BREAKING NEWS: The President of Oppressed Americans of NJ, NYC, released a copy of a memo that he sent to Señor Excellent Presidente in Madrid this morning. When he woke up this morning, he became "woke" to the fact that if the Spanish Conquistadores had not run roughshod over every functioning indigenous culture from the farthest north Mexican border to the tip of Paraguay, including the Caribbean, his country wouldn't have had to spend trillions of dollars over decades providing food, housing, food stamps, education, healthcare, and crime prevention (thank you MS Numero Dos Pendehos of Honduras, El Salvador, Panama, Mexico) and everywhere else your colonial soldiers went (except Brazil). For Brazil, we have to thank Portugal during its exploration of the Amazon, oppressing the native peoples, denying them land, and making them your slaves. The Portuguese Machos Nachos were producing tons of new people with indigenous women whose progeny would be neither Portuguese nor indigenous, just as the Spanish Conquistadores did when they fathered people who became immigrants to the USA, who are called a creative cacophony of names (Hispanos, Chicanos, Latinos - anything but what they really are, which are Spanish mixed people). The functioning, beautiful indigenous people who were living along the Amazon or in the ocean in the jungle of San Blas near Mazatlan had to say adios to their identity, ethnicity, race, religion, and culture thanks to dudes from Seville and Lisbon whose red peppers needed relief.
Mira, Señores Presidentes of Spain and Portugal, your colonial empires destroyed a whole natural world of people from the U.S. border to the bottom of South America, including places in the Caribbean like Puerto Rico, Cuba, and the Dominican Republic. Your sailors brought them syphilis, gonorrhea, and viruses that never existed in their sunny climates, which are probably the early ancestors of COVID.
You see, your Excellentes, indigenous people in what we now call Puerto Rico and Cuba, and from Mexico to Paraguay had naturally growing papayas, coconuts, mangoes, oranges, bananas - you name it. They didn't come from the polluted, damp alleys and buildings in Barcelona or Lisbon. They ate nutritious foods, worked and played in the sun, swam in clean rivers and oceans, and worshipped the high spirits in the sky to thank them for the Garden of Eden the Great Spirit gave them.
All through these places, they had lived for a thousand years with names like Mayans, Aztecs, or Incas. They created art, villages, ways of recording their histories and raising their children, plus relationships with their environment that worked to keep them healthy, happy, and at peace. Some were warlike, but they didn't destroy their own people. They were free.
Your Spanish and Portuguese sailors looked upon the beautiful women living in these places in the Caribbean that we now call Puerto Rico, Cuba, Mexico, Central America, and South America. The native men in these places loved their beautiful women with their lovely shapes, shining eyes, coal black hair that fell so gently over their beautiful brown shoulders. None of the men or women you found invited you. They saw the ugly men from your countries who had hair all over their bodies, bad teeth, sallow skin, carrying things called weapons that they had never seen before, as you strode off your boats in your ridiculous hats and jackets, not suited for the southern part of the world.
These native peoples were happy with whatever genes (though they may not have called them genes) they had. It wasn't their choice to mix your Spanish and Portuguese blood into theirs and produce children who grew up to be adults so poor and unhealthy in places that never existed, but now have the names you gave to their lands like Puerto Rico, Panama, and Brazil. You held them down and destroyed their spirits, took their gold, coffee, cacao, bananas, sugar, whatever you could stuff into your miserable scurvy, rat-filled ships, leaving behind your diseases, greed, selfishness, exploitative relationship with nature in now broken, miserable places.
So now, mira, mira, what a surprise, Señores Presidentes Excellentes of Spain and Portugal. All these indigenous peoples who unwillingly mixed with your blood (unwilling is what we call in America "just say no" - anything that happens after just saying no is a sexual assault and a felony - do you get Law and Order SVU in Madrid and Lisbon?), because you couldn't keep your tamales in your pants. For decades, these mixed peoples, who nobody knows what to call, have wanted to come to the United States where they have to have free housing, food, healthcare, childcare, education, transportation, translation services, lawyers (because any people who have done to them what you did to them are going to get into trouble), and Coke (for the Puerto Rican babies).
They have the worst jobs - dry cleaning, chicken butchering, landscaping (though no real training in it), taxi driving (which means they buy a van and paint something on it like El Banana or something), roofing (now that's a hoot because they get hired by the worst roofing companies who bid the lowest with their underpaid, incompetent, non-union workers). Cheap, nasty people called Home Owners Associations in places like Central New Jersey that have "planned communities" (planned for destruction) hire these cheap roofing companies who don't know what they're doing and break windows, tear screens, destroy gardens, crack concrete, and leave water leaking through their roofs when the next big rain comes.
