Redecorating? Here are 10 tips to ensure your new look is even better than your old one.
Ten ways to ensure your 'new look' is even better than your old one: 1. Throw garbage out before flies start to lay eggs in it and before stink gets too bad. 2. Don't invite ugly family members to your soirees. 3. Only use plastic cutlery and paper plates for family 'get togethers' NEVER when entertaining real friends. 4. Pick up dog crap from inside and outside on a re...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart and the Munster Mystery
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, met in London today to celebrate Kristen's twentieth birthday but reports suggest that there were problems when they first met up. Kristen has been grilling Robert about reports that he has been seeing Leigh...
Read full storyLarry King May Wed Ex-Wife's Sister
CNN's Larry King plans to marry the sister of the wife he's divorcing, my extremely unreliable sources indicate. Larry's 7th wife, 50-year-old Shawn Southwick, has accused the 76-year-old stooped-over suspender-wearing softball TV interviewer o...
Read full storyPope shoots back
Rome Italy - Faithful onlookers where shocked today when Pope Benedict fired two anti aircraft missiles from his "Pope mobile" today at would be assassins. Apparently the Pope was tipped off from insiders of the exact location of the assailants w...
Read full storyAIP Exclusive: Obama Declares South Carolina a Disaster Area
Associated Idiots Press: President Obama has just completed a three day fact finding mission in South Carolina. After extensive interviews and meetings with a wide cross section of South Carolina's residents, he has declared South Carolina a National...
Read full storyVatican hires PR genius Max Cliffhanger
Holy C - (Papal Bull****): The legendary PR guru is being offered 'a major cut of the Sunday collection plate' to turn around the tarnished Vatican plc brand. Paedo sleaze, blatant cover-ups and the threat of arrest by hotshot lawyers acting for i...
Read full storyKaczynski burial plans cause upheaval in Poland
Church plans to bury Lech Kaczynkski in Wawel Castle in Kraków, a site normally retained for Polish kings, have upset many Poles. BBC News - Kaczynski burial plan causes split Church leaders have chosen a burial site for Mr Kaczynski in the Wa...
Read full storyWhitney Houston impersonator arrested on stage in Birmingham
West Midland's police arrested a 46 year old woman after she got up on stage pretending to be Whitney Houston at Birmingham's LG Arena. The as yet named woman fooled the audience for a few minutes as she walked on stage to a standing ovation. Howe...
Read full storyApple to launch new and improved iPad
Apple admits some iPad users may be having trouble with their iPads as first-generation users have complained about restart problems. To correct this Apple is releasing a newer, upgraded, more reliable version of the iPad - called iPad with wings.
Read full storyDavid Cameron moving to a new country
"Come with us and build a better country", said David Cameron. He apparently invited every citizen of Britain to join him. God knows where he is planning to take them all. Mind you, there are lots of uninhabited places on earth where he could tak...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens On Chilling Out With Zac Efron
Life can be pretty hard in the fast lane when you're young and successful like High School Musical Stars Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. All manner of traps and pitfalls await the unwary, but thanks to Zac, Vanessa has discovered a foolproof way to re...
Read full storyWhitney Houston Croaks
Zoo officials were called to the concert hall in the U.K. where Whitney Houston was performing a concert last night. It's the first concert she's performed in the U.K. in 11 years. Someone had dialled 999 when they were passing the concert hall...
Read full storyGet a life Ringo tells the Pope
London - (Robber Soul): "He's a real nowhere man!" Ringo Starr commented today after being told the Pope had un-excommunicated The Beatles, denounced by a prececessor as agents of satan. "He's as blind as he can be, Just sees what he wants to s...
Read full storyThe One Show - Adrian Chiles And Christine Bleakley Go AWOL?
Viewers tuning in to The One Show on BBC One last night were horrified to discover that the programme's iconic presenters Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley were nowhere to be seen. They had been inexplicably replaced by Chris Hollins and Louise...
Read full storyAchtung! a non-election sensation: TV is bad for children!
