Adam Lambert To Do Duet With Sharon Peters
If news from a National Tabloid can be believed, singer Adam Lambert will soon be putting out...his second album that will include his new best friend, Sharon Peters. "Sharon and I do really well together", stated Lambert according to the article...
Read full storyOzzie talks about results of Speech Therapy with Becks
Ozzie Osbourne was interviewed earlier today about his progress on his speech therapy classes with David Beckham. "Well, I'm f****ing well giving up," began Ozzie, "It's a f***ing waste of my time. I've f****ing tried everything to 'elp 'im. Becks isn't moving forward. In fact, as far as I can see the **** is going f****ing backwards. I've been trying to 'elp 'im - 'ang on a sec......
Read full storyAlex Reid and Peter Andre to battle it out
Alex Reid has reportedly accepted Peter Andre's cry to 'battle to the death,' after Reid told his cage friends all about 'Pete's little winkey.' Reid's buddies were said to have 'pissed their jocks,' at the many tales Reid blurted out, all told to hi...
Read full storySuBo to join 'Corrie'!
Susan Boyle fanatics were last night confused as usual when it was announced SuBo is to join the cast of Coronation Street. She is set to appear as the new Rovers Return barmaid after viewers see Corrie stalwart Betty explode of old age next month.
Read full storyA Woman With Tattooed Arms and Traveling With X-Factor's Danyl Johnson Prevented From Boarding Airplane At Heathrow
LONDON - Airport officials at Heathrow today prevented a woman of Saudi Arabian descent from boarding a Trans Atlantic flight from London to Boston. The woman, who was identified as Duba Meccavitz, reportedly had a total of 39 tattoos just on her...
Read full storyTom Cruise Explains Why People Die
Tom Cruise apparently felt sorry for the reporters asking him about his next movie and enlightened us on the fact that he and the other scientologists had found what causes death. As he explained he got more and more excited, often waving his arm...
Read full storyAshley Tisdale To Star As Britney Spears In "Lip Syncing Down In Kangaroo Land"
BRISBANE, Australia - Ashley Tisdale has just completed work on the Thunderstruck Motion Picture Company's movie Lip Syncing Down In Kangaroo Land. The movie which is a romance musical deals with the infamous 2009 Britney Spears concert tour in wh...
Read full storyRepublican Book Debut - 'Everything We Learned About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten'
The Republican Party in conjunction with FOX News is celebrating their collaborative publishing effort, a new book called 'Everything We Need To Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten'. Its publication has started such a buying frenzy amo...
Read full storyOrlando Bloom Dumps Kate Gosselin
PENSACOLA, Florida - Orlando Bloom, aka Will Turner of The Pirates of The Caribbean movie series was in town to film several scenes of the next "Buccaneer" installment entitled Pirates of The Caribbean - Who Took My Friggin' Doubloons? Bloom, who...
Read full storySubo signs on the dotted line
The long delayed Movie defining the Nulabour project "When Gordon met Tony" was sensationally resurrected last night after Susan Boyle put pen to paper. SuBo, aka Susan Boyle, (or "The Mad Minger", locally) confirmed that she'll be starring as "...
Read full storyBritney Photographer Dies Of Hepatitis B After Putting Up With All Her Crap
Paparazzi reporter Benjamin Hack,who had followed Britney Spears for the past five years succumbed to Hepatitis B yesterday, and doctors say it was from all that shit that stays in the vicinity of the singing star. Dr. Lonas James of The Dayo Cli...
Read full storyTasmanian Devil Bites Queen
This morning, Lulu, a six-month-old Tasmanian Devil, chomped on the Queen's shoe and didn't let go. Zookeepers assisted Her Royal Highness by removing the shoe from the Queen, but not the shoe from the devil. Lulu proceeded to devour the en...
Read full storyKatie Price Claims Style Victory
Up and coming movie mogul, Katie Price, has claimed a victory at the Total Class Style Awards ceremony in Dublin. Despite not winning an award Miss Price said, "I don't care what them stuck up f*rs say in there. I'm THE most stylish person in the...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Appointed UK 'Wellness' Tsarina
Troubled entertainer Amy Winehouse was given a boost yesterday night when she was appointed the UK's 'Wellness Tsarina' by a secretive group of Whitehall string-pullers. The post, although unsalaried, will allow Winehouse to tour the world in orde...
