UK's Oldest Goldfish Has A Very Happy Birthday

Funny story written by Duff

Friday, 10 August 2007

image for UK's Oldest Goldfish Has A Very Happy Birthday
Now I just need to swim over here to...Bugger it! I've forgotten what I was doing

Pet fish sensation, Goldie, the UK's longest living goldfish, is celebrating his 103rd birthday today and looks set to carry on swimming into the record books.

The long-living scaly one, property of little Becky Purkiss from Penge, is said to be over the moon. When we asked him what he put his long life down to he told us:

"I likes a glass of sherry a day and a pack of twenty Woodbines before me lunch. I don't smoke fags in the afternoon but do enjoy a pipe of "St Bruno" after me dinner like"

David Attenborough, the top animal bloke in the world comments:

"He really is a phenomenon. 103 and still going, quite remarkable. Of course goldfish years are approximately a month compared to human years, but hey! Fair play.

Don't print that will you, because I know f**k all about goldfish. Monkeys is my main thing. I mean goldfish ain't really proper animals are they?"

But last word on the matter goes to Rick Stein, the affable fish fryer from Padstow.

"If I could get hold of him I'd fillet him and serve him up in a beurre blanc, maybe with little potatoes au gratin"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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