Whitehall - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Not since ex-Prime Monster Tony Blair's wife Cherie pleaded with British TV audiences "Do I really look bonkers?" have spooks at MI5 and MI6 had such a good laugh with today's news that former IRA terrorist and disgraced spy David Shayler has fallen hook, line and sinker for a psychic reading proclaiming him the New Messiah.
"It took our special effects scriptwriting department a weekend or so to cook up this scam," a top Whitehall mandarin seconded to NATO military intelligence said today.
"We laid a trail that sent him to see world renowned tea-leaf reader Mrs Doris Groggins, a favorite with Cherie, Lord Levy and other notable WMD fantasists.
"She's been one of our top-notch field operatives for decades now and could be relied on to tell that little shit Shayler exactly what he desperately wanted to hear, namely that she channelled her 'spirit guide' Mary Magdalene, who then anointed him as the Messiah.
"Fortunately Shayler was wearing his customary waterproof underwear that day so we won't be getting a bill from good old Mrs G for recovering her brand new draylon suite!
"Anyway, a few hallucingenic herbs in his cuppa soon had him in a tizzy and that nigh,t after his psychic reading, he had a bit of a cosmic revelation.
"Just as we had hoped!
"Now he thinks the Old Testament was written with a predictions showing that an anagram of David Shayler Righteous King fulfills the prophecy that will cast him as the next Messiah.
"And make him tons and tons of loot!"
Shayler told UK TV news yesterday that since his cosmic experience he can now bend time/space in the form of being able to change the weather and stop terrorist bombings in London by the power of meditation.
But the icing on the cake has to be Shayler's extraordinary new gift being able to get crappy football team Middlesbrough a place in the 2006 UEFA cup final against Seville.
The team bombed, of course.
As will Shayler. Again!