Read full storyImage of Jesus seen in Christine Bleakley
Roly poly West Brom fan and presenter of BBC1's The One Show, Adrian Chiles, claims he had a 'highly religious moment' when he saw the face of Jesus. Not in the bottom of a saucepan or on a piece of mouldy bread like normal members of the public...
Read full storyDead Man Walking Shows True Colors In Benefit Q&A Row
Actor/Director Sean Penn showed his true colors last night when he had a reporter forcibly removed from a charity benefit dinner for asking an awkward question. The benefit, in aid of Haitian earthquake relief descended into chaos when Mary Grumbl...
Read full storyWoman, 92, Charged With Murdering Husband, 98
A 92 year old woman has been charged with murdering her husband in Sydney Australia. Though a post mortem is to be undertaken to officially confirm the cause of death, neighbours have reported that the woman chopped off her husbands penis to "sor...
Read full storySusan Boyle's face appears in birthday gift - it's a real miracle fans cry
A small town in the USA has been overwhelmed by middle aged ladies following the revelation on a fan site that their idol's face had appeared in a 1000 page birthday card destined for Miss Boyle's Scottish home. Subo fanatics are travelling from a...
Read full storyUnlucky Tourists Discover Reason Why Ireland is called IREland
German tourist couple Adolf and Eva Snitzelbrugher discovered for themselves the true meaning of why Ireland is called by that name. The loving couple had been on a romantic weekend, climbing mountains and valleys, visiting quaint country villages...
Read full storyMichael Winner Poisoned
It's just becoming public that thoroughly bloody annoying 'Death Wish' director, food critic, and insurance salesman Michael Winner has been poisoned whilst filming the latest series of his crap TV show 'The Insufferable Michael Winner's Poxily Prete...
Read full story'Dave's as mad as a hatter' says Sam Cam
London - (Rioters): "He even thinks he can be Prime Minister!" Mrs C explained today as the Tories wheeled out their secret election Top Gun. "So what if he's a dead ringer for Oswald Mosely? Plenty of men would sell their grandmas to be in his en...
Read full storyUK take away election coming up
We have all heard of "the give away budgets" that bribe voters to elect certain political parties. Now we can reveal, "the take away election" with Labour and Conservative spin doctors feeding the media, times are hard, we must all tighten our belts. All, that is, except MP's who are set to receive a £1000 pay rise. So what can we expect them to take away? Bin collections will be a thing...
Read full storyUtterly Useless Tw*t Makes £5.6 Million Bonus
Questions were asked in the House today demanding to know from the Prime Minister how it could possibly have occurred that an utterly useless twat made £5.6 million in bonuses, on top of his salary in a recession? The Prime Minister fannied about...
Read full storyKray Twins 'were the Thompson and Venables of their day'
London - (Hellfire Club Mess): Notorious mobsters Ronnie and Reggie Kray began their criminal careers 'much like Robert Thompson and Jon Venables' according to a criminal archives discovery at the Tower of London. But the only reason the long arm...
Read full storyProtester Disrupts 'Wellness' Conference
A 'wellness' conference promoting a healthy lifestyle held in Mugford town hall was interrupted last night by a protester who claimed that the whole concept of 'wellness' was just another corporate con, engineered by the bourgeoisie in order to save...
Read full storyPostman Pat Demands a Postal Vote
Postman Pat today demanded a postal vote in the General Election and also demanded a vote for his black and white cat because he says its got more sense than the brainwashed electorate. Pat explained that he is a busy man and he delivers all the l...
Read full storyMonday's Ides of March New Moon Shocker
London - (Prudence/Jurisprudence Mess): The magnificent Sun/Moon/Mercury/Uranus conjunction at 25 degrees Pisces takes place on the historic day that disgusted Romans sent a clear message to tyrannical despot Gaius Julius Gorgon Brown Caesar. A sn...
