Local man Martin Shuttlecock was this morning relaxing in bed with a nice cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits following a heart stopping visit to his local all-night supermarket, accompanied by long suffering wife, Anne.
Shuttlecock, not usually an avid shopper, agreed to the late shopping expedition in order to placate Anne, who had returned home earlier in the day in a foul mood after an incident involving faulty stickers at work.
Following a two hour nap, Anne got up and applied what Martin jokingly refers to as her 'warpaint' while he had a shave and the expedition finally got under way at ten pm.
The drive to the supermarket passed off without incident; the car was successfully parked, and entry gained into the supermarket, which is where the nightmare began.
As Shuttlecock and spouse entered the store, he was horrified to hear Girls Aloud featuring Cheryl Cole 'singing' some nonsense about a promise. Played overly loud for his liking.
Following a brief incidence of involuntary muscle spasming, Anne lured Shuttlecock into the store, and up an escalator to a newly constructed mezzanine level.
Where horror number two struck without warning.
A cafeteria - closed, chairs on tables, shutters down, no drinks, no food. Horror of horrors. Had Shuttlecock weak at the knees holding a handrail for support.
A quick look around the mezzanine revealed a range of crap clothing, some pots and pans, bedding, and some horrible vases.
Desperate to escape, Shuttlecock urged Anne back down the escalator into the store proper. Where a small army of store workers were busily restocking shelves, tossing packaging all over the shop and generally getting in the way.
Shuttlecock experienced a temporary lift in spirits as he discovered a book section. Then sank again at the limited range on offer. A handful were eventually selected, but not ideal.
Then horror number three struck - massed images of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in the DVD/Blu Ray section. Shuttlecock clutched his head, trying to prevent it from exploding.
Not Twilight...not tonight...
Purchases were made without further incident and the beer aisle bypassed, before horror number four - checkout chavs.
A mob of drunken teens, 15 to 20 strong, including one about seven feet tall wearing a big hat with ear flaps. So ugly that he could make a living scaring aliens. The stench of stale beer on their breaths.
An older guy who appeared to know the youths, hovering. Shuttlecock later admitted that if things had kicked off he'd have gone for the older gobshite first.
Outside on the car park a police car drew up, and order which had never really broken down in the first place was restored.
Arriving safely home, Martin Shuttlecock put the kettle on and announced:
"I won't be doing that again in a hurry."
More as we get it.
