A home owner's association in the north - eastern United States performed the nation's first such execution today at 5:38 a. m. Eastern Standard Times.
Residents gathered at the community's basketball court with coffee, fast - food breakfast sandwiches, and children allowed to have a day off from school for this first of a kind event.
All stood quietly as the doomed man's head rested in a guillotine approved by the board and they waited to hear as a list of his violations were recited.
With the sun glinting off the blade of the guillotine that was painted in a color matching the trim on the townhouses surrounding it, the esteemed (though much feared) Grand High Wizard of the HOA board addressed those assembled.
We are gathered here today to mark an historic day in the history of Home Owner Associations. I hope all of you take as much joy as I do in the milestone we have reached coming from our humble beginnings.
Let us remember that though an HOA is technically not granted the powers of the President of the United States, the Supreme Court has affirmed that everyone in a planned community forfeits all their rights ipso facto (That's a little word I learned from my online course for people who want to serve on HOA boards or serve as community managers. ). I digress.
What I really want to celebrate with all of you today is that when you moved here you forfeited all your rights (I know this is taking a long time for the offending resident bent over and locked into the guillotine, but let that be a lesson to all of you).
I hope the symbolism of this despicable, condemned man is not lost on you. Had he bent over and taken it up his. . . (sorry I almost forgot there are children here) as he should have known to do from the day he moved here, he wouldn't be sweating under the Sword of Damocles now (see, someone on an HOA board actually can taken a course in the humanities).
Anyway, this man whose head we’ll soon see separated from his body today did not use it in regard to thinking before speaking and acting sacrilegiously in our community. Following is a list of his offenses, and I will make the disclaimer now that anyone with a serious medical condition would be advised to leave now to avoid a stroke or cardiac event.
You will see in the vile, odious, and disgusting list of crimes that this man has committed against the HOA board and manager of this community, that he started small (as criminals generally do and then worked his way up to what we consider crimes carrying a penalty of capital punishment). For those who do not have criminal enforcement powers like I do this is known as the Broken Windows Theory.
This thoughtless man began his life of crime here by not positioning his garbage can so that it aligned at a 37. 5 degree angle with the planet Jupiter during the most recent solar eclipse.
(Yes, you're thinking I must mean "lunar eclipse, " but what the. . . (oops, sorry again kids) kind of regime do you think you're living under, huh? You're not in nursery school here people.
So, unlatch from your mother's breast (It's o. k. to say breasts, kids, we're not in Florida!) and wake up! You're part of an HOA now! Shoulders back! Salute!
His sad descent continued when he complained to the HOA manager that someone had put dog waste in his garbage can. It was in a bag for Heaven's sake!
Again, wake up people, if you're not walking around this development with your dog revelling in all the cable boxes it pees on, and picking up your dog's poop in solidarity with other dog owners, why are you here? Seriously, did you move among people to a community like this because you love ballet?
Enough said about dogs. Well, actually not enough said, because they rule here. They pee and poop where they want and when they want. No one has any more authority here than dogs or is expected to be shown deference to more than dogs.
Well, no one except all those cut - rate, incompetent "contractors" we hire to "landscape" (i. e. , destroy your lawn with ten - foot wide, one ton machines to mow the postage stamp you call your front or back yard and think you have the slightest say over). Sure, leaf blowers are ridiculously polluting and deafening, too, but suck it up you butt wipes. How do you expect ten indifferent people in orange vests to blow that single blade of grass that they cut from your otherwise completely denuded "lawn"?
And, sure, some communities have banned these machines that their operators make roar and delight in sending all your lawn furniture flying. Not to mention that since you moved here, you respond "huh" to everything your wife says and are reconsidering that unrequested offer the new audiologist in town keeps sending you about an evaluation and a hearing aid.
You're in red country, baby? Leaf blower bans are for those commie communities where they have classical music concerts (instead of real American classic car shows), gender neutral bathrooms, and art shows. For Heaven's sake people!
Anyway, I digress. The next thing on the man who now is displayed before you waiting for his head to roll on our beautiful community's basketball court is that he repeatedly complained about our so - called landscapers, roofers, masons, snow removal people, garbage collectors, you name it.
People read my lips: The so - called HOA board checks out the lowest priced, most poorly rated people who purport to have these skills, but have no training, and ultimately damage your property. You are not allowed any input in our decision who we hire.
If you're unhappy we use our so called "manager" to listen to you and restrain herself from telling you to G. F. Y. We use the money we built up from your ridiculous monthly HOA fee and saved so much of by hiring bozos to hire brother and sister - in - laws of board members who are lawyers and accountants.
We put them on lucrative retainers for which they do nothing, but that's a good thing since they're as incompetent as everybody else we hire. No "service", no damage. Speaking of contractors, how did you like those roofers that are covered by your association fees?
Sure, they tore your screens, cracked some of your windows, cracked your concrete walkway, left shingles in your gutters that now never drain, crushed your roses, and left your roof so that the last big rain knocked out your electricity and poured onto your master bedroom floor. But what do you want for paying twenty years worth of outrageous monthly association fees?
