'The Juice' Can't Get a Break
LOS ANGELES - A Los Angeles superior court judge has ordered that any money O. J. Simpson earns from the sale of his new 'The Juice' orange juice dispenser must go directly to the family of the late Ronald Goldman. Simpson, who partnered wit...
Read full storyJaws Takes Bite Out Of Crime
A massive drug deal was hindered yesterday by none other than a great white shark.
Read full storyMan Breaks Neck while Eating Beans
Last night Harold hernia 65 apparently broke his neck whilst munching on his favourite evening snack "Herbert's Bulgarian Beans" all was going swimmingly until Harold took his last bite of the rich in iron snack.
Read full storyLady Lucan killed Lord Lucan: Scotland Yard
London - (Ass Mess): Lady Lucan killed her husband Lord Lucan after a frenzied fight over the family silver on the night the noble Lord fatally attacked his children's nanny Sandra Rivett.
Read full storySurvivorman Takes on the Elements
Montreal, Canada (IP) - Tonight is the opening night for Les Stroud's Survivorman fall season. This show, along with Man Vs. Wild, have enjoyed phenomenal growth in their popularity this year and tonight's episode promises to be a good one.
Read full storyWorld shares fall on Corrupt Bastards Club rumors
Wall Street - (Rioters): Hundreds of billions of dollars were wiped from stock markets today amid persistent rumors that the Corrupt Bastards Club has infiltrated global financial institutions and is planning to finance a heist on Antarctic oil rese...
Read full storyStem-cell technology allows animal-free meat
While poorly educated societies living under constant fear of Mad Cow Disease and Avian Flu grapple with the concept of eating cloned beef, a Green approach for supplying the ever-increasing global market with meat products is receiving little attent...
Read full storyUK Identity cards - It's a reality
The UK government has finally decided to implement its decision on ID cards.
Read full storyNew Hampshire Announces 2008 Presidential Primary Held Yesterday
New Hampshire fired a deciding shot in the skirmish to decide what state would kick off the 2008 primary decision by announcing that its 2008 Presidential Primary was held yesterday.
Read full storyGoogle offers to buy TheSpoof.com for $1 zillion!
Google, that powerhouse of Internet technology, has reportedly made an offer to buy TheSpoof.com website for $1 zillion.
Read full storyVisitors sad as Dust Museum shuts for stock-take
Visitors and Tourists in Leicester were sad at the temporary closure of its world famous Dust Museum for Stock-taking.
Read full storyExoplanet TrES -ALKA-5 Discovered
Mount Palomar Campus, California (IP) - Our science reporter just learned that another exoplanet has been found in the same stellar system occupied by TrES-4 in an orbit about twice as far as the first planet.
Read full storyU.S. Post Office Lays Off All Employees But Two
Mephistopheles, Tennessee (IP) - The United States Post Office has decided to downsize their operations to save money and also will raise the price of its stamp. The price of the new stamp will be $47,350.
Read full storyUK spooks get the last laugh as David Shayler falls for psychic prophecy
Whitehall - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Not since ex-Prime Monster Tony Blair's wife Cherie pleaded with British TV audiences "Do I really look bonkers?" have spooks at MI5 and MI6 had such a good laugh with today's news that fo...
Read full storyNursery Closed After Road Rage Children Go Crazy
LONDON (Defecated News) - The quiet leafy suburb of Northwood, Middlesex transformed into baby mayhem yesterday.
Read full storyCliff Richard Suspected of Being an Immortal Impostor
Surrey Police have detained Cliff Richard on the charge of being an impostor who is possibly an immortal alien, their suspicions having been raised by the Peter Pan singer's never-never-ending copyright extension term proposals.
Read full storySpace Shuttle Makes Emergency Landing at Airport
Las Vegas, Nevada (IP) - The Space Shuttle made an emergency landing at Las Vegas International Airport this morning at 0300 hours UTC. The problem which precipitated the unscheduled landing was a lack of alcohol required by some of the members of...
Read full storyOprah Accused of Money Laundering
(Chicago) - Super rich talk show host, Oprah Wimpy, today was accused of money laundering.
Read full storyBig Ben To Bong For The Last Time
Confusion is expected in central London tomorrow when Big Ben, the mother of all grandfather clocks, will stop ticking for good.
Read full storyTrES-4 Exoplanet Teaming With Termites
West Palm Beach, Florida (IP) - Termite scientist, astronomer, and spokesman Dr. David Tomasello who works for Tomasello Pest Control in West Palm Beach, Florida has announced that the Exoplanet TrES-4 should not be towed near the Earth because he ha...
Read full storyTallest Man In The World Eclipsed By New Tallest Man In The World
Contrary to a tall story last month on The Spoof that a Mongolian relative of Genghis Khan was the tallest man in the world, a Ukranian man has now been officially recognised as the new tallest man i...
Read full storyPink Panther sequel casts Aishwarya Rai as Koh-i-Noor cat burglar
Hollywood - (Ass Mess): Bollywood queen Aishwarya Rai is to star alongside Steve Martin, Andy Garcia, John Cleese and Alfred Molina in a Pink Panther sequel that will see her topping the bill as an elusive cat burglar out to steal the fabled Koh-I-No...
Read full storyAnimals Will No Longer Warn Humans of Impending Disasters
Tahiti, South Pacific (IP) - Our investigative reporter has just been informed that animals will no longer warn humans of impending disasters. Many animals let humans know when the great tsunami hit the Pacific Island a couple of years ago. The sam...
