In a press conference at the Back-Bay Plaza hotel in Boston, putative Presidential candidate Warren proclaimed her definitive genetic link to a historic American tribe. She now affirms, citing Exegesis Genome Testing [EGT], that she is of the Mohicans. She proclaims to be a direct descendant of Uncas (aka Bounding Elk), who, apparently, it turns out was not really ‘The Last of the Mohicans’, as was previously recorded by James Fenimore Cooper.
“No!” asserts Warren. “Uncas actually took as his bride one of the white women from Fort William McHenry, left New York and so propagated the Mohican strain into the West, and into my Oklahoma kin. I’m so proud to recognize Chingachgook and Uncas as my noble ancestors!”
At this point, Jim Annaconda from FNN (Fake News Network) vociferously raised the somewhat pertinent issue that Warren’s claimed Mohican ancestors were in fact fictional characters from a classic American novel. But Her Mohican-ess was having none of it.
“We know what you do, Annaconda…. constantly reporting falsehoods as news!” she retorted. “You and your types are Distorters in Chief! How dare you challenge my genetic narrative?!? I’m so very proud to reveal my true Mohican name— ‘Withered Mare-Elk’!”
At this point the stunned and shocked Back Bay crowd quickly fled from the small meeting room. Our reporter was among them, and later recounted that the fast departure was due to the sound of eerie, yet uproarious, laughter coming from the A/C vents. The resident hotel psychic on site speculated that the ghosts of John Adams, George Orwell, and the late Chris Hitchens had been highly amused by the event. The current whereabouts of Withered Mare-Elk remain unknown.