Michael Jackson Breaks Silence
In a tiny, aging building along a busy Mesa, Arizona street, local fortune teller Madam Lisbane finishes a palm reading for one of her regular customers. She tells her that the coming equinox will create unimaginable havoc in her life, and that she m...
Read full storyI am not that interesting, really, says man
Gary Johnson, 48, and the fictional subject of a few stories written by an equally fictional writer has insisted, that he really is not that interesting. 'The thing is,' said the fictional buffoon, 'I am completely fictional, but it does not mean...
Read full storyMan Shocked that Woolworths has shut
Gary Johnson 48, is shocked to hear that Woolworths has been shut down for a decade. The music fan revealed that although his music tastes are fairly broad and up-to-date, he last bought an album from a shop when Moby's Play album first came out.
Read full storyThe Four Horse’s Asses Of The Apocalypse
BILLINGSGATE POST: Defying all rational thought, the Four Horse’s Asses of the Apocalypse ride again. In Biblical lore they are known as Famine, Pestilence, Destruction and Death. These are only aliases. Their real names are Sanders, Pocahontas, Bet...
Read full storyMan who suffers from Insomnia buys Dido's new album
Gary Johnson, 48, who suffers from Insomnia after buying tickets for Jedward for his 30th wedding anniversary, has exclusively revealed to us that he has just indulged in Dido's latest release. 'I was on that Amazon type thing' said Johnson, as if...
Read full storyWetherspoon's Profits Plunge by 19%: "Nothing to do with Brexit"
Profits at old gits pub chain JD Wetherspoon fell 19% in the six months to the end of January. Wetherspoon's weirdo chairman, Brexit cheerleader Tim Martin, the last living proponent of the mullet, hairstyle of the gods, immediately announced that it...
Read full storyMan To Reveal A Secret
A man whose characteristic behavior is to always keep his cards very close to his chest, is to 'break with tradition', and will shortly reveal one of his innermost and closely-guarded secrets. The man, whose identity cannot be divulged, because th...
Read full storyTrump to Offer Online Course: "Effective Use of Social Media in POLITICS"
U.S. President Donald Trump announced that he will soon be offering an eight-week online course titled "Effective Use of Social Media in POLITICS." The course will focus particularly on the popular social media platform, Twitter, where Trump has show...
Read full storyTrump Thrills MAGA Rally Crowd of Billionaires, Says "Stock Market to Soar Soon".
Westford, Alabama - A crowd of visibly excited, wealthy Trump supporters cheered loudly as the President announced that an imminent trade deal with China will "make the stock market go through the roof." The crowd, most, if not all, of whom had st...
Read full storySeagull Shitstorm
A man has been given a curfew and a banning order from every Pets At Home in the country after he was found guilty of “knocking fuck out of a seagull” back in 2018. The man (who can be named but has a really long, complicated name, and we can't be...
Read full storyCNN Source Identified Only as "Beavis": Moscow Trump Tower Erection Story was Killed by Pecker at Enquirer
Van Nuys, California - In an exclusive CNN report, a confidential source calling himself "Beavis" or alternatively "Cornholio" contacted the news organization with startling revelations concerning National Enquirer chief David Pecker and the Trump O...
Read full storyLatest Proclamation from Elizabeth Warren About Her “Native American Ancestry”
In a press conference at the Back-Bay Plaza hotel in Boston, putative Presidential candidate Warren proclaimed her definitive genetic link to a historic American tribe. She now affirms, citing Exegesis Genome Testing [EGT], that she is of the Mohica...
Read full story