But no matter, the residents of these "planned communities" have no more control over the quality of their services than the beautiful indigenous women your Spanish and Portuguese sailors preyed upon.
Good going, Presidentes! How many peaceful, functioning, happy, healthy people did your Spanish and Portuguese colonists enslave, impoverish, and prevent from owning land in Brazil and every other place where native peoples were just happy to make love with their beautiful native wives, watch their beautiful native children grow, and find peace with deities no European could fathom? How many babies did your Conquistadores make sure came into this new horror of a world you made because they couldn't keep their burritos in their pantaloons?
So, Presidentes, here is my formal request to your governments to reimburse the United States for all the people you created and the conditions for them to live in so they would swim any river, cross any desert, climb any wall or fence to get from where you left them to America. They don't make enough money blowing leaves and carving chickens, and they certainly don't leave homeowners feeling any better when they destroy our roofs. So we're sending the bill for all the services we have provided them for a hundred years or so to you. The U.S. will not accept a check for ten trillion dollars, but you can remit it to our treasury in the gold you still have stored from all the slave labor in places you made up names for like Chile, Argentina, and Colombia.
So here's my memo to you both, and I want you to share it with the governors and presidents of all the places you created. People like Bolsonaro and whoever is the Mexican president this week. It addresses a complicated issue that shouldn't have existed, except for all the Joses, Felipes, Juans, Eduardos, Fernandos, and Emilianos who couldn't resist the native women they found in the New World. They created a new people that nobody really has a name for, so we keep inventing new names for them that don't correspond with anything geographic, demographic, historic, sociological, or anthropological. We here in America just make these names up for people from places you invented that were once just beautiful land, but now got called Honduras, Guatemala, Brazil, and Puerto Rico. These people, who your sailors created, number in the millions today and are not Spanish or Portuguese. We call them whatever sounds politically correct at the moment: Hispanics, Hispanos (Where's Hispana, by the way, today so I can find a pen pal there?), Chicanos, Chicanas (Where's Chicana? I'd like to visit there, too), Latinos, Latinas (now those I've kind of heard of, but it's associated with Italy, so I'm not sure how Peruvians are Latinos or Spaniards either because I've never been served paella in Milan, but no matter all these names are made up for a people you created and whose countries you destroyed).
So now, muchachos of Spain and Portugal, I want you to read the following memo and then forward it to every country that exists south of the U.S. border where gangs run the country and keep driving people out into New Jersey, California, New Mexico, Florida, Texas, and Arizona. Perhaps you could show your frightened people a map where they will see this really big country north of the U.S. called Canada. Yes, it gets a little cold, but pot seems to be legal everywhere, and national healthcare can be obtained as easily as Puerto Ricans get subsidized housing on the Lower East Side of Manhattan (thanks to New York City). Well, Manhattan is part of New York City, but there are actually five boroughs, not the kind that bray in La Paz. Let's get on to the memo.
TO: Spanish and Portugese Presidentes Excellentes
FROM: Oppressed Americans of New York, Central New Jersey, and
All Places in the U.S. that Spanish-Speaking Immigrants Have
fled to because Your Colonists Destroyed Their Indigenous
Cultures over 500 years ago
RE: Honduran, Guatemalan, Mexican, Brazilian Gangs, etc.