Input before we make a final decision on all the "companies" we hire like those to fix the broken concrete or service the pool that only a few families use with lots of kids who swim in the adult pool with loaded diapers instead of in the kiddie pool where they're supposed to? Give me a break!
A little e - coli never hurt anybody whether inhaled in pool water or in that burger you just ate. Oh, about the lifeguard. Someone had the nerve to want to get her fired because two people drowned last summer while she was staring at her phone and twisting strands of her hair.
Again, people, read my lips: No one we hire is here because of their competence. No one performing a so called "service" here has anything to do with your satisfaction or approval. Feedback? Quality? Resident satisfaction? Seriously?
Those things are like prohibiting leaf blowers or gender - neutral bathrooms: blue state commies, baby. This is the real America.
Continuing with the violations that our about to be headless neighbor descended into the next circles of Hades, he had the temerity to complain about the mandatory dryer - vent guy whose brazen local monopoly on this "service" would make Teddy Roosevelt doo - doo in the saddle.
So let's have a little in - service education about the HOA's regularly required dryer vent cleaning. It's been a real boon for the board member's brother - in - law who's been charging you a hundred dollars (times 300 townhouses) for the past decades.
Some of you have the nerve to complain that he's rude, jumps on your dryer like a fullback from the NFL, yanks it away from the wall within an inch of severing the gas connection and blowing up everything from here to Missoula. Then he shoves some hose up your dryer's duct work like the insane gastroenterologist who last perforated your colon when he performed a "preventive colonoscopy. "
The dryer - vent guy's hose blows air so hard it probably lifts your roof up a foot. He culminates this assault on your dryer by shoving it back so hard and leaving the duct work so coiled and damaged that you're probably breathing pure carbon monoxide, but he's gotten the lint blown out, right? What do you want anyway, a row of townhomes going up in smoke? Picky, picky, picky. Are you people sure you're not all pinko Democrats from New York City?
Sure, you're still in the northeast, but you might as well be in a bayou town surrounded by swamp rats (This is mid - Atlantic, rapaciously taxed, suburban police state good ole boy country. Money changes hands here from developers and officials faster than a buttered fart on an icy back road. ). The only community action here is key parties (oh, by the way my wife and I are hosting our tenth next week). Want to challenge anything that goes on in good ole boy country? Better off using your time to take a second job and save your money so you can move back to Chelsea, you public - transportation using, Lincoln - center loving, bialy eating, Union Square protesting, Andy Warhol worshipping, pastrami loving, Wall Street occupying, homeless - advocating, woke, shared - bicycle, metrosexual pinko who uses the expression "standing on line" (Oh what I wouldn't give to have Joe or Edgar here now to blacklist you from every human activity that blood's been shed for to keep this the land of the free and the home of the brave and enable this great land of ours to have the most dictatorial, terrorizing institution since the Inquisition!
Red, white, and blue, baby. These colors don't run! So, it's getting late now, and I know you kiddies have school tomorrow, but some things are more important that school like showing that Home Owner's Associations like your mommy and daddy enjoy here are a country unto themselves. Think of us like our own country inside a bigger place called the United States where even though you're in a democracy where nine - tenths of the law is possession and people take more pride in owning their own home than anyplace on earth, you really don't own anything here.
Sure, you call it your "home, " but we tell you what to do inside and outside of it and, as you see with this poor man here whose back is killing him after a whole day in the guillotine, we can punish you if you don't do as you're told or complain about all the incompetent people we hire to mess up "your" home.
Don't get me wrong, all that blue - state, woke, commie pinko stuff you're learning about in school like the constitution, bill of rights, voting, consent of the governed, equal protection under the law, right to redress of grievances, freedom of speech - - all that's "technically" right (at least learn it enough to graduate and be able to live in a great planned community with a wonderful HOA like ours and board president like me). But remember that in our kind of community, you're not really in America and don't have any of those rights you learned in civics class.
So now, with all that said, I want to thank you all for your patience in waiting for this unparalleled, history - making event that will go down as our finest hour in the annals of HOAs: "Executioner, please release the blade!"
Yes, folks with that big "whoosh" we once again affirm the glory of our Stepford Wives, Pleasantville, Handmaid's Tale community. Don't forget to grab a cookie and a beverage on your way home.
For those who have volunteered to clean up the gore and dispose of this wicked resident's head, there will be a gift guard for the new diner in town.
To the rest of you I say "goodnight, " thank you for coming, be well, remember that you're being fined daily if you haven't had your dryer vent blown out yet, and if you're over 18 we will see you at our "key exchange" party Friday night.
There's no charge, but no one will be admitted without a partner (that would mean some weird kind of three person commie, pinko, socialist, French kind of thing called, oh I don't know - - "menage a something. "
Our by - laws prohibit girl - rock groups with the "V" word in their name and weird French things like brie, beautiful artwork, existential - somethings - - whatever that is. However, any woman who is incredibly "endowed" with a name that can also describe a weather condition is welcome at our pool (scantily clad of course) or community house.
Long live Freedom - Fries!
