Dr. Billingsgate provides advice to a woman who fears that her husband has been “sniffing around.”
Dear Dr. Billingsgate,
I hope you don't think I'm being paranoid. But lately, I have been finding black hairballs around the White House. I'm a blonde - and we don't have a cat. For that and other reasons, I fear that Joe may be sniffing hair again.
I don't know if it might be Kamala or just a black sheep. But every time I try to confront him about these hairballs, Joe says, "BAAH, HUMBUG!"
Another thing that I find suspicious is that when he goes bowling, he wears hip waders instead of bowling shoes. What do you think I should do?
Jill
Dear Jill,
You have come to the right person for advice. With Ph.D.s in Psychology, Marriage Counseling, and Animal Husbandry, there is nobody on planet Earth better versed in understanding deviant behaviors. According to the Kinsey Report, approximately twelve percent of men report that they have had "strong feelings" for a sheep on one or more occasions. Alas! It appears that your Joe may be part of that group.
Assuming it's a sheep, there are a few remedies to mitigate this behavior. As unlikely as it may seem, reality may be one of them. Although attempting to fathom the libido of a sheep is a stretch, the use of a *Montana Pole has shown promise. Reports of sheep having ambivalent feelings relating to one-night stands with men like your husband indicate there might be a problem with reciprocity. On the other hand, if it's Kamala, all bets are off. After all, why else would he have chosen her for a running mate?
GLOSSARY: Montana Pole: A device using a pitchfork handle with a mirror attached to one end. By placing the mirror in front of the sheep's head, one can see if the sheep is smiling when having hair sniffed.
Respectfully,
Dr. Billingsgate
Dr. Slim: "I believe Dr. Billingsgate has a handle on this problem."
Dirty: "Yo, Dr. Dude. A word to the wise: Beware of wolves in sheep's clothing."
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