Cake King Mr Kipling Dies

Funny story written by JP Johnston

Saturday, 13 March 2010


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Lionel Kipling - Fondant Fancy

Bakewell, Hampshire - The Kipling family announced today that Lionel Kipling, father to a nation of obese diabetics, died peacefully at home on Wednesday. He was 79.

Although Mr Kipling was greatly admired by a cake-munching public, he had not in fact been seen since his disastrous Austrian court appearance in 1962. Found guilty of homosexuality under the country's then strict laws for indulging in what he was quoted as calling his "Viennese Whirls", he then moved to Nice before being hounded for his "French Fancies". His long-term partner, Jack Bramley whom Mr Kipling nicknamed "Butter-Flap Jack" said, "We will all miss our Fruity Pie."

His misery continued. In the 1970's he was linked by British tabloids to Lord Henry Battenberg, although a gagging order prevented further speculation. He was arrested in 1977 for brandishing a shotgun at his estate to frighten off a group of "Spongers" but the case was quickly dropped. A motorcycle accident in Yorkshire in 1979 left him with painful crushed nuts.

After his share of the company was largely sold to investors in the 1980's, it was alleged that Kipling had become involved in the funding of the underground pornographic hit "Lemon Slices", although the family strenuously denied this. His family also deny reports that toward the end of his life he became obsessed with regaining his position at his old company, bombarding them with new recipe suggestions including the notorious "Cock Cake" and "Arsehole Fancy" designs.

The estate will pass to his niece Dr Victoria Slice.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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