When Death Was Delicious: Boston Residents Remember Victims of Great Molasses Disaster.

Written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

image for When Death Was Delicious: Boston Residents Remember Victims of Great Molasses Disaster.

Thousands of Boston residents gathered at the city's largest waffle statue in remembrance of those brave Bostonians who were felled by the Great Molasses Disaster of 1919.

On January 15, 1919, in the North End neighborhood of Boston, Massachusetts, a huge molasses tank 50 ft tall, 90 ft in diameter and containing as much as 2,300,000 gallons of hot, sticky death collapsed. The collapse unleashed an immense wave of molasses between 8 and 15 ft high, moving at 35 mph.

"I'll never forget it," waxed Myron Pheebs, who was 10 at the time. "Molasses, waist deep, covered the street and swirled and bubbled about. Here and there struggled a form, a thrashing about in the sticky mass, Horses and men died like so many flies on sticky fly-paper."

"What the f...? He's reading from a book," said Mrs. Pheebs. "I'll tell you what really happened. One minute we were denying the Negros their basic human rights, as Bostonians are wont to do. Suddenly, I smelled Mama's delicious pancakes. Then, a rumble... And then, pancake syrup, as far as the eye could see. It was delicious and frightening at the same time.

First to the scene were 116 cadets under the direction of the USS Nantucket, a training ship of the Massachusetts Nautical School. While they were instrumental in preventing some children from diving into the wave, their actions may have caused more deaths.


That in the United Kingdom, pancakes have only four key ingredients: plain flour, eggs, milk and chopped Thames Eels. The batter is runny and forms a thin layer on the bottom of the frying pan when the pan is tilted. Once cooked, it tastes like sh-t, as does all other English food.

"Those f--king idiots killed my family," said a 93 year-old man, who long ago forgot his name. "They went and pumped tons of flour and shortening into the harbor, trying to create batter to make world's biggest pancake. 'Everyone's hungry,' they said. 'We'll make breakfast for ten-thousand.' A--holes!! My mother barely escaped the molasses, only to drown in a f--king undercooked griddle cake. I miss her so much."

The memorial service was hilariously sponsored by the Aunt Jemima Company, but they quickly backed out.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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