It's just becoming public that thoroughly bloody annoying 'Death Wish' director, food critic, and insurance salesman Michael Winner has been poisoned whilst filming the latest series of his crap TV show 'The Insufferable Michael Winner's Poxily Pretentious Michael Winner Dinner Party Show'
In which Michael Winner visits members of the great British public, eats their meticulously prepared dishes, drinks all their alcohol, avails himself of their hospitality and then insults and humiliates them.
On television.
Apparently, the show's researchers boobed when they sent Winner off to Mary Wussypip's home in Glandford-Spectrum, because Mary is a notorious practical joker, who had already decided that she was going to poison the food critic.
"I didn't really do any lasting damage," Wussypip laughed. "I just got a bit of payback for all those hard working cooks and chefs he's rubbished over the years."
Indeed.
Wussypip's exotic menu was far more exotic than met the eye. As Michael Winner discovered to his cost.
Following a starter of fried anteater glands served with croutons, Winner started to sweat.
Following the main course of roasted fillet of Siberian tiger, served with sargasso and mung beans, Winner started turning a strange shade of purple.
The Peruvian Pussy Fruit with honeyed yak fat dessert was the final straw. Winner fled to the toilet at a fair old clip on wobbly legs and didn't surface again until the ambulance arrived.
A paramedic told us that he'd never seen such a serious case of the screaming shits.
"I thought the poor bastard was going to shit himself inside out," a paramedic at the scene told us.
Mary Wussypip admitted that he'd laced the cranky critic's food with exotic toxins from Borneo and the Amazon jungle, which she'd obtained off E-Buy.
Mr Winner is said to be making a steady recovery.
Mary Wussypip is expected to plead not guilty before Glandford-Spectrum magistrates on the grounds that all the evidence has been flushed down the shitter.
More as we get it.
