Temuri Never Dies

Written by Rory Butternuts

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

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FALLING pianos, uncovered manholes, exploding cars. No, not the latest series of mishaps devised for a new Warner Brothers cartoon - just a day in the life of former Dundee forward Temuri Ketsbaia.

In an amazing interview with the Tblisi-based gossip magazine Chatski, Ketsbaia tells of how he cheated death a remarkable SEVEN times in one eventful afternoon in his hometown of the Georgian capital.

The former Dens ace - now working as a candlestick maker in his homeland after a brief stint with Gogeyburn Juniors failed to result in the offer of a contract - escaped from the trail of terrible events unscathed, despite three would-be assassins meeting their untimely deaths in their attempts to murder Ketsbaia.

Comments made by the former Georgian international in soccer weekly, When Saturday Comeski, had apparently angered fans of Dinamo Batumi who took umbrage when Ketsbaia labelled them as "fatherless goats" - a fierce insult in Georgian custom. As a former player of their hated rivals, Dinamo Tblisi, Ketsbaia's insults were seen to be a declaration of war between the two clubs and a contract was put out on the star's bald head.

A fan group representing Dinamo Batumi hatched an ingenius plan to assassinate Ketsbaia when he left for work one evening by clambering onto the roof of his small candlestick makers shop with a grand piano. Carefully holding the 'weapon' in place they waited for the folically-challenged ace to emerge at the end of his shift - only for their plans to go horribly awry.

Ketsbaia himself explains: "After a hard day's work the last thing you need is for a bunch of fatherless goats to be perched on your roof intnet on knocking you off with a grand piano. I couldn't believe it.

"Thankfully god is a Dinamo Tblisi supporter and he came to my aid in my hour of need.

"Apparently the dying rays of the setting sun had reflected off my chrome dome and into the eyes of the assassins, blinding them as to my precise whereabouts.

"They decided just to drop the piano anyway but in their panic they forgot to let go of the rope and came tumbling down along with the instrument. All three were killed while I, some 10 metres away, escaped unscathed."

As news spread among the Dinamo Batumi underground that Ketsbaia had escaped the attempt on his life, several other splinter cells were ordered into action.

"Yes, there were more of the fatherless goats," spat Ketsbaia. "I climbed into my car in order to make my way home, unbeknown to me that a banana had been stuck up my tailpipe. In these old Eastern European cars such as trick can prove fatal as the build-up in pressure can result in a massive explosion. Thankfully though, at the precise moment of the blast, I had bent over to fast-forward my Scorpions tape as I really wanted to hear Wind of Change, which was the next track. The ball of flame shot right over my head and I was able to roll out of the car without a mark on me. Those stupid fatherles goats."

Another four attempts on Ketsbaia's life were made over the course of the afternoon, all resulting in similar amazing escapes. It was originally thought there had been five after the former Tayside marauder plummeted some 100ft after falling down an uncovered manhole outside his home.

But Ketsbaia said: "No, my wife is just a careless bint. I told her to cover that up weeks ago. As luck would have it though, what with this country being a bit behind and all, the new craze sweeping through Georgia at the moment is those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As a result there are hundreds of kids mucking about in the sewers with bandanas over their eyes calling themselves Leonardoski, Raphealski and the like. Turns out I landed plumb on top of a group of them. The kids themselves are in intensive care but I escaped without a scratch. Result."

Ketsbaia failed to comment on rumours that a brittle-looking Samuel L. Jackson had been gathering press clippings of these amazing escapes and was now stalking him.

* Since this article was written Ketsbaia has been admitted to hospital in a critical state after tragically choking on a bone whilst eating his breakfast kipper

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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