Simon Cowell Admits That Yes He Shaves His Hands

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 30 November 2009

image for Simon Cowell Admits That Yes He Shaves His Hands
Simon Cowell's hair stylist Joy Chutney (L) and pedicurist Elaine St. Yopney (R).

LONDON - X-Factor judge Simon Cowell was asked point blank by me if he shaves his hands.

At first Cowell quickly stuck his hands in his pants pockets but when informed by a reporter for The Manchester Morning Manc that he had 17 photos showing his clean shaven hands he admitted that he did in fact shave both of his hands.

Cowell said that he had to shave his hands on doctor's orders. He said that during his recent zebra hunting trip to Kenya he came down with a bad case of the 'vine flu.'

He went on to say that it caused his metabolism to get knocked all out of kilter. It also caused his crotch region to burn as if he had poured a bottle of Tabasco sauce in his shorts.

Cowell, who wears a haircut that was very popular back in the 50s said that the 'vine flu' caused a third degree rash to form on his elbows, his knees, and his hands.

His personal physician, Dr. Norvin P. Puffinshire told him that if he did not shave his elbows, knees, and hands, the rash could develop into a case of second degree nova rashamintisfip.

The doctor added that this could then turn into first degree humpahumpatwit, which can then lead to a hormone reversal which would then cause Simon to start acting like either Elton John or Richard Simmons, and in some rare cases both.

Cowell did not give it a second thought, since the last thing that he wants to do is to start acting like Elton and Richard.

I also asked Cowell if he shaves his legs. He replied that he did not. I then asked him if he shaved his underarms and again his answer was no.

When I asked if he shaved his groin area he replied that it was really no ones business. I would take that as a yes.

Cowell then stood up. He lowered his pants. He lowered his boxer shorts and showed this reporter that he most certainly did not shave his groin region.

In unrelated news. Ellen DeGeneres says that she wants congress to establish January 26, her birthday, as National Hug A Lesbian Day.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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