Reggie Bush 2005 Heisman Trophy Given To President Obama
Former USC running back Reggie Bush has returned his 2005 Heisman Trophy after it was discovered that the University of Southern California had committed some serious offenses during that year, in both football and basketball. A committee was due...
Read full storyWe All Owe Maj. Alan Rogers More Than A Bullsh-t Apology For Years of "Don't Ask Don't Tell."
Major Alan Rogers's life was as complex as it was inspiring - he was adopted at 5 years old, an intelligence officer in the Army, an ordained Baptist minister, African American, and gay. As one of only 25 officers sent to Georgetown University in 2004 to earn a master's degree in public policy, Maj. Rogers analyzed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for his thesis. He concluded that repeal "would yield h...
Read full storyPied Piper Paedophile: 130 Dead
A sick paedophile has today been accused of the horrific rape and murder of 130 children. The man in question, aged 35 from Hamelin, is said to have lured the children aged 8 and under away from their homes by the use of a supposed "magic pipe."...
Read full storyBlow Up Doll on Glenn Beck Sex Tape Hits Talk Show Circuit
A blow up doll known only as "Kinkie" is making the talk show rounds this week. She wants to set the record straight that even though she is the sexy doll featured in a sex tape being shopped around by one of Glenn Beck's closest friends, she had not...
Read full storyBritain is a huge steaming turd - says Pope Bendict
After Cardinal Walter Kasper described Britain as a third world country, Pope Benedict XXX went one further by describing Britain as a huge steaming turd floating in Europe's toilet bowl. On the eve of his visit to the UK Pope Benedict, real name...
Read full storyThird world countries upset at Vatican Cardinal's description of UK as "a Third World country". Threaten to burn Freemasons Bible
ROME: On the eve of the Popatus' visit to Britain, senior papal advisers seem to be suffering from an acute case of "foot-in-the-mouth" disease. It's bad enough that Brit taxpayers are on the hook for 12 million pounds, so surely a little bit of sen...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars' Karina Smirnoff Warns The Jersey Shore's Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino That He Had Better Behave
HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars's Karina Smirnoff, who was once engaged to wed "The Bad Boy of The Ballroom" himself, Maksim Chmerkovskiy has let her new dance partner Michael Sorrentino, alias "The Situation" know that he had better behave himsel...
Read full storyTexas Church Shows Loyalty With Tattoo On Ass!
An Abilene, Texas church, "The Good Community Church" has had several of their members have a tattoo made on their rears to express their loyalty to the pastor and the Texas church. The tattoos are composed of the church logo. Asked if this was...
Read full storyLady GaGa's Meat Dress Had One Piece Not From The Butcher
On MTV Awards night, Lady GaGa wore an authentic meat dress & slippers but there was one part that was different. Always trying to outdo her fellow performers, the Lady had to go some to outfreak the freaks. This has lead many of them to criti...
Read full storyGeorge Michael Given Another Ten Years After Reports That He Swerved To Avoid Hitting Gary Glitter
Rumours just in seem to suggest that George Michael, the former Wham! singer and alleged out of control weed gardener has been sentenced by the Court Of Star Chamber to an additional ten years on top of his existing sentence. After rumours (unfoun...
Read full storyPolice: Naked Woman Steals Taxi
LAS VEGAS, NV - Police in Las Vegas say a woman disrobed in the back seat of a taxi and demanded that the driver "take her home". When the driver failed to understand what she wanted, she stole his cab. Acting Chief Joseph Chronister told The Las...
Read full storyPolice Swoop on Child Abuse Ringleader
London, UK: Police swooped today to nab the man believed to be head of the world's largest paedophile ring. The elderly German, an Italian resident who arrived in the UK today travelling under the name Benedict, has been identified by police as th...
Read full storyFrench diagnosed with brain damage?
The recent diagnosis of Kay Russell, 49, from Gloucestershire with Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) has been a major breakthrough in international relations. Russell said friends who had known her for years suddenly did not recognise her on the tele...
Read full storyDon't mess with Jack the Parrot, otherwise you'll get your face pecked in!
Coventry, England: A City known for its diva, the Lady Godiva, comes a new 'i-con', Jack the Parrot! Known for his razor sharp beak and very sharp talons, he will go berseck. Three gangsters had the pleasure of being pecked and clawed hard, when...
Read full storyPregnant Nun sucking ice cream is banned!
An advertisement depicting a pregnant Nun sucking ice cream has been banned and the Nun too! The advertisement caused quite a stir (or scoop) at the Vatican, Italy, (home of Mama's Bella Tutti Frutti's) but not because of the pregnant Nun, non por...
Read full storyTrades Union 'Brothers' Conference sing Beatles song, "We all live in a Utopian subsidised dream!"
Manchester, England: During the last 13 years of the Labour Party Utopia, when the Union 'Brothers' had control of the Government due to their financial contributions, not a word was uttered about the dire state of Britain's financial situation. Th...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato To Guest Star On "Gossip Girl" As The Tarantelli Triplets
HOLLYWOOD - The producers of CW's Gossip Girl have revealed that they have in fact just signed Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato to appear as the Tarantelli Triplets in the hit television teen drama. The three teen singing sensations will...