This sensational piece of scientific evidence has just been released and is traumatising parents already, especially in the UK and US. TV is bad for children, it has been confirmed and parents who push the button on a 7.00AM and turn it off at 00.
Read full storyJustin Bieber Wants Megan Fox - No Comment From Robert Pattinson
We're getting reports that Justin Bieber wants Megan Fox. Which is probably true, as most other guys do, but when we looked at the small print we realised that what was actually being said was that Justin Bieber wants Megan Fox (the hottie out of Tra...
Read full storyBNP counts on immigrant/coloured voters for final push into parliament!
Nick Griffin after being forced to allow non-white Brits to join the BNP has been overwhelmed by the amount of Singh's, and Mohammed's plus some black-Smiths wishing to support his cause. In fact this surprising turn of events has already given Ni...
Read full storyCameron "Best Head We Ever Had" Say Old Etonians
David Cameron may be on the eve of his greatest triumph or worst disaster, but come what may there is no doubt in the minds of his former schoolmates that he was the best Head Boy they ever had. Lord Scopolamine of Bahookie recalls the Tory hopef...
Read full storyIs Robert Pattinson The New Tiger Woods? Leighton Meester Followed By Megan Fox?
Quite frankly, here at Skoob news we're getting a little dizzy as we try to keep track of all the incoming fire regarding Robert Pattinson's love life. The Kristen Stewart stuff was all common knowledge, and we honestly thought we'd brought the ho...
Read full storyOsama bin Laden Set to Testify at Gitmo Trial
In a stunning revelation Attorney General Eric Holder announced that President Obama has granted immunity to Osama bin Laden in the upcoming trial of Gitmo detainee Trashma bin Killah. Killah is known as one of the masterminds of the 911 attacks...
Read full storyHere Comes The Crazy: A Step By Step Guide To Dealing With Insanity
Before we get started, first we need solidify the source of the belief that you're insane. Did some one tell you? If so, then they're probably wrong cause they're idiots. Chances are you're crazy when you start hallucinating and/or have killed someone. But it's not the end of the world. You don't have to start making unneeded sacrifices just because you ended up in a psych ward over a tiny little...
Read full storyDavid Copperfield comes clean on Global Warming
Renowned magician David Copperfield has come clean today and admitted that so called "Global warming" was the biggest hoax he's pulled off yet. When asked how he did it he declined to answer. When asked why he did it he simply said he needed t...
Read full storySpoof writers relocate to Scottish village as it gets super highspeed broadband
Under a scheme to transform the village of Auchenshoogle Tattiebogle in very rural Aberdeenshire, Scotland, the Scottish Government has made a grant of £2 million to improve communications with the outside world. The lure of highspeed broadband, c...
Read full storyNo Sex Please I'm Gaga
Although fans and friends alike remain extremely skeptical as to whether Lady Gaga was being serious or not, the eccentric singer with the telephone shaped hat and the two pairs of pouty lips has come right out and said that she's celibate right now.
Read full storyPadded bikini for girls withdrawn
A clothing chain has withdrawn the sale of its range of padded bikini tops for girls as young as seven following criticism. The company apologised to perverts everywhere for "causing undue excitement" and said it would donate profits to a local sp...
Read full storySteven Seagal Sued for One Million Lollipops by Former Sex Slave
Action hero and self proclaimed sex symbol Steven Seagal is being sued for breach of contract by his former very personal assistant Liotta Licki. The former child porn star declares Seagal lured her out of the slums of Vietnam and made contractua...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Signs Megabucks Deal To Host TV Talk Show
Miley Cyrus was one happy little bunny today in Hollywood after putting pen to paper in a megabucks deal with PPVTV outfit TBTV* to present her very own TV talk show. Miley's people regard the deal as the first of many great steps forward in her c...
Read full storyGordon Brown to breast feed son during TV debates
Labour party spin doctors have announced what might prove to be a highly controversial tactic in an attempt to show Gordon Brown in a family friendly light and which will, they hope, counteract the widely held perception he is an ill-mannered grumpy...