We, here in the United States, have lots of problems helping people from Puerto Rico, Mexico, Central, and South America. We understand that machetes are useful in your jungles for tasks like murdering people, transporting drugs (a shout out to El Chapo in the Metropolitan Correctional Center, do you miss Jeffrey Epstein?), humans, and getting rid of leaders, juntas, jefes, dictators, generalissimos, and so on. But you see, we've kind of got our hands full with your poor already and don't need all the work associated with arresting MS-13 Numero dos or MS-12.5 tattooed Neanderthals. Sure, they have interesting tats, but since they are always covered in blood and bruises -- not to mention all the blood they leave on our streets and sidewalks -- do you think you could keep these loco Pendehos home in jail in Guadalajara or Buenos Aires in one of your luxurious prisons? MS-whatevers don't make good coders, chemists, microchip inventors, transportation engineers, nurses, doctors or abogados (though they do have the right instincts to be abogados, and with a little education, they could be very good defense attorneys for the people who commit felonies, but they would probably just get impulsive and kill all our judges, and the courts are backed up anyway, so please keep your:
MACHO MACHISMO MS NUMERO UNO, DOS, TRES, QUATRO, CINQO whatever Pendehos home. Undoubtedly, we will never be able to help people here in Gringo Land. What country can ever have enough orange-vested people who don't seem to be able to speak, write, or read any language and don't give a tostada about learning the language of another country they have gone to that gives them everything to care? All copacetic there, Presidentes, but lock the gangs up in Tijuana, San Salvador, Brasilia, Rio, Lima, Panama City, Oaxaca (well, no not Oaxaca, their plazas are too beautiful--maybe Guadalajara next to that bogus medical school greedy American doctors started and have made millions on sending all those poor little undergraduate boys and girls whose daddies just couldn't accept that their kid with a zero on the MCAT, no pre-med courses, no desire for anything but money in wanting to be a doctor (well that's not so bad, all American doctors are like that anyway--in fact, when they interview to get into med. school and say 'I just want to be a doctor so I can live better than everybody else' and whether I'm a male or female get a lot of nookie), then they're accepted immediately--but if they say to the admissions committee, 'I want to be a doctor so I can save people from suffering from cancers or lung diseases that could have been prevented if a former New Jersey waspy Governor from horsey country turned E.P.A. Jefe hadn't said the World Trade Center site is 'safe.' Are you feelin' me, presidents of Honduras, etc.? Lock up your gang members, teach them how to bugger each other, tell them you're not less of a man because you love cornhole, give them some tarantulas to play with or anacondas, but keep those Pendehos out of my country! READ MY LIPS! In exchange, if you give me the addresses of these Frito burrito banditos where they are held in prisons that have no standards and are a fire hazard that makes even the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory look like the Bahai Temple in the posh Northside suburbs of Chicago, I will find them pen pals. Now, the Democrats here and Republicans here don't give a chihuahua's turd about our people, but you can bet each will let your ordinary destitute keep on a 'comin. Why? Because the Democrats are psychotic and think all the Chicano-Latino-Hispana-Hispanos-Latin-XYZs will come to a blue state like New Jersey and become liberals for Bernie, Hillary, Elizabeth, and what's-his-name the New Jersey Governor. They change so much by either being found in a Garden State rest stop or driving with one of New Jersey's finest who swore an oath to serve and protect but knew he had to shake that like Christopher Columbus's statue coming down in Central Park (yes, the old puta story, he liked it too, ended up being sent back to Ferdinand and Isabella in chains but they took mercy on him, especially Isabella she always liked Columbus, but she and Ferdinand were busy failing at keeping Torquemada from the Inquisition, torturing Jews to become Christians and even when they did having SWAT teams catching them with a challah (that's something Jewish people eat) and immediately expelled. Anyway, El Presidente of Spain, that's another reason why you should send us here in the U.S.A. the 10 trillion dollars in gold that you got by sending native peoples down into mines to die for you. Si, yeah, muchacho, I'm talking about the Inquisition - you know, the Jewish people who made your country so great and powerful in the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, but who your brutal people threw out in one of the big three diasporas in Jewish history and sent packing, including Sephardim and "Conversos" (you know, the Jews who you put a rope around their throats and said, "Do you accept Jesus?"). Right, Pendehos, you sent those originally Spanish people - Jews and non-Jews - everywhere, including New Mexico, here in the land of the big, bad, heartless gringos.
So, here's my message to Honduras, Guatemala, Mexico and all the other places so adversely transformed by the noble Conquistadores. Keep your MS 12.5s, 14s, '15s, and 16s out of my backyard, especially those Numero Dos gang members, because they smell like, well, numero dos. In exchange, if you give me the addresses of the prisons where they all are, I will find all the women over 18 (that's just how we roll here in Gringoland with protecting minors in this country, USA,USA,USA). I will give all the American women over 18 who are still writing to Charles Manson in solitary confinement to ask him to marry them the addresses of your gang amigos. I would send the addresses to all the senoritas who loved Torquemada, Idi Amin, Dr. Mengele, the Luftwaffe, Wehrmacht, and SS, too, if they all weren't so blissfully obliterated, but such is life. I'll ask the women who write to your prisoners to include a tube of lubricant and a picture of Lance Armstrong. Okay, comprende. I think I have made myself clear. ¿Es verdad? ¿Sí? Bueno.
Now tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev, and U.S. border enforcement. If I have to deal with any more Chicano-Latino-Hispanics who don't know a roof from an empanada, I'm going to flee south myself.
Adiós, muchachos.
