Have you ever wondered why some don't have the ending or the script that you like? Do you wish it were different? Well, Alfred E. Neuman, decided to change the story of Tolkien's 'The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies,' so he can read what he likes. He put his version into his computer file.
"I didn't like rude Dáin and his fat pig. I didn't like Thorin breaking his contract. And, I was upset Smaug was not born a sea-witch," says Neuman.
Neuman gave CNB News a copy of his version of the battle of the five armies.
Alfred E. Neuman's version:
The Battle of Five Armies was a battle waged between the Orcs and the Wargs of the Misty Mountains and the Grey Mountains against the Lake-men, Elves, Dwarves, on and near the Lonely Mountain.
After the dragon Smaug burns down Lake Town, he uses magic to transform himself into a lovely maiden. She sleeps with Bard the dragon slayer, in a night filled with lust. In the morning as Bard appears to dream, Smaug decides to smother him with a pillow. Bard knew she was Smaug because of a small dragon scale over her heart. He decided to enjoy her and wait for Smaug to strike first. He opens one eye and quickly wakes to stop Smaug with an elf dagger, as Smaug holds the pillow over his head.
The Men of the Lake and the Wood-elves both laid siege to the Dwarves in the Lonely Mountain. The thirteen Dwarves of the Lonely Mountain are under King Thorin II Oakenshield. Thorin broke his contract with elves and men and refused to share any of the treasure that he had unjustly gained after Smaug was killed.
Thorin and Company were then trapped in a stalemate, with Elven-king Thranduil and Bard, who decided to wait them out. However, Thorin had sent messages of his plight to his relatives using talking messenger Ravens, such as Röac the Raven, that lived on the Lonely Mountain. These reached Dáin Ironfoot of the nearby Iron Hills, and he marched to the Lonely Mountain with 24,000 heavily armed Dwarves, mostly skilled veterans of the War of the Dwarves and Orcs.
Alfire, the brother of Sauron is only known to elves in lore. Alfire was a Maiar angel like Gandauf and Sauron. He became the Elf King of the Southern Mountains in Middle Earth. He took a thousand Elven-Wives and he settled to establish his kingdom. His legions of Elf warriors are a billion strong. He became a powerful Elf Wizard who abandoned craft making and traveled into the heavens to learn the magic of the creators of Middle Earth, attaining a greater status as God of the magic realm.
When Dáin's forces arrived, a battle was almost ready to begin between the two sides (now three armies were on the field,) but at the last moment, Gandalf intervened to reason with Dáin.
Elven-king Thranduil steps forward to insult Dáin by calling him an undesirable person who rides on top of a sloppy hog that smells foul. Dáin then lifts his Hammer saying that he will join his cousin Thorin to wipeout the elves and humans.
Just then a loud elf horn can be heard from afar. It's the Elven-King Alfire and he brings 500 million elf fighters. He sends his commander Elohim to speak with Gandauf. Elohim reaches Gandauf on a horse that runs near the speed of light.
The elf commander revealed that while they were bickering amongst themselves, the Orcs and Wargs of the Misty Mountains and Grey Mountains under Azog the defiler were using the opportunity to march against them.
The elf commander orders Elven-king Thranduil and Bard to pull back to the safety of King Alfire's mighty elf army. Dáin is left alone with his dwarfs to fight the Orcs and Wargs.
The Orcs, are now mobilized for a full-scale attack after hearing news of the death of the Dragon and the now relatively unguarded treasure hoard.
King Alfire tells Elven-king Thranduil and Bard to wait until Dáin and his dwarves are wiped out by the enemy. Then they will destroy what's left of the Orcs and Wargs.
Dáin arranged his forces on the two spurs of the Mountain that lined the valley leading to the now sealed-off great gate: the only entrance to the Mountain.
The 24,000 Dwarves are dismayed by the great Orc and Warg army. What Dáin doesn't know is that Thorin has no plans to share the treasure with him or anyone. Dáin sacrificed himself and his dwarves for no reason. It was better for the Orcs and Wargs to keep the treasure.