Read full storySenate clears way for Obama's small 'package'
WASHINGTON, DC - The Senate on Tuesday advanced Obama's 'package' for small business but failed to relieve millions of companies from the fear of being 'upped in the cadbury's' by the federal government. Two Republicrats joined Demolickans in the...
Read full storyDishonourable Discharge
Reading Police are cock-a-hoop over the arrest of the two notorious Directors of "Sperm-U-Like," a long running Internet scam aimed at desperate, childless couples. Clients paid £380 to join, choosing potential fathers from a list of anonymous sp...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent: Prince Poppycock Is Devastated That Piers Morgan X'd Him
HOLLYWOOD - The performer known as Prince Poppycock gave what he felt was his best performance on America's Got Talent yet, but towards the end of his act, the British judge Piers Morgan reached down and hit his X button. PP was literally shocked,...
Read full storyLawsuit looming over Penis Surgery
South Miami Hospital in Dade County, Florida, an affiliate of the Baptist Medical Group, has admitted that one of its doctors performed an unauthorized circumcision on an 8 day old infant. The baby's mother was mortified to learn her son had been thr...
Read full storyLady Gaga Gets 'Deli Order' Tweet From Senate Leader Harry Reid
HOLLYWOOD, CA - In addition to setting the fashion world on fire with her meat dress and plowing down some records on her way to eight VMA wins on Sunday night, Lady Gaga also got some serious business done. The singer, who marched down the white...
Read full storyTUC joins with the Governor of the Bank of England
In a display of workers solidarity the Governor of the Bank of England told the TUC Conference that they were right to be angry with the Banks over the Financial crisis. However he also said that the working people of the country would still have...
Read full storyPrison Governor notes that Mr Michael may have foreseen his future
Mr Trevor Brew, Chief Screw at Her Majesty's Open Prison Balaclava on the Isle of Wight, welcomed the impending arrival of the most famous inmate sent to him for rehab and further driver instruction. "Mr Michael will find that membership is a smil...
Read full storyReading the news in underwear is all the rage in Slovenia.
Slovenian 24UR Newsroom, Slovenia: Catching Newsreaders with their trousers down is all part of the boring job of being a Newsreader in Slovenia. Seen on national television, a Newsreader moves his swivel chair away from the desk to reveal that h...
Read full storyPrince Harry's Rastafarian disguise is part of his SAS training!
Chelsy, London: With leave at the Army for Prince Harry at a premium, it would appear that his next posting will be in the SAS! As part of Prince Harry's 'SAS induction' he has had to spend half his life in night clubs! Prince Harry is understood...
Read full storyPapal absolution for Rooney hooker Jennifer Thompson
Manchester - (Missionary Position News): The Salford Escort Agency's Slapper-of-the-Year is being offered the chance of a ritual confession when the Papal circus rolls into town. Fears that the confessional might be bugged with hidden camcorder eq...
Read full storyPope to dunk thousands in Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain baptism spectacular
London - (Goodbye England's Woes Mess): The mass ablution of congenital sins will take place in the open air at London's Hype Park this Saturday. Weeks of preparation have seen thousands of gallons of disinfectant dumped into the Memorial Fountain...
Read full storySocial Services 'get wind of 3,500 children expected at Pope's Hyde Park circus'
London - (Holy Shit! Mess): The authorities said today they'd be taking no chances as the papal freakshow advance party rolled into town. Thousand of specialist child protection officials will be mingling with the crowds on Saturday amid reports...
Read full storyPope to beatify his turncoat grandpa Cardinal Newman
Birmingham - (Holy Shit! Mess): The notorious C of E turncoat and father of satanist Aleister Crowley John is to be beatified by his Hellfire grandson this weekend. A full-bling smoke 'n' mirrors ceremony at Hellfire Club HQ will see Pope Joe Rat...
Read full storyThe pending winter of discontent
A new theory doing the rounds is that senior trades union officials are all born with incurable brain damage. Why else would they wish to be top trades union officials? A very good question. Actually they all have delusions of grandeur, but lack the basic intelligence to make any headway in the world of commerce, hence their lowly stations in life. I cite the sad case of fat John who was forced to...
Read full storyPope Benny to have tea party with "holy see" men
Benny the magic pope is popping in for a cuppa, lovely. Best get the kettle on and bake a cake. Prince Philip will be meeting Mr The Pope when his plane touches down on Thursday and then it's off to bonny scotch land, yay, road trip! Phil and B...
Read full storyAir Traffic Control warns Pope Force One against flying via Pan Am 103 Lockerbie path
Scotland - (Fly-By-Night News): The ancient Vatican Heirlines Tupolev-154 is an exact replica of the 30 year-old rust bucket that carried tragic Polish President Lech Kaczynski RIP in April this year. Its projected route over Scottish soil is sche...
Read full storyGeorge Michael Heads For Chile
George Michael, the former pop star who was handed an eight-week jail sentence yesterday, is this evening heading out of Heathrow Airport on his way to Chile, it has been revealed. Michael, or, should I say, Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou to give hi...
