Jedward Are Really Vampires, Claims Sheffield Woman
X-Factor twins, John and Edward Grimes, aka 'Jedward' aren't really twins at all, and they don't come from Dublin, Ireland. They are in fact vampires from Rumania, from the Transylvania region, who were picked up by pop promoter Louis Walsh in Buc...
Read full storySherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the American President
As Sherlock Holmes walked into Mrs. McCavalry's All-Day Breakfast Rooms, he spotted his colleague Dr. Watson at the back of that cafe ordering his third plate of bacon and eggs. 'Ah, there you are', the sleuth said to that doctor, and indeed he was, 'I thought I'd find you here.' 'Have a slice of toast, Holmes, deuced delicious stuff, this.' 'No thank you, Watson, I'm on a diet.' 'What! You...
Read full storyShe's not the Queen, she's Lily Langtry's granddaughter
London - (Blackshirts): Archivists and the Pubic Records Orifice have stumbled on a bombshell. A routine rummage in Hellfire Club classified files has unearthed a stinker. The woman who has been impersonating Queen Elizabeth II is really called...
Read full storyJennifer Lopez on dangerous women
Jennifer Lopez spoke at a student conference at Harvard University to voice her concerns that some women in society are extremely dangerous because they are controlled by their DNA. She argues that women that are twenty-five years and older have...
Read full storyTiger not out of the woods just yet
Florida - (Fore! Play!): Fourteen times world golf champion Tiger Woods was said to be feeling below par today amid reports that his wife 'went out clubbing' on the night of the fire hydrant incident. Blonde Elin Nordegren, 29, has denied kinky fo...
Read full storyChelsea Clinton books 'Five Sluttiest Wedding Dresses' designer
New York - (Reuterus): Bridal gown designers Boobski & Trollope are said to be inundated with orders following confirmation of the Chelsea Clinton/Mark Lewinsky nuptial order for next June. The Russian couturiers hit headlines last week after...
Read full storyChelsea Clinton to marry Marc Lewinsky
New York - (PreNup): Chelsea Clinton has become engaged to Monica Lewinsky's ex-huband Marc. Speaking to reporters today Chelsea, 29, said there were 'no hard-on feelings' between her Pa and any members of the Lewinsky family. The lucky couple...
Read full storyMeanderings From Billy Bob Thorton's Brother, Duncan Bob
What's with all these people who want to give you a photograph of their kid, or their grand kid? Like they might mean something to me? I can understand my own close family, that is the nephews and the nieces but you go to one family function in 20 years and you come home with your pockets stuffed with photographs of kids and you haven't the slightest idea who they are. I put every one of the...
Read full storyGeoff Boycott In Four-Lettered Rant
(Defecated News) - Following the 69 year old Yorkshireman's rant on radio, where he was overheard saying 'fucking tosser', more recording have been leaked online. The former England cricketer, and founder of the National Association of Lesbian Far...
Read full storyPuppies & Kittens To Stay That Way All Their Lives
As a side effect of recent studies on how to keep human beings from aging, scientists in the United States and Britain say they have the ability right now to prevent kittens from becoming cats and puppies from becoming full-grown dogs. "Oh they wi...
Read full storyReality Shows Drastically Change Real Reality
Reality shows have created a new artificial reality that threatens to overtake real reality. Television execs have inadvertently created a monster and loosed it upon the public. All reality shows make an artificial situation and throw people i...
Read full storyFiance Of Chelsea Clinton Announces He Only Did It For the Dowry
Marc Mezvinsky, newly announced fiance of Chelsea Clinton, confirmed rumors today that he is only marrying her for the dowry. Chelsea, the daughter of former United States President Bill Clinton and current Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, is 29 y...
Read full storyTiger Woods Back At Hospital
Just three days from his accident when he was released with "minor" injuries -cut lip, scratches on his face, etc -Tiger Woods is back in the hospital for a "check-up". "He's not out of the Woods yet", joked one doctor, for what must have been the...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Wins 2009 Mime Award
(Defecated News) She's loved by all in the UK. The ladies would love to be like her, and the gentlemen would love to come inside her. But it would appear also, that out little geordie treasure is loved internationally. Following he spectacular eff...