Bilbo Baggins, while invisible due to the Ring, tried to sit out the battle on the field held by the Elves where Gandalf also had withdrawn to. Bilbo decides to keep the Arkinstone to adorn his living room at the shire.
Soon the Orcs, Wargs, and a cloud of Bats "like a sea of locusts" arrived, and at first the plan worked: they were lured into the choke point and took heavy losses. However, due to the Orcs' superior numbers, the Dwarves did not hold the advantage long. The second wave was even worse than the first, and now many Orcs scaled the mountain from the opposite side and began to attack the dwindling Dwarves from above and behind, as the main wave pressed forward.
As the horrifying battle raged on, the elves and lake men feasted on fine food and drinks brought by the Elf King Alfire. They all danced and loved the many virgin Elven-Ladies that Alfire had provided them.
The battle continues across the Mountain, and then a great noise was heard: Thorin and his twelve Dwarve companions inside the mountain had thrown down the stone wall they had erected across the mouth of the gates, killing many Orcs. Thorin and Company then charged out to join the battle, covered from head to toe in the finest armour and weapons contained in the treasure hoard of the Lonely Mountain. Thorin advanced through the Orcs ranks all the way up to the gigantic Orcs that formed the Bodyguard of Bolg, whom he could not get past. The battle degenerated into a chaotic close quarters melee, no quarter asked or given.
As the battle was turning fully against the Dwarves, a number of Giant Eagles of the Misty Mountains arrived, led by Gwaihir. Bilbo was the first to spot their entrance on the scene and began shouting "The Eagles are coming!" The Eagles landed and barged through the entrance of the mountain then they carried off tremendous bags filled with gold and valuable gems. They returned to their kingdom with a great bounty.
Then Beorn himself arrived at the battle, apparently having heard the news that a large army of Orcs was on the move. This time he did not appear in his former shape of a giant Man but had changed his skin to that of a gigantic bear. He joined the Elf and lake men to feast, drink and love the beautiful Elf ladies.
Thorin II Oakenshield had been mortally wounded on the field, and his nephews Fíli and Kíli died defending him as he lay on the ground.
Dáin and two Dwarves remained alive because they escaped early on when the battle began. Dáin led the escape on his large pig while the remaining two Dwarves rode behind him on quick footed goat's. They returned to their kingdom to tell the tale of the great battle.
The Orcs and Wargs were very hungry and tired from the battle. The Orcs roasted the bodies of the dead Dwarves, and they quenched their thirst with gigantic wooden mugs filled to the brim with dwarf blood. The Wargs, having no hands, ate the dwarves as they lay, chewing their flesh that was tender and juicy.
Thorin died soon after the battle but had time to say a last goodbye to Bilbo who entered the battlefield invisible because of the ring.
The next morning the Orcs and Wargs were well rested and fed. Their leader Azog of Moria ordered them to march into battle against the elves and the lake men who were already organized in their battle ranks.
Azog and his commander Bolg lead the march towards the waiting elves and lake men.
King Alfire ordered Thranduil and Bard to stand still in the field with their troops and Alfire's legions. There was no need for them to be sacrificed in battle because King Alfire would call on the powerful magic of the creators to destroy the enemy.
When Azog the defiler saw Alfire rise above into the sky he recognized him as the brother of Sauron and he told his army that Alfire is an ancient Maiar God ordained by the creators of middle earth. He told them to flee for their lives because against such a foe there would be no victory.
The Orcs and Wargs eventually panicked and scattered. Alfire used his magic to destroy the entire Orc and Warg army along with Azog and Bolg.
After the defeat of the Orcs and Wargs, the victors divided the treasure. Alfire and his legions left without accepting treasure because it held no value for them since they produced everything of high quality for themselves. Bard took one-third of the treasure and divided it equally among all the lake people. Bilbo's one third share of the gold and silver, he divided with the hobbits of the shire. The Elven-king Thranduil got the emeralds of Girion and he divided his one-third with his elf kingdom.
Gandauf told Bilbo that Alfire, the only Maier God in Middle Earth will not destroy his brother Sauron. It's up to men and elves to defend Middle Earth against Sauron's dark power and his army of Orcs, Wargs, Goblins and evil men called Easterling.
