A man has been given a curfew and a banning order from every Pets At Home in the country after he was found guilty of “knocking fuck out of a seagull” back in 2018.
The man (who can be named but has a really long, complicated name, and we can't be arsed to get the spelling right. Don’t complain; if you want 100% accurate reporting, or even semi-coherent sentences maybe you should start paying us) reacted after the seagull robbed a chip from him.
Lynne Barret of Weston Super Mare (where the bird beating took place) said:
"It was a quiet day in WSM - that’s what natives to WSM call Weston Super Mare. Incidentally, the town didn’t get its name because of a “super horse”!"
She laughed at the joke. We laughed because of the drugs.
"As I said, it was a quiet day and we were just minding our own business pushing carts full of broken radios up and down the main street. It’s the typical pastime here. Then I looked up and there was an almighty ruckas and I saw him."
She was talking about the aforementioned long-named gentleman who, at this point, was seen throttling the seagull. Lynne described the incident:
"He was just screaming in the seagull's face “I fucking hate you, Mary” again and again and again. It was quite scary. I would have filmed it but I threw my phone at one of the iron sky birds the other day."
She meant aeroplanes. She concluded:
"The man then grabbed the seagull's leg, and started smashing it against the wall until one of its eyeballs popped out. A local child put it in its pocket."
When approached for comment, the RSPCA said:
"Although we recognise the fact that all seagulls are mouthy assholes, we can’t just go around smashing them all over the place. Even if we really want to."