Police Need Your Help

Written by Frank Michaels

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

image for Police Need Your Help
Have you seen this gun?

In the nation's capital, Washington DC, as in other urban death zones like Detroit and Chicago, police are at war with guns. In D-C alone, there are gun murders everyday but, there has been a recent rash of shootings that have cops focused on one really mean gun.

District Community Safety Director, Tequila Grant, offers her observations, "We are, at this very minute, working with various outreach organizations to find and apprehend one particularly dangerous weapon. If we're lucky, we'll have it off the street before someone else gets hurt."

Officer Jackson Cooper of the D.C.PD picks up on this story, "There are millions of guns on the street and all of them are killers. But this one we want really bad. We believe it was behind a shooting at a convenience store in which several people were killed."

Officer Cooper then passed out the wanted fliers (see picture above).

It is an otherwise handsome, polished steel .357 Mag w/half barrel and quick-change cylinder. But, don't let looks fool you, says Cooper. "That is one bad boy. There's nothing good about this one. It killed three people and injured two before disappearing."

"We did eventually catch up with the trigger-man and he was sent to the crime lab for examination before being released. But it's that .357 we really want off the streets."

So, have we finally reached a point where we have determined that these kinds of crimes are not the fault of a person, but of an inanimate object? Tequila Grant had this to say on that subject, "I do think we have reached that point where we have admitted to ourselves that we are incapable of addressing crime on a human level. We don't have the moral fortitude or the political will to get down into the mechanism of crime and make needed corrections."

But what about the person who commits a crime? Do we simply ignore them and blame something else? Ms. Grant offers more on this issue, "We found that by holding people responsible for their own behavior, all we were doing was creating a backlog of court cases and filling our prisons. This was extremely expensive and didn't bring in votes on Election Day."

"Besides that, so much of the crime statistics themselves tend to support certain unpopular theories that run roughshod against the grain of popular culture and beliefs. The politically expedient thing was to simply blame the guns."

With that, and on behalf of the D.C.PD, we are asking all our readers to be on the look out for an older .357 mag, polished steel complexion, short nose, pronounced hammer and a black plastic or composite grip.

If you have any information about this fugitive gun, please contact your local police. You are advised not to attempt direct contact or capture. This gun is considered alive and dangerous.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more