Read full storyPower Failure Knocks Out Milky Way Galaxy Star Light
Greater Magellanic Coud, Milky Way Galaxy (IP) - Last night a problem with the Milky Way's power plant knocked out power to the entire galaxy for two hours. The Milky Way's two satellite galaxies, the large and small Magellanic couds, were n...
Read full storyMount Rushmore Planned to Be Replaced With Naked Bush
George W. Bush's least trustworthy architect yesterday revealed blueprints of a plan to recarve American monument Mount Rushmore, which currently displays the heads of the four founding fathers, into an erotic picture of Bush naked, including the...
Read full storyBush Discovered To Have Extra Banana Genes
American President George W. (Wanker) Bush has been revealed to have 75% more banana genes than a normal human.
Read full storyPM Declares Jihad and Attains Hafiz Status
Gordon Brown, the UK Prime Minister, yesterday declared a Jihad (Islamic Holy War) on America. In a stunning statement of just how bad Bush-Brown relations had become, he urged all Englishmen living in the USA to fight back against persecution of the...
Read full storyBush Karzai agree to keep hiding
Afghan President Hamid Karzai said Monday, in a joint press conference with still President George Bush that he is working to root the Taliban from their mountain hideouts. The press conference was held at President Bush's mountain hideout Camp...
Read full storyRussian Lady Crowned Miss Boring 2007
LONDON (Defecated News) - Isabel Chernokova was yesterday crowned Miss Boring 2007 at the less than glitzy pageant in Sothend-On-Sea, Essex. Finalists flocked by the dozen from around the world to the event sponsored by Channel 4'...
Read full storyUK's Oldest Goldfish Has A Very Happy Birthday
Pet fish sensation, Goldie, the UK's longest living goldfish, is celebrating his 103rd birthday today and looks set to carry on swimming into the record books.
Read full storyWest Ham Boss Eggert Magnussen Discovered to be an Egg - It's no Yolk
Eggert Magnussen, the West Ham chairman whose hobbies include paying crap players 70k a week, and spending afternoons dropping £50 notes down the drain (or into the pockets of Lucas Neill) caused a brief sensation yesterday when, during a routine che...
Read full storyFirst Gay Divorce Recorded
San Francisco, site of the nation's first officially recognized same-sex marriages, has just seen the first known same-sex divorce. Newlyweds Ben Dover and Bud Fugger, who during their 5-month marriage took turns being the girl, went to court tod...
Read full storyCongressional Republicans introduce new abortion bill
Republicans in the House and Senate recently introduced a new bill concerning abortion. Key provisions are as follows:...
Read full storyBush's Grab of Iraqi Oil Unites Iraq Against the USA
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Iraq's Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds are uniting in their fight against the oil laws that George Bush and his Big Oil cronies are pushing in the Iraqi Parliament.
Read full storyChristmas Doctor Who To Feature Felicity Kendal
The Head of BBC Entertainment has said in a statement, that more ex-celebrities have been invited to star in the exciting new Christmas Doctor Who episode.
Read full storyJohn Cleese Denounces the Name "Virgin America" Airlines
London - John Cleese is speaking out against the new branch of Virgin Airlines, calling Virgin American a "sham".
Read full storyMaddie Top Cop Defends Blundered Investigation
Lisboa, PORTOOGAAHL (Defectaed News)- Over 100 days after little Maddie went missing, Portuguese police are finding themselves under greater scrutiny and criticism and in deep shit. Until now, they have refused to talk to us - until...
Read full storyLegionnaires Disease Outbreak Leaves One Dead, Others Feeling "Ropey"
The laboratory in Surrey at the centre of the Foot & Mouth outbreak investigation, is being blamed for the outbreak of another potentially fatal illness, Legionnaires Disease, in the West Midlands to...
Read full storyLord Lucan Found 'Sitting On A Log" By Hobbits In New Zealand
Lord Lucan, the eccentric English peer who disappeared from the face of the earth after his children's nanny was murdered in 1974, has been found alive and well by Hobbits in New Zealand.
Read full storyMichael Jackson - Latest Interview.
LOS ANJILEEZ (Defecated News) - He's getting on a bit, can't make decent music anymore and does not molest boys. Broke pop king Michael Jackson has been in hiding since being cleared of child abuse charges, and many...
Read full storyMore People Nearly Die from Sensory Deprivation
Picabo, Idaho (The Daily Spud) - Move over, methamphetamine epidemic. The latest craze is frighteningly more common and three times as addictive.
Read full storyHop off Henry!
Ex- Arsenal legend Thierry Henry has said that he wants to get away from everything English - including his wife!...
Read full storyGladys Beckham In Shock Soccer Debut
LOS ANJILEEZ (Defecated News) - Finally, the moment the football world has been waiting for arrived last night. David Beckham's multi-million dollar deal with L.A. Galaxy, based in L.A. was shown to the fans in full glory.
Read full storyBarry Bonds & Bob Costas Come to Oral Blows
US and A (ESPN) - After Barry Bonds referred to sports commentator Bob Costas as "a little midget man who doesn't know jack about baseball", Costas has upped the ante by giving Bonds the nickname 'The Juicer'. (Strangely, Mr. B...
Read full storyElderly Pilots Insist That They Are Fit To Fly
Bedford, New Hampshire (AP) - The recently-formed Senior Pilots Coalition (SPC), whose membership now exceeds more than 250, is challenging the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) 48-year-old rule that requires commercial airline pilots to retire a...
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