BRAZIL WAX NOW: 10,000 Trenton Women Rallying to Make Men the Only Waxers

Funny story written by harrytrumanmo

Monday, 27 March 2023

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Gregory, please make America honestly great again.

NEWS FLASH: Trenton, New Jersey, 9:23 a.m. EST.

Our on-site reporter is keeping our news desk on the Delaware River in Washington's Crossing constantly updated about this volatile situation. Right now, we are bringing this news to our readers simultaneously. Here's the latest from Juan Abee, our reporter on the spot and international correspondent for the public housing projects in Lower Manhattan:

Here's our live reporting from the steps of the New Jersey Statehouse in Trenton, as the state police and local police struggle to hold back a frightening copy of what happened in Washington on January 6. Governor Murphy and his Commissioner of Health, Lotta Sinecures, are expected to come out of their office and address the raging crowd edging closer and closer to the Statehouse doors.

Juan, what's up?

Well, Louie, this is a very frightening stand-off. As I look at the gold dome of the state capitol and see the sun glinting off it over the Delaware, I can't help but feel the terror reporters and Capitol Hill police felt during the January 6 insurrection. The crowd estimate is growing by the minute as busloads of angry Garden State women are dropped off on State Street. Cars are jammed from Lambertville on Route 29 all the way to the State Correctional Facility on Woolverton Street at the far southern outskirts of Trenton. Estimates are that the crowd size is 15,000 women now and growing by the second. Let's listen in as Nogonna Waxnomore, a green card holder from Brazil, addresses the crowd from the top of the capitol building's steps:

"Sisters, okay okay thank you. Thank you. Love you back. The roar you are making this morning can be heard all the way to the public housing on the far northern edge of our state. Let 'em have it, lionesses. Excellent, I think they can hear you all the way to Nova Scotia. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, let our Canadian sisters feel our passion too."

(Crowd shouting) "Our VJJs our Way, Our VJJs Way!"

"Thank you. Thank you. Now let's have a moment of calm. Good, much better. When I came to New Jersey from Rio three years ago, I never imagined I'd be leading the fight to make men Brazil wax. Oh, and let's have a shoutout to the MS 12.5 gang members here today, men with machetes wanted by the State Police who have dared to show up today. Thank you muchachos. I know that after most of you have experienced being locked up in prisons in Honduras and El Salvador, the jails in America must feel like the Hilton. Still, you're risking your lives being here today and we deeply appreciate your solidarity in joining our fight by your own Brazil waxing. It takes real machismo for you to wax your cojones, but it makes more of a man. You are not pitas, you are jefes, and the machismo of the machismo that makes our Latin blood flow. Any man who endures what you are enduring is a saint. Let's hear it for MS 12.5, muchachas!"

Today, me amigas and non-binary-trans amigos representing the most feared bad hombres on the planet, we are not just a group of Latinas from the places where Spanish men long ago begat children with lovely indigenous women. We are all one: Puerto Ricans, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, Latvians, and yes, even our sisters from Russia have joined us today. Take that, Mr. Putin, with your private pole dancer twenty years younger than you, paid for with your multi-million dacha on the Black Sea, paid for by your oppressed people. I hope you're choking on your morning borscht. You too, Mr. Kim Jong Un, or whatever generation of psychopaths in your family who have kept North Koreans in concentration camps, starving to death and eating their own ca ca. And let's not forget MBS, out there living in his castles built on the oil and backs of his poor people. Do you see, Crown Prince, all these women here today gathered without their head coverings? (Sure, the NJ DMV was making them remove their headscarves for their license photos, but don't worry, "woke" Jews from the ACLU should soon be stopping that!) Anyway, if your country and Iran want to execute women for not wearing headscarves, may all your camels be turned into eunuchs and sing like the Vienna Boys Choir, while all the women in your harem say, "Not tonight, MBS. The sun was so hot today in the desert, and the oasis was as crowded as an Omaha Walmart. Not tonight, Crown Prince, all of us have a headache. Oh, and MBS, don't throw another one of your hissy fits and carve up a journalist in an embassy or something."