Read full storyFlying bishop tipped to officiate at Kaczynski funeral
Krakow - (Pieski-in-the-Skyski): One of the C of E's provincial episcopal visitors - or flying bishops as they are known in the trade - is set to officiate at Saturday's funeral of Polish President Lech Kaczynski and his wife Maria. The full-bling...
Read full storyConservative Party's Playlist is Busted
Rotterdam- The former hyper-pop-rock-teenager band Busted have followed Keane in attacking the Conservative Party over their choice of songs. British band Keane recently stated they would not vote for the Conservative Party in the coming UK elect...
Read full storyIf David Cameron Can't Manage His Water Bill, What Chance The Economy?
As David Cameron preaches about running the country and the economy sensibly, and on budget, we've just learned that he's so far behind on his water bills that the water company H2O are considering court action against him, with a view to sending the...
Read full storyBatman rushes back to Gotham City as Robin arrested for Murder
The Caped Crusader, alias Batman, has rushed back to Gotham City, after getting a message that Robin, had been arrested for murder. It turned out however that some JOKER had given Batman, the wrong information as the Robin, who was arrested was Robi...
Read full storySusan Boyle Tells Whitney Houston 'I Will Always Love You' As She Offers To Help Out On Ailing Tour
Following a show at the LG Arena in Birmingham, after which Whitney Houston was roundly criticised for not being as good as she used to be, and for failing miserably to hit the high notes, an offer of help has come in from an unlikely source. A fr...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Hotly Deny Fried Chicken Allegations
A clearly agitated Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart today faced the press at Planet Hollywood in Hollywood in order to hotly - nay, furiously - deny a news story which broke today alleging that the first thing they do when they're on location is...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Cheating On Kristen Stewart Already With Leighton Meester?
While other News Agencies struggle to keep pace with the latest developments in the ongoing Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart saga, here at Skoob News we'll give you all the inside dope as we get it. That is 'dope' as in information, not 'dope' as...
Read full storyCorrie's Cleaver Causes Cops Chaos
Coronation Street's Sue Cleaver has been banned from driving for 17 minutes after she was caught nearly ten times over the legal drink-drive limit. The 46-year-old, who plays flight controller, Eileen Grimshaw in the soap, was stopped in Northende...
Read full storySupergran challenges the Power
Supergran alias great-grandmother, Georgina Anderson plays darts for her local team at ninety years of age, and helps them soar up the league tables in Aberdeen. The Supergran, has now challenged World Darts Champion Phil The Power Taylor, to a da...
Read full storyPolice Need Your Help
In the nation's capital, Washington DC, as in other urban death zones like Detroit and Chicago, police are at war with guns. In D-C alone, there are gun murders everyday but, there has been a recent rash of shootings that have cops focused on one rea...
Read full storyA £400,000 spoon full of sugar
Sir Alan Sugar the guy who failed in business many times before he made it big, has donated £400,000 to the Labour Party who fixed it for him to become Lord Sugar,how sweet. Anybody who has ever watched that programme the Apprentice, should be awa...
Read full storyNew Tory Scheme For Teenage Workers
The Conservatives have put forth a proposal to solve the problems many small businesses face when employing 'young adults', or teenagers as we used to call them. Many employers face huge financial losses when lazy, disinterested and bored young st...
Read full storyLeader of the Conservative Party David Cameron crowned new Emperor of the Temple of Nothing
David Cameron has been crowned the New "Emperor of the Temple of Nothing". He won his crown by spectacularly unveiling his policies at the Battersea Power Station on Tuesday. In his policies he declared he wanted to do Nothing for the people of Bri...
Read full storyGordon Brown and the case of mistaken identity
Gordon Brown was reportedly seen with tears in his good eye when the press accidentally found out that he was originally christened Brenda. "Daddy wasn't quite sure what I was because he hadn't been to Specsavers and mother was under the weather...
Read full storyDivine Intervention needed right here, right now
Jim Devine and two other Labour MPs, David Cheater, and Elliot Morley, who are to get Legal Aid to fight the criminal case against them for fiddling their expenses. It is absolutely astonishing that thousands of pounds of tax payers money is going...