Read full storyJames Browns body no longer lies a Mold'ring in its grave
Soul singer James Brown's body has gone a missing from its grave but his soul goes marching on. The daughter of James Brown claims her fathers body has gone from the temporary crypt at her home in South Carolina. Former air hostess LaRhonda believ...
Read full storyThe Toyota Kamikaze: New Sports Car Unveiled
The latest must have sports car, set to be the fastest production car avaialbe, The Kamikaze was announced in Detroit today. A brief statement said, "We are proud to bring exclusively to America the latest in sports car innovation. It is the Kamik...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston Not Really Sure About Gerard Butler Or Anything Else
It would appear that Jennifer Aniston is having real trouble being sure about anything, as she appears to have been stricken by a chronic case of indecision. Movie critics were blown away by the on-screen chemistry between Aniston and 'The Bounty...
Read full storySean Penn To Run For Office
Sean Penn, formerly Mr Madonna, has announced that he intends to become President of the United States. The actor announced his plans at a meeting of his biggest fans, held in a telephone kiosk on Sunset Boulevard. As luck would have it, the kiosk wa...
Read full storyTiger declines golf challenge from Mr Magoo
Tiger Woods has declined a golf match challenge from Mr Magoo the short sighted Gink after he heard it can take Mr Magoo up to three weeks to finish a round of golf. While playing Golf in Florida recently Mr Magoo hit a shot so far off the mark hi...
Read full storyProfessor Karl Carlton the Nutty Professor on satellite weapons
Professor Karl Carlton known as the nutty professor, claims that the FBI and the CIA, have powerful satellite mind controlling weapons, that can control the minds of people they have under surveillance. There are disturbing reports that scientists...
Read full storyLocal Man In Late Night Shop Horror
Local man Martin Shuttlecock was this morning relaxing in bed with a nice cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits following a heart stopping visit to his local all-night supermarket, accompanied by long suffering wife, Anne. Shuttlecock, not usuall...
Read full storyKatie Price fails to get on the Weakest Link
Katie Price was due to appear on a celebrity edition of the Weakest Link but the idea was abandoned when it became clear she was unable to answer a single question correct. It would have been extremely embarrassing if Price had appeared on the te...
Read full storyBarney prefers Sylvester to Arnie
Five times World Darts Champion Raymond Van Barneveld known to his fans as Barney,prefers Sylvester to Arnie. Not Sylvester the cat and the little bird Tweety its Sylvester Stallone he is talking about. Barney's Tweets on Twitter explain that his...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart ask Eddie The Eagle to cross the Channel on water skies
After watching Christine Bleakley the One Show presenter cross the English Channel on water skies,Robert Pattinson & Kirsten Stewart have been discussing who could do it better. Pattinson reckons that Eddie the Eagle former winter Olympic ski...
Read full storyLady Gaga wants to copy Christine Bleakley
Lady Gaga wants to copy One Show presenter Christine Bleakley and water ski across the English channel but with one major difference, Ga Ga wants to wear a hat with a seagull stuck on top. Gaga has said that she will cross the channel in a faster...
Read full story'Lost Vegas' could go Bankrupt
For more than 25 years the gambling capital of the World, Las Vegas has been booming but America's failing economy has finally caught up with it. The real estate market, has collapsed and thousands of homes are being repossessed,also thousands of...
Read full storyCake King Mr Kipling Dies
Bakewell, Hampshire - The Kipling family announced today that Lionel Kipling, father to a nation of obese diabetics, died peacefully at home on Wednesday. He was 79. Although Mr Kipling was greatly admired by a cake-munching public, he had not in...
Read full storyEMI tried to placate Pink Floyd with cigar
After a court ruled this week that rock band Pink Floyd could stop record label EMI from selling individual songs from its albums, an insider for the music giant was quick to deny that EMI were just a faceless corporation looking to exploit artists.
Read full storyBleakley told go to France
Adrian Chiles told Christine Bleakley his co presenter, on that boring show The One Show to go to France so she did.Apparently they have not being getting on for some time Chiles even started trying to grow a beard to try and annoy Bleakley and then...