Read full storyChilean Miners To Be Freed By Caesarean Section?
The 33 trapped Chilean miners, who have now been stuck underground for nearly 6 weeks, may eventually be rescued by Caesarean Section, it has been revealed. The news comes after the wife of Ariel Ticona, one of the trapped workers, gave birth to a...
Read full storyPubic Hair Found in Bath
A friend who was fried alive by his girl friend for leaving the toilet seat up should hear my tale of woe. I left one of my curliest pubic hairs in the bath. On top of that I used her toothbrush - even after kissing her I was not forgiven for that. I pulled the sheet from her side of the bed. I kicked her when I was dreaming. I broke a plate when doing the washing up. I got mud on t...
Read full storyLocal man decides to move, he has had enough of being local
A local man, who has lived locally for some time has had enough of the locality. "I've just had enough of the locality" said the almost, but not quite, irate local man, "I've put my house on the market, I'm flipping off mate, hasta la bugger it, v...
Read full storyAlarm copyright infringement
Tony Dribbleworth of Sheffield has launched an audacious bid to take back the money that he feels he is owed by alarm clock manufacturers the world over. Dribbleworth claims that he created the tune played by virtually every alarm clock created si...
Read full storyGeorge Michael has been sentenced to prison. "At last!" He said, smiling!
George Michael has fulfilled a lifetime dream, he's been sentenced to prison, "yahoo" he yelled as sentence was passed. George is packing his suitcase full of tight "Whammy" shorts, his pink tangas and his special pink latex gloves "wanky wanky!"...
Read full storyHarvard goofs with Brown
Harvard University is embarrassed to find it has invited the wrong Brown as visiting Fellow. They thought they were getting Jeffrey R. Brown who recently published a paper 'The Effect of Inheritance Receipt on Retirement Decisions', but instead ha...
Read full storyBrown folllows tradition and buggers off to U.S.
Gordon Brown, probably the most disastrous Chancellor, then Prime Minister, Britain has ever known, has announced that he is following tradition in retirement. Like Tony Blair before him, he is buggering off abroad leaving chaos behind him. The t...
Read full storyThe Final Four Strut Their "A" Stuff On America's Got Talent
HOLLYWOOD - Nick "The Popsicle Stick" Cannon strutted out on the America's Got Talent finale stage and looked like a full-fledged circus ringmaster except not as fat, not as loud, and not as white. He introduced the final four performers and then...
Read full storyChile Miners Latest: Baby Born In Tunnel
The Trapped Chilean Miners saga lumbers on with the news that, for the first time since the miners were buried alive nearly six weeks ago, a birth has been recorded amongst the tiny trapped community - a bouncing baby girl!. Ariel Ticona, who has...
Read full storyChilean Miner Criticised For Being Absent At The Birth Of His Daughter
Relatives of trapped Chilean miner Ariel Ticona have expressed their "disgust and disbelief" that he did not attend the birth of his daughter yesterday. Before the main access tunnel to the San Jose copper and gold mine collapsed on 5 August, Mr...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Admits He Has A Crush On Jasmine Villegas
WINNIPEG - Justin Bieber just opened his Justin Bieber Criss Crosses North America By Bus Tour in Winnipeg's Icy Arena. Bieber stated that he was thrilled to have Jasmine Villegas as his opening act. When asked if the rumors of his having a crush...
Read full storyMaster Gardener arrested again for using human body parts
Whidbey Island, Washington - Hector Creatmore jailed in 2004 after he confessed to using human body parts in his compost fertilizer, was arrested again after a lone foot was found floating in the lake near his home. Mr. Creatmore became a suspec...
Read full storyA Progressive Hippie's Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, there was a large hippie clan living in a remote area of the Appalachian Mountains. They had been living a quiet life out of mainstream America since the early 70's. They dropped out of society during the Nixon administration fully expecting to re-integrate back in when Nixon left office, but decided their lifestyle was one that could not be abandoned so easily. Numbering in t...
Read full storyFormer Spice Girl Mel B., 56, Sued For Exposing Beaver
Zig-a zig unghhh - Mel B., formerly known as Meathole Spice of the Spice Girls, who is currently paying the rent by starring in "Peep Show" on the Las Vegas strip, selling exercise videos and being a mom to her child with Cash-Cow alleged Bi-boy Eddi...
Read full storyWhen Death Was Delicious: Boston Residents Remember Victims of Great Molasses Disaster.
Thousands of Boston residents gathered at the city's largest waffle statue in remembrance of those brave Bostonians who were felled by the Great Molasses Disaster of 1919. On January 15, 1919, in the North End neighborhood of Boston, Massachusetts...
Read full storyJennifer Lopez Is Officially In As American Idol Judge and The Producers Deny The Rumor That She'll Need Two Chairs
HOLLYWOOD - Well after negotiations that seemed to go on for two years, the producers of American Idol Simon Shindlebocker and Kyle Boot have announced that they have signed Jennifer Lopez to take Kara DioGuardi's place. Shindlebocker said that th...
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