(The crowd roars its approval so sisters in Hoboken can hear; Nogonna Waxnomore continues:)

As we await the Governor (thank you, Governor, for making practically everyone in New Jersey a civil servant who is neither "civil" nor "a servant" -- many of whom, interestingly enough, drive to Trenton in cars with Pennsylvania license plates), we face a crisis. The estimate of the crowd size is now 15,000 women and growing by the second. We must unite against the patriarchy! We are marching today for a world where everyone is treated with respect and dignity. We're not just fighting for ourselves; we're fighting for future generations of women and non-binary individuals. And let's not forget the union leaders who have redefined the original meaning of "union" in the United States by letting everyone in the state departments be eligible to be "in the union." It was you who realized that whether you were already making $200,000 a year with benefits that would make Ford employees salivate or lawyers, doctors, and others in state employment, it was important to give them even more by yielding to their rapacious pleas to be designated "labor," not "management." Now, as people who were already making tons of money, sitting in corner offices the size of the Devils' hockey rink "managing" hundreds of state employees who are crammed into cubicles, actually at least making the effort to "pretend" they're working. Of course, once a person hits the level of Director or above in New Jersey State Government, you don't even have to come to work, and if you do, you can spend the day giggling behind a closed door with your new political appointee employee who used to be a supermodel in Bulgaria but, thanks to a disgraced New Jersey U.S. Senator, somehow magically got her citizenship fast-tracked through the state department. Way to go, Governor and Union Leaders--you make Jimmy Hoffa and Samuel Gompers proud, while Woody Guthrie, who New Jersey likely institutionalized for realizing that "unions=labor" and people called "director" and above are actually management, is surely rolling in his grave. Still, I've got to hand it to you, as you all sing "This Land Is Your Land" and "If I Had a Hammer" in your lavish offices, eating pork roll, tomato pie, and cinnamon buns from Mastori's while diddling your non-binary way to retirement. I must admit, you do an excellent job of keeping the Garden State blue, woke, and LGBTQ+ friendly, while ensuring that all those lumpen who aren't part of the state "jobs program" called "civil service" pay taxes through their noses.

(Nogonna Waxnomore continues): As we wait for Governor Murphy and Health Commissioner Lotta Sinecures, I want to give a shout out to our Sephardic Jewish Sisters from Deal, New Jersey. Is that Jerry Seinfeld I see with your group today? Hi Jerry, do you think Newman ever got his post office job back? (ha ha). In New Jersey, he would be a postmaster! Anyway, welcome Jerry and Sephardic Sisters, and sorry about the Spanish Inquisition. We Chicanas and Puerto Rican sisters extend our apologies to all Sephardim everywhere. Torquemada is no hero to us! Putting someone on a wheel or table to pull their body in half unless they renounce their religion is not fair. We in the Spanish-speaking world and mixture of the Spanish with indigenous natives everywhere from Tijuana to Oaxaca want to officially go on record that we don't believe it was fair to expel the entire Jewish population if they didn't convert. Even then, when they became Conversos, the Spanish authorities still suspected them of being secretly Jewish and sent SWAT teams into their homes for the terroristic, traitorous, insurrectionist, supervise, anarchist act of yes, wait for it, LIGHTING A MENORAH. Now to Torquemada (and as Mel Brooks so elegantly put it in "History of the World," you can't "Torque 'em adda anything." Loved it (sisters all going wild with laughter now). Mel, are you here today? There you are. Stand up, Mel, take a bow. I loved the flatulence scene around the campfire, by the way, in "Blazing Saddles." Mel Brooks, ladies, and LGBTQ+ members of the feared Latin American gang, MS 12.5 dressed in pink today to show solidarity for our movement to Brazil wax men only. Anyway, Mel, how about a Hispanic (whatever people "Hispanic" means--I get confused: There are Hispanos, Hispanas, Chicanos, Chicanas, Latinos, Latinas, and all that LatinX stuff, which I guess means you're AC/DC or no designated voltage measurement or something). So, Mel, what I meant to say is how about a Spanish-dubbed version of "Blazing Saddles," but edit the fart scene a little bit: instead of all those gringoes eating those boring pork and beans out of tin plates, have Zapatistas in huge sombreros eating Taco Bell bean burritos, frijoles, you get it, I see you laughing Mel, love your laugh. So, Mel, when the muchachos start breaking the mighty wind the campfire will look like the sinking of Maine in Cuba that started the Spanish-American War! Speaking of which, where would the United States be today if we hadn't won the Spanish-American war and gotten the treasured prize of Puerto Rico? Imagine how so many proud residents of that island would have never come to America, gotten on food stamps, filled up public housing, and worked in Fine Fares all over New York City. Even worse, what would have happened to Coke sales? The sounds of little children all over Grand, Lewis, Delancy, Houston Streets, all along the FDR Drive, and East River going "Mira, Mira" and hoping for DeBlasio to bring back open admissions at city colleges and wipe out rigorous admission requirements at Bronx Science, Stuyvesant, Music and Art, and the city's other top high schools that have produced the top doctors, writers, researchers, public servants, actors, artists, and musicians in the history of New York would have never been threatened. Mira! Imagine that?

