Gerard signs for Barcelona
Gerard signs for BarcelonaSteven Gerard, the Liverpool Captain, has joined Spanish giants for a fee believed to be over £100million The midfield dynamo was left out of the Champions League quarter final second leg at Chelsea tonight apparently to...
Read full storyLil' Kims' Big-Uns Dazzle "Dancing With The Stars" Judges
Lil' Kim