Local Man Auctions Frank Sinatra's Pork Pie Hat On The Internet - Wife Furious
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock today proudly announced that he was to auction Frank Sinatra's pork pie hat on a well known internet auction site - which E-bay or E-Bay dot disclose, depending on whether he has a cold or dot. But within minutes of t...
Read full storyOctoMom Says She Is Being Forced To Go On Welfare
LA HABRA, California - The world's most famous mother of octuplets, Nadya Suleman appeared on the Sean Hannity Show and told him that she is having to go on welfare. Hannity told her to get a damn job and to forget about having Uncle Sam pay for h...
Read full storyIs little Rosie McLoughlin really Coleen Rooney daughter?
Liverpool - (Gonads): "Print that loada rubbish and they'll have yer guts for garters," Liverpool gynaecologist - er...geneaologist! - Rodney Blaggard said today. "Lesser slurs than that started the Toxteth Riots and that was before Roo or his Mis...
Read full storyDimitar Berbatov Arrested After Man U v Liverpool Match For Identity Theft
Just in - Greater Manchester Police today possibly revealed that Manchester United's Bulgarian striker Dimitar Berbatov was probably arrested as he left Old Trafford following the clash between North-West football giants Manchester United and Liverpo...
Read full storyScouse Rooney Baiting Disappointing
Manchester United supporters were today left bewildered by the disappointing attempts by Liverpool's travelling fan contingent to wind up United striker Wayne Rooney. The Scousers - revered by the media for their natural and spontaneous wit - fail...
Read full storyUnited Fans Unusually Quiet Following 3-2 Win Over Liverpool
Things were surprisingly quiet last night in Manchester after Manchester United chalked up a 3-2 victory over local rivals Liverpool. The expected euphoric and riotous outpourings of unbridled joy failed to materialise, as reports came in that Dea...
Read full storyPop-Up Pope Beatifies 'Cars-dinal' Gary Numan
Following a translation mistake, the Pope today beatified Gary Numan. In a synthesiser-studded event in Birmingham, the 82-year-old pontiff - old enough to remember the birth of electro-pop - hailed Numan as the clear leader in the race to British ro...
Read full storyTea Bagger Christine O'Donnell's masturbation on Satanic altar clip comes back to bite her in the ass!
Christine O'Donnell - Scarah Palin's latest favorite Mama Grizzly - upholder of reel American family values (nudge-nudge; wink-wink) is finding herself in the news again and this time it's for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps O'Donnell should have h...
Read full story"Time Travel possible" says Hawking,"but only to a time that was really shite"
World renowned astrophysicist Professor Steven Hawking shocked the scientific community yesterday by announcing "It IS possible to travel back in time" However, temporal travel was restricted to dates considered "really shite" He said " Due to flu...
Read full storyBill Bailey's dog tweets
It's true; I swear on all that is currently visiting the UK from Vatican City. You heard it here first. That's right, Bill Bailey's doggy TWEETS! And I'm not enunciating like Jonathan Ross either and just to prove it, I didn't spell his last name 'Woss', which is just cheap and demeaning to both Jonathan and me as a respected journalist. What I am doing however is making a humorous play on wor...
Read full storyElton John re-writes Candle in the wind for George Michael benefit concert
In a surprise news announcement, Elton John has stepped up to speak on behalf of his troubled friend, George Michael, in an effort to drum up some support for the imprisoned singer/songwriter. Elton has said that he "empathises a great deal with G...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Zac Efron caught on video fighting in club after argument
Heart throbs Justin Bieber and Zac Efron have been caught on camera involved in a violent fight in the early hours of Saturday morning. Details are sketchy - but it is believed that sparks started to fly after Bieber suggested that President Obama...
Read full storySarkozy responds to criticisms of Immigration Policy
Nicolas Sarkozy has amended his policy of shipping the Romanians out of his country, in light of recent criticism by the European Union that it mirrored the Holocaust. Instead of forcing the refugees back onto planes, Sarkozy has launched a brand...
Read full storyScrooge sacked from from the Christmas Carol-ition government
Ebeneezer Scrooge has had a government career almost as short as David Laws, after he was sacked today by David Cameron only days after his appointment . The reason for Mr Scrooge's early departure from the cabinet are unclear - but we understand tha...
Read full storyProposition to Ban Being an Idiot Gaining Momentum
Propositions to ban being an idiot have been gaining ground in all 50 US states. This grass roots movement started with one man named Jerry NoDunces from Kansas, who grew tired of the increasing number of idiots that have grown in the US, especially...
Read full storyPresident Says the Democrats May Suck, But Republicans Suck Worse
At a press conference today, president Obama said that while the Democrats may suck, the Republicans really suck. In addressing the press Obama said: "You know, I will admit that we, the Democrats suck, we really do, but before you vote us out of...
Read full storyBob Crow visits from the past
Today the UK satellite system picked up a fluctuation in the country's background radiation levels which was revealed to be the appearance of RMT spokesman Bob Crow and his time travelling tube carriage. Having been living in the past Bob was la...
Read full storyGeorge Michael Bummed To Within An Inch Of His Life
Former pop superstar George Michael, sentenced to eight weeks in prison last week, has been the victim of a relentless and sustained sexual attack during which his ringpiece was ripped and his sphincter muscle contorted. Mr Michael, real name Geo...
Read full storyChilean Miner Escapes From Mine!
There were wild celebrations and screams of total joy this morning at the mine where 33 Chilean miners have been trapped for more than 6 weeks, when one of those buried alive scrambled out of a tiny crack at the pithead. Carlos Aquilar, 19, was ab...