Read full storyO' Halloran - Murder with a Capital Punishment - Part 5
Previous Chapters: Part 1|Part 2|Part 3||Part 4| Part 5 Later, O' Halloran sits curled up on the steps of an ambulance, a reflective sheet draped across his shoulders. He nurses a cup of strong coffee. Who knew a man could breast-feed a cup of coffee? "You ok, O' Halloran?", asks the Lieutenant. O' Halloran looks up, his face drenched in misery. He always was a bit of a miserable...
Read full storyWorld Health Organization Recommends Men Learn to Do Self Breast Exams on Man Boobs
The World Health Organization has issued a press release recommending that men with man boobs follow the lead of their wives, mothers, and daughters in learning how to perform self breast examinations. The rising incidence of breast cancer in men an...
Read full storyDick Cheney Says That He Has Bigger Man Boobs Than Joe Biden
Former United States Vice President Dick Cheney said in an exclusive interview yesterday that he has larger man boobs than the current Vice President (Joe Biden). Cheney admitted to being upset over all of the attention being paid to the Vice Presid...
Read full storyJoe Biden Gets Mammogram For Man Boobs
United States Vice President Joe Biden completed his annual physical over the weekend at Walter Reed. In addition to the usual procedures and prostate exam, he also requested that the doctors and medical technicians perform a mammogram on his man bo...
Read full storyTactical Nuclear Penguin - Reviewed by The Magnificent Eight
Your intrepid reporter Roy Turse here, reporting from a party on the fringes of St. Albans in the UK's Home Counties. I'm here to report on a phenomenon hitting this part of the world like a comet - if a comet was to hit the world in St. Albans and was made of beer! Tactical Nuclear Penguin is the unlikely name for a new super-strong beer from the controversial Scottish brewery BrewDog. It is...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson In Row With Sam Uley On Set Of Twilight
No one has been talking about it to the press but a row on the set of Twilight resulted in one group pulling for Robert Pattinson and another for Sam Uley, one of the werewolves! The row was in the exercise room. One day Robinson would have the re...
Read full storyJoe Biden Admits His Man Boobs Are Implants
United States Vice President Joe Biden admitted on Monday that his man boobs are actually breast implants. Biden said that the surgery was done last year by a Boston plastic surgeon before his abortive run for the Presidency. Said Biden, "The i...
Read full storySwiss reject Minarets but allow Muslims sculptors to design their mountain peaks as Minarets towers!
The shock news that the Swiss have rejected the building of new Muslim Minarets has shocked the world and hypocritical world leaders are aiming to protest. The Swiss have rejected all claims that they are becoming an extreme-right state and the re...
Read full storyHundreds Of Young Israelis Abandon Country And Religion To Make A Special Christmas Pilgrimage To US
Around this time each year, hundreds of young Israelis forsake their homeland and religion to go on a pilgrimage to the new Zion- the U.S.A. They come to celebrate the birth of Christ in their own fashion. They can be seen religiously offering a...
Read full storyHouses of parliament the cause of recent floods
Following the recent flooding in the Uk in areas such as cockermouth. a team of leading meteorological scientists have released a report that says: "Global warming is the cause of these storms. and the houses of parliament are the cause of global...
Read full storyCheryl Cole a 'Minging Munter'
(Defecated News) We love to hate them, but paparazzi give the showbiz world the exposure they deserve. From 'up-skirt shots' of Brittney Spears to killing Princess Diana - they have served the community honourably. However, their recent photos of...
Read full story10 Ways To Really Piss Your Wife Off When You're Drunk As A Skunk
1 - When you're properly nutted, tell her about the girl that you were really in love with when you were 19. Tell her about how fate tore your burgeoning relationship asunder before it ever really got going. Tell her you'll always have a special place in your heart for that girl. 2 - Watch a really violent, semi-pornographic movie on the TV with the sound cranked right up. Tell her you're only...