Read full storyVillage launches DIY broadband
A UK village which raised £37,000 to offer 200 homes the super-fast connectivity that BT could not deliver, has launched its network. Spudland Telecom will offer the residents of Flyddington speeds of up to 2 carrier pigeons per hour. Other teleco...
Read full storyNew Reality TV Series To Be A Hit
Twenty-eight non-celebrities. 28 days and nights. A phone vote every second day with a 'Y' in it. Sound familiar? Well, sort of, but this time there's a twist. A new show has decided to not only break the mould of 'celebreality TV' but smash it to...
Read full storyAspirin sales set to soar as Election Headaches rise
Aspirin sales are set to soar due to the amount of headaches, caused by people listening to constant Labour -Tory brainwashing shit on all mainstream media. A recent study has shown that despite those medical people that keep pushing that poisonou...
Read full storyJustice: Pikey Camp Tarmaced By Local Council
There was uproar in south west England this week when a local travellers camp was mysteriously tarmaced by passing council workers. The pikey camp was at ease in the early hours of Monday morning when the council struck. The team of eight workers...
Read full storyVatican: Paedophiles are gays
Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican's foreign minister, has come under criticism for remarks he made linking homosexuality with paedophilia. BBC News - Vatican comment on paedophiles draws gay groups anger. "During our investigations we discove...
Read full storyVatican comment draws gay anger
Gay rights activists have criticised a Vatican official who sought to link homosexuality to paedophilia when commenting on child sex abuse scandals. Camp campaigners, Stonewall, announced that thousands of homosexuals were descending on the Vatica...
Read full storyStranger Than Truth: Dogie Down on the Steakhouse Floor
'As close to the hoof as you can get without being kicked in the head.' is the motto of Dad's Chuckwagon Steakhouse out on Old Cowpoke Trail in Toecheese, Texas. And after spending the day watching this place in action, we found it to be an appropriate one, too. The host for our visit, at least initially, was Hoke Clemmons Junior, son of business owner, Hoke Senior - a man most just call 'the b...
Read full storySex crazed congress legalizes prostitution
In an unprecedented move the US Congress passed a uniform bicameral law that is waiting for President Obamas' signature. House Bill 14288 and Senate Bill 2 match each other in verbiage, as the respective bodies want this legislation passed pronto.
Read full storyUN Survey
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn'...
Read full storyClowns break into Larry King's house
Larry King host of "Larry King Live" was the victim of a home invasion from a pair of unemployed Ringing Brothers circus clowns last night. Oddly enough the clowns did not take any money or jewelry just Mr. Kings incredibly fruity collection of s...
Read full storyNBA: Normal names record set
Mahmainman Taft, LaJesus Johnson, and Jadave Rightious combined for 102 points to help the Nogales Border Guards win game one of the NBA Pacific South Western Conference play-offs. The lead changed twelve times in the 3rd quarter until Rigatonni...
Read full storyElderly Man Reports Fred West To The Police
Gloucester Police were gobsmacked yesterday when an irate elderly man walked into the police station and reported Fred West to them, demanding his arrest. The elderly man said that he was sick and tired of waiting for West to come and install a pa...
Read full storyThe One Show - Chris Evans Takes Fridays, Despite Adrian Chiles Beard Protest
Sources inform me today that The One Show presenter Adrian Chiles is absolutely gutted that the Friday edition of the show is to be taken over by ex-ginger Chris Evans. Although Chiles refuses to confirm or deny that his so-called beard protest ea...
Read full storyCameron Manifesto In Three Words - I Give Up
David Cameron launched the Conservative Party election manifesto yesterday at Battersea Power Station, and pretty much confirmed what millions of voters have been suspecting for months. If he gets elected, he won't have a clue what to do, so he'll...
Read full storyDr. Zaius becomes Sarah Palin's Scientific Adviser and Chief Defender of the Faith for Tea Party
Sarah Palin and her fellow Teabaggers want to take America back to the way it used to be. But having lost out in a straw poll to both Mitt Romney and Ron Paul - she and her rudderless Teabaggers are finding out that while it's easy to Just say no to...
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