Black Woman Athlete Makes Drugs Comeback With New Name
Christine Ohuruogu, the British women's 400m sprinter who was banned from the sport for a year, has been handed a lifeline back into the sport, after being included in the squad for the World Championships in Osa...
Read full storyiShark found off the coast of Yorkshire
Following the sighting of a "Great White" shark off the coast of Cornwall a new species of shark was discovered by scientists off the Yorkshire Coast near Bridlington.
Read full storyLonely Hearts
Bearded Male with GSOH seeks similar female for Naturist Morris Dancing. Must provide own stick and Bells.
Read full storyUS Foot-And-Mouth Outbreak Confirmed
President George Bush has said in a Whitehouse statement this morning that an outbreak of deadly Foot-And-Mouth disease has been confirmed in the United States for the first time since 1929.
Read full storySchool Finds Little Knife on Yani
Traylor Park, New Jersey (IP) - Seven year old Yani Finootch was walking home from school one day last month when suddenly he spotted something shiny reflecting sunlight up through the blades of grass. He had found a tiny pocket knife laying on the ground. The knife had a blade that was only a half inch long and it also had a tiny pair of scissors, a screwdriver, file, a pair of tiny tweezers, a...
Read full storyBush Deploys US Submarine to South Pole in Response to Russian Land Grab
US and A (Defense News Weakly) - The Honorable George W. Bush today announced that he intends to send a submarine under the South Pole to plant a US flag. In a measured response to last week's move by Russia to plant a flag under the North Pole,...
Read full storyMissing Weapons in Iraq "Not That Big of a Deal" Claims White House
District of Columbia (Field & Stream) - The estimated 190,000 missing AK-47's and pistols that the US has issued to Iraqis is "not that big of a deal" according to White House spokesman Tony Snow.
Read full storyGiant Planet Weighs Very Little; George Lucas Questioned
Flagstaff, Arizona (Starstuff Daily) - Astronomers at Christopher Lowell Observatory have detected a new planet outside our solar system nearly as large as Jupiter. Located in the constellation Hercules, the planet is nicknamed TrES-4 and possesses...
Read full storyThe Weapons Flew, The Pentagon Knew
In a startling revelation, George Bush appears to be a loyal president. A recent report released by the 51st Congressional Oversight Committee revealed that the Pentagon had 'lost' over 190,000 AK-47's and thousands of other assorted wea...
Read full storyNew High Speed Amtrak Train to Top 500 MPH
Upyers Press - Amtrak Officials have been working on a highly controversial, yet secret project at a test facility located in northern Alaska. The train has been under development since 2000 and has reached speeds as high as 666 mph, but would only a...
Read full storySnooring Spouses Inspire Spoofers
Surprise, TheSpoof.com may owe its silly stories to sleeping spouses of spoof writers. Several spoofers say they spend sleepless nights spoofing while spouses snore. The sleepless spouses have to have something to do and less slee...
Read full storyYorkies Recover from 4th, Still Await Christmas
Yorkies all over the U.S. hid under beds and sofas last month when the fireworks went off. Now some of them are coming out of hiding and a few have fully recovered after sessions with pet psychics and psychologists. However they are still waiting f...
Read full storyThe Socio-Economic Impact of Anti-Disestablishmentarianismistologianistics as Perceived by Barnaby J
While it may very well be true that Disestablishmentarianism originated in the northern province of Wales back in 24 A.D., it is by far the least pronounced. Yet the ripple effect generated by its onset can still be felt today. Sir Barnaby Jones of the Schlameel, Schlamazel, Hosselbeck Incorporated Trust, (S.S.H.I.T.), has an austere outlook of the situation. This is a compilation of his though...
Read full storyBoogers on a Bus Latest Movie Hit
Hollywood, California (IP) - First there was the big movie hit, "Snakes on a Plane" and now the great blockbuster movie hit of the year, "Boogers on a Bus" has hit the silver screen just in time for the end of summer.
Read full storyMcDonalds Wins Bid to Serve Food on UA and AA Airlines
Friendly Skies News - Today McDonalds announced that they have struck a deal to begin serving their full menu on United Airlines and American Airlines. The news is a bit of a shock since both airlines have been cutting back severely on perks, such as...
Read full storyDoctors Using X-Ray Glasses In Rural Hospitals
Hayesville, North Carolina (IP) - Doctors in this rural town at the edge of Cherokee County are using X-Ray glasses in their every day work. Cherokee County is strapped for cash and the County Administrator collects aluminum cans and recycles them i...
Read full storyJohn Lennon Rises from Dead to Attend Million Man March on Washington
CCN - Crazy Cal News - Washington - John Lennon rose from the dead to attend a Million Man March on Washington, D.C. where United States citizens held an anti-war sit-in in front of the White House. Millions of protesters showed up to sit and sing &...
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