Read full storyAdam Lambert In Fight
Adam Lambert had quite a week last week according to his friend, Jon Lassiter. Only as a joke, Adam Lambert -while sitting by his friend, Jon, at a New York City out of the way restaurant -made a funny crack at the two smashed guys near them and h...
Read full storyKate Moss fashion slogan to be printed on dress labels
Fashion icon Kate Moss's new slogan is to be printed on the label of a line of dresses inspired by her look - as an instructions manual to show young teenie girls how to fit into them. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" shall be a godsend to...
Read full storyHull City Manager Phil Brown Is Manager Of The Month!
They said it would never happen, but now it has, and Hull City fans are basking in the glory of their manager Phil Brown, who was today named as the Barclays Manager of the Month for November. The accolade comes on the back of two great recent win...
Read full storyX-Factor's Lloyd Daniels Gets The Dancing Boot
LONDON - The latest victim in the X-Factor saga is 16-year-old Lloyd Daniels. The young lad was told by Louis Walsh to pack his bags and head on back home to Wales. Cheryl Cole told Walsh that he did not have to be such a 'shithead' about it. L...
Read full storyFeminine care company to sponsor "Teabagger Movement" name change forthcoming
"Now we'll get the respect we really deserve", states head bagger Dick Armey. For months this rag-tag org. has criss-crossed the country bringing their brand of fair and balanced public debate to town hall meetings. "With this sponsorship from...
Read full storySimon Cowell Admits That Yes He Shaves His Hands
LONDON - X-Factor judge Simon Cowell was asked point blank by me if he shaves his hands. At first Cowell quickly stuck his hands in his pants pockets but when informed by a reporter for The Manchester Morning Manc that he had 17 photos showing his...
Read full storyAliens Suspect Al Gore in Atlantis Disaster
ROSWELL, NM - Ancient legends portray Atlantis as a continent with an advanced civilization with wonders and technology that surpass the wildest imagination of the 20th century. The mysteries of Atlantis are often associated with mysteries such as th...
Read full storyPresident Obama Invites The White House Party Crashers To A White House Beer Summit
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama trying to put a lid on the embarrassing "Party Crashers Gate" incident has invited the 'culprits' Tareg and Michaele Salahi to attend a White House "Beer Summit." The president has called the "BS" at the insisten...
Read full storyParis Hilton got fisted by King Kong
In a celebrity interview Paris Hilton tells that she was fisted by King Kong during the filming of her latest movie. The movie Paris is filming is called, "King Kong does Dallas". It is a remake of the old King Kong movies but with a twist. The...
Read full storyReese Witherspoon argued with her lover
Reese Witherspoon said she had diarrhea while eating at a lesbian restaurant. Reese Witherspoon and her sub-human lesbian lover Jenny Shimizu were out dinning at their favorite restaurant when Shimizu made her take a crap. They were eating fis...
Read full storyLiberals Screw Themselves Royally
Land of Oz: Republican laughter was heard throughout the castle in the evening, after the great house Democratic liberals screwed themselves royally by passing a scarlet tinged health bill. Empress Pelosi thought she was so politically astute at p...
Read full storyThe Streets Of Bordello Falls - Part 15
"Make a move man," the man in the red shirt with a big number 7 on the back challenged. "Come on! Do it!" The gunslinger from the far north (Springfield Illinois) and the gunslinger from the west (San Francisco) exchanged glances. They figured that between them, they could take the guy with the turned up collar. "You wanna forget this bro," the man from the north said. The man from the no...
Read full storyBordello Falls - Episode Whatever - Back To The Past
"What the hell and tarnation is going on here?" the Railroad Tycoon known as Morse spluttered. He didn't realise that you can't eat tiger prawns and talk at the same time. Hence the spluttering. "I dunno," Rich Landowner Nick Funson replied. "And to be honest with you, I don't really care." Outside, the sun baked the boardwalk sidewalks. It was so hot that even the bugs couldn't be arsed.
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