We have all heard of "the give away budgets" that bribe voters to elect certain political parties.
Now we can reveal, "the take away election" with Labour and Conservative spin doctors feeding the media, times are hard, we must all tighten our belts. All, that is, except MP's who are set to receive a £1000 pay rise.
So what can we expect them to take away?
Bin collections will be a thing of the past. "Take your own rubbish" to council rubbish centres, schemes, pay £5 per visit and go to jail if you try to pass off recyclable waste as genuine rubbish.
Water will be cut off to all homes and householders must buy 200 gallon water butts at £100 a time from utility companies who will levy a further yearly charge of £300 from UK passport holders to compensate for loss of revenue.
Passports will be used only once and a new passport will be required for each additional trip.
Government offices such as the DVLA will levy a £10 administration fee on every application for a Driving Licence, new, renewal or replacement in addition to current charges.
All vegetables and fruit will be reclassified as luxury items and VAT of 30% will be levied on each vegetable and piece of fruit sold. In addition the growing of fruit trees will be prohibited and allotment holders will incur a £500 fee per annum for the privilege of growing their own. Allotments left barren will be offered at private auction and the allotment holder fined £1000 for misuse of scarce resources.
Internet users will face a charge of £1 pay per visit to any site. Discounts will be available to students, young people and persons over the age of 90. The government is reported as denying discriminatory practises.
All MP's and Lords will be exempt from all these charges. A government spokesman said, "we cannot expect our members sitting in the Commons or Lords to pay these additional away from home charges, although we will increase their allowances by £5000 per annum to compensate them for the fall in value of their shares portfolios."
"We cannot rule out further austerity measures. matters such as owning more than 10 shirts, 5 pairs of shoes or even more than one car will be considered."
"It's hard to take but people must pull their belts in. Belts will be VAT exempt but owning a leather belt will result in a Community Service period of 1 year, probably sweeping the streets!"