Read full storyKatie Price Fans Queue Up
There were hysterical scenes today at cinemas across the country as avid Katie Price fans began queuing for her forthcoming biopic, said to be on general release sometime next year. One fan waiting in line at a West Bromwich cinema said, "I just w...
Read full storyGreece To Be Bailed Out - UK, Germany to Take 30% Share
After weeks of worsening economic news, Greece has been bailed out in a controversial scheme that will see the UK and German governments both take 30% of shares in the country. RBS-chief, Stephen Hester, has also been installed as the new Prime Minis...
Read full storyGriffin Expelled By Own Party
BNP leader, Nick Griffin, was ousted by his party last night in an extraordinary general meeting of its leadership council. During the party's recent legal wranglings over its membership policy, their constitution, which requires would-be members...
Read full storyDoctors too Busy to see Doctors say Doctors
In a shocking leak we have learnt from NHS sources that most GPs are now even too busy to treat each other. According to a soon to be released report we have learnt that a shocking 95% of GPs are simply far too busy attending parties, golf tournam...
Read full storyBrenda Song To Star With Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett In "Titanic 2 - Please Pass The Iceberg Lettuce"
PETALUMA, California - One of the Disney Channels most popular singer/actresses Brenda Song has signed to appear in the oceanic film Titanic 2 - Please Pass The Iceberg Lettuce." The 21-year-old Song will join Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslett,...
Read full storyYou are as Old as You Feel Claim Scientists
In an astounding new report a group of scientists from the University of Stoned California have announced that you genuinely are as young as you feel. Following on from other research not even remotely related to greenhouse gasses or melting iceca...
Read full storyBritney Spears Song "My Skin Is Just Itching To Be Touched" Hits #1
PADUCAH, Kentucky - Britney Spears was backstage after having performed to a standing room only crowd at Paducah's Blue Grass Auditorium when she was given some real good news. Her most recent single "My Skin Is Just Itching To Be Touched" which s...
Read full storyCharlotte Church Reveals How She Lost 87 Pounds!
LONDON - Charlotte Church, one of the most outspoken singers to ever come out of Wales has lost a total of 87 pounds. Church said that the reason she decided to go on a diet was simply because she got fed up with all of the criticism from the doze...
Read full storyHow to drive when you're 103 - Part 2
Welcome young ladies and gentlesirs to my latest missive I have received a veritable inundation of correspondence following my initial instructional verbiabge. Unfortunately I do not understand such Hogarthean terms such as "Moron", "Ancient Git" or "Oh for F**** Sake Not Him Again" I must therefore take your mass of letters of proof of my correctness As more hirsute or intelligent re...
Read full storyBugglestone United - The Manager's Tale - By Jaffa Gonzalez
Here we are then. Bugglestone. A bit of a comedown from Anfield. Mustn't grumble though. It could be worse. Could've been Portsmouth, or Luton. The thoughts of Jaffa Gonzalez as he parked the Renault Kangoo outside Cemetery Park on his first day of managing Bugglestone United - The Buggers. Gutted at being sacked by Liverpool for failing to finish in the top 15, Jaffa was understandabl...
Read full storyMGB Coming Back as Hybrid
Its true, the MGB retro will be on the assembly line by summer. All the same fun and all the same idiosyncrasies are build into the new B. You want over steer, Lucas wiring, no airbags, manual everything, you get it with the new MGB. Gone is the 1...
Read full storyBBC Announces New Dancing Schedule
Following on from the success of prime time dancing shows such as "Celebrity Come Dancing", "Newsnight Goes Dancing", "Dancing on Wheels" and "Dancing Sky at Night" the BBC has today announced its new Autumn schedule. Programmes will of course fea...
Read full storyFirst Federal Airlines' Flight Departs from Washington DC's New Airport
Washington DC: The new Barack Obama International Airport finally opened right downtown, a stone's throw from the White House, 12 years after construction started. Progressive Democrats (loony left liberal members of Congress) commencing in 2010...
Read full storyDyslexic Stoner Accidently Overdoses On LDS
Artie Finn, a man known for many years to the local community as a "stoner and reject from society," dropped out of school many years ago due to their lack of ability to work with dyslexic students. This reading disability, along with his lifestyle,...
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