David Cameron may be on the eve of his greatest triumph or worst disaster, but come what may there is no doubt in the minds of his former schoolmates that he was the best Head Boy they ever had.
Lord Scopolamine of Bahookie recalls the Tory hopeful's schooldays in detail in his full and frank autobiography. "Even when he was twelve he was like a rod of iron. He never wavered or drooped. He had a firm grip on things and never let go until the job in hand was done. If it all went up in his face, he would simply wait a decent interval and try again. His tireless efforts wore us out. He certainly showed his spunk, even at that age."
As he grew older his trademark forthrightness became evident. "Everyone watched out when Cameron was aroused. The sight of his angry purple head would send boys scurrying to hide. I remember our House Master, Baiter, got on the wrong side of him, and David broke his Old Etonian ring in two. Baiter was livid. He took Cameron up the back passage and gave him such a thrashing David couldn't sit for a week."
In another chapter, he says, "(Cameron's) oral skills were legendary, even then. The debating club loved to have him lend his slick tongue in their stiffest back-and-forth sessions. It was during these oral sessions that it was clear Cameron was destined to be Head Boy."
Unfortunately, recalls Lord Scopolamine, Cameron's schooldays were marred by his being frequently buggered by Masters, Boys and Janitorial Staff alike.
Cameron's attempt to gag Lord Scopolamine remains in legal limbo. The Right Wing bastard was unavailable for comment, but a source at Tory Headquarters told us to "Behave."