Seagull Shitstorm

Written by Backandtotheleft

Friday, 15 March 2019

A man has been given a curfew and a banning order from every Pets At Home in the country after he was found guilty of “knocking fuck out of a seagull” back in 2018.

The man (who can be named but has a really long, complicated name, and we can't be arsed to get the spelling right. Don’t complain; if you want 100% accurate reporting, or even semi-coherent sentences maybe you should start paying us) reacted after the seagull robbed a chip from him.

Lynne Barret of Weston Super Mare (where the bird beating took place) said:

"It was a quiet day in WSM - that’s what natives to WSM call Weston Super Mare. Incidentally, the town didn’t get its name because of a “super horse”!"

She laughed at the joke. We laughed because of the drugs.

She continued:

"As I said, it was a quiet day and we were just minding our own business pushing carts full of broken radios up and down the main street. It’s the typical pastime here. Then I looked up and there was an almighty ruckas and I saw him."

She was talking about the aforementioned long-named gentleman who, at this point, was seen throttling the seagull. Lynne described the incident:

"He was just screaming in the seagull's face “I fucking hate you, Mary” again and again and again. It was quite scary. I would have filmed it but I threw my phone at one of the iron sky birds the other day."

She meant aeroplanes. She concluded:

"The man then grabbed the seagull's leg, and started smashing it against the wall until one of its eyeballs popped out. A local child put it in its pocket."

When approached for comment, the RSPCA said:

"Although we recognise the fact that all seagulls are mouthy assholes, we can’t just go around smashing them all over the place. Even if we really want to."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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