Read full storyPope Benedict challenges David Blaine to public miracle competition
The Pope has challenged famous magician David Blaine to a public miracle competition. Pope Benedict told this website: "Yeah, yeah - I've seen what this Blaine can do.All very clever in its own way - fasting for days, frozen in time, fake drowning. B...
Read full story'Pope Six' sue for unlawful imprisonment
London - (Wingnuts Mess): Six harmless Westmonster Council sanitary operatives say their reputations have been trashed by Friday's arrest on trumped-up charges. The North Agrican lads had been having a bit of a joke in the works canteen about ex-H...
Read full storyGrateful Dead Sea Scrolls dispute reaches New York court
Manhattan - (Holy Smoke!): The spat goes back to the band's Giza Sound and Light Theater gig of September 14/16 1978 during a total lunar eclipse. Documents filed before the Lower Manhattan District Court say Jerry Garcia found some papyrii stuffe...
Read full storyMan vs Food presenter announces latest eating challenge as "Insane"
The Travel Channel's Adam Richman has announced his latest challenge for his Man vs Food show. The hit, which features Richman taking on eating challenges from some of the best restaurants and diners in the USA, has had some crazy platters featured b...
Read full storyWayne exorcism next? Coleen Rooney prays for miracle cure to sick marriage!
Pau, France - (Holy Cow!): Will it be bell, book and candle next for Wayne Rooney if the missus's last ditch marriage-save caper bombs? Coleen has fled to Lourdes, hoping an appeal to the Madonna will see a miracle turnaround. The direct approa...
Read full storyMost Haunted head admits truth behind hit spookfest
As the end of the hit paranormal show "Most Haunted" is announced, show creator and presenter Yvette Fielding admitted that the original intention for the show was merely to televise the games of Murder In The Dark that she and her friends and family...
Read full storyUS Children Concerned Parents Becoming More Money Minded
A new alarming trend shows that parents in America, far from inculcating good moral values in their God-fearing children have actually started to become more materialistic. The kids seem to be worried. "They always have money on their mind and the...
Read full storyAfghan Election Shock
President Karzai was voted out of office by the Afghan people in a huge Election turnout which has caused massed resignations from the Taliban Revolutionary Independent Front For Independent Demands (TRIFFID). TRIFFID, rumoured to be associated wi...
Read full storyBrutal New Strain of Disease Headed for Britain
Shock as a deadly new disease promises to cause thousands of sore heads; a million runny noses and an excuse for pupils to skive school: Pope Flu is heading for the UK. The deadly new flu is thought to have begun after the Pope was seen coughing d...
Read full storyWestminster Six released without charge after police advised that "being foreign isn't a crime"
Police in London have released six male cleaners aged between their 20s and 50s who had previously been arrested following the Pope's visit. Chief Inspector Savage of the Metropolitan Police, who had co-ordinated the dawn arrests of the men, belie...
Read full storyPope Benedict goes to wrong cathedral in Westminster
The Pope made a very common - but highly embarrassing - mistake when he tried to take mass yesterday in London. He initially turned up at Westminster Abbey - knowing that is where the Kings of Queens of England have been crowned, where the greatest m...
Read full storyGeneral 'Six Kebabs' suffers embarrassment of needing a new XXXXL uniform
In a major embarrassment for the Ministry of Defence, the new head of the British Army, General Sir Baldrick Brick-Shithouse, has been forced to purchase a new XXXXL uniform, due to the ever increasing size of his girth; and this comes only days afte...
Read full storyParis "The Spoiled Little Rich Girl " Hilton Works Out A Deal To Stay Out Of Prison (Again!)
LAS VEGAS - Well it looks like the Land of Chips will also now be known as The Land Without Balls as Las Vegas authorities have let the poor, little, misguided, rich bitch Paris Hilton get off virtually Scott free. The Hilton ho has become an expe...
Read full storyAus P-Plater nabbed doing speed limit
SYDNEY- An 18 year old was clocked doing 50 kilometers an hour in a 50km limit street in Western Sydney overnight. Sergent Paul Lowes was shocked by the incident. "He's giving probationary drivers everywhere a bad name.' he said. "When you s...
Read full storyLeaked company papers revealed startling news about trapped miners in the Chile gold mine
Leaked company papers revealed startling news about trapped miners in the Chile gold mine. The papers, which had yet to been discovered, discussed how the Chile government and Mining Company expect the trapped miners to pay for their own rescue by...
Read full storyWimbledon to Outlaw Grunts for 2011
London - Wimbledon officials today dropped a bombshell on the tennis world, when they announced the complete elimination of grunting for 2011. "We wanted to give players nearly a year to work on their play without grunting," said official on cond...
Read full storyTwo Suspicious Loiterers Reported Near the White House
Washington DC: The Secret Service surrounded two suspicious well dressed persons sitting on the curb outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, both holding signs. Luckily President Obama was on vacation. One individual had a blue sign with the words "WILL...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Not Father Of Twins!
A very relieved Justin Bieber got the news he was wanting to hear this morning, he is NOT the father of twins! A 16-year-old young lady was pregnant and she told everyone that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby. The juvenile's father had tol...
Read full storySusan Boyle: I Still Look Like A Bag Of Potatoes With A Painted Head!
After all the makeup and care that she has received from some of the best, Susan Boyle says she's not all that pleased with herself. "Back home we call it "Mutton dressed like lamb" and that's what it is. I appreciate all the work that's been done...
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