Anyway, welcome to the following sisters from all over, represented here today by women from every race, ethnicity, religion, nationality, and "woke" gay Latinos who know that now it's time for men to experience Brazil waxing. How about a shout-out to Filipinas from Woodside, Queens; Italianas from Bloomfield, New Jersey; waspy Shiksas of Princeton; Jewish American Princesses of Short Hills and Livingston; our Black sisters from the Newark Marcus Garvey Foundation and the Initiative to Remove Any Questions of Al Sharpton's Credibility over the Tawana Brawley Kerfuffle Action Committee of Trenton, Irvington, Camden, Harlem, Watts, Red Hook, and Bedford-Stuyvesant of New Jersey and New York.

Sisters from New York, did you have any trouble getting here today? Yes, thank New Jersey's former governor and next President of the United States, Chris Christie. Chris, are you here today? I didn't think so. He's dedicating another statue to a Garden State Parkway rest stop to honor assignations that occur there, covering all the LGBTQ+ blue-state, woke governors, truckers, and "got a problem with that" New Jerseyans who are perfect together.

How about a shout-out to Tom Kean. Are you here, Tom? No, I didn't think so. He's up in horsey WASP country in Tewksbury, not far from Trump's Bedminster Golf Course, at an honorary luncheon for Christie Whitman who, as former head of the EPA, declared the World Trade Center site safe after 9/11.

Donald, Christie, are you here? I didn't think so. Christie is visiting grave sites of all the people who worked on the safe World Trade site and died painfully of lung cancer and other breathing disorders. Donald has made a stopover in Bedminster to pick up his daughter and husband Jared to place a plaque at the white-collar resort called a New Jersey state prison where Jared served time eating brisket, playing golf, and writing a book that he has been co-authoring with young Jared called: "How, because Chris Christie as a U.S. Attorney, put me in Jail for Financial Crimes, Jared Made Sure Chris was Totally Dissed by Trump, and Never Made Vice President Even Though He was the First Powerful Republican to Endorse Him and More Than Anyone Got the Donald Elected." Jared, his wife, and father are authoring another book called the "Jared Kushner Story: How a Man with No Qualifications Obtained the Highest Security Clearances to the White House and Conducted Critical International Negotiations on Behalf of the United States with the Most Volatile Countries in the Middle East During Trump's Presidency that Could Have Led to Conflagrations Leading to Catastrophic Worldwide Conflict."

But it's all good. Perhaps we should invite Jared, the Donald, Chris, that woman Jared's married to, Christie Todd Whitman, all the people dying who worked at the World Trade Site, Tom Kean, and all the people who trashed the traffic in Fort Lee, who made Bridgegate possible. Let's bring them all together at one of Trenton's finest hotels to make nice and then cruise "down the shore" to Wildwood where they all get tattoos, dance on the tables, ride the risky carnival rides, and just be friends.

Tom, have you shown up yet? I didn't think so, but I think if you were here, you'd say all those folks who may not get along so well, could be "perfect together." Damn, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me so proud to be a New Joysian!

So sisters, it doesn't look like the Governor and Commissioner are going to show up. I think they're busy making plans to demolish the historic Washington's Barracks, just a little way from here. As you know, you can't be 'woke' or 'blue' unless you tear down every statue where the person might represent anything less than perfect. Also, liberals know that leaving up statues of bad people like Robert E. Lee or Stonewall Jackson can have no value because it's impossible for these monuments to actually serve a more important human purpose, like reminding people of what has been done wrong and how not to repeat it. You know, like the effect of people visiting Auschwitz or Yad Vashem or the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C.

Anyway, sisters, from now on only men should get Brazilian waxes. Let them experience the joy of having their pubic hair ripped out so they can excite their partners as much as a really raunchy movie that appears on the highest shelves of little mom and pop shops and other convenience stores in the most cherished, old-timey towns of rural Central New Jersey communities. These towns have more good ol' boy, churchgoing Republicans than pubic hairs in a waxing salon. They have a church on every corner and are about as welcoming as the Seventh Circle of Hades.

So, ladies, one final note and then we'll plan another rally in a month. I am announcing here today that I, along with other sisters from the "Ain't Gonna Wax No More Women's Committee to Make Men Torture Their Bodies to Understand What It Feels Like to Have Their Pubes Ripped Out to be Objectified," are opening a new chain of restaurants for women called "Boners."

At "Boners," the servers will all be guys hung like horses, wearing only tiny racing swimming suits. Women enjoying Caesar salads, Reuben sandwiches, and BLT deep crust pizzas will be able to catch a peek at some mighty tasty looking wood while gossiping and chatting on their phones.

Thank you all for coming! Let's shout out at the top of our lungs: "No more waxing! Free the VJJs!"

That's right, ladies. Mister Gorbachev, tear out that male hair with Brazil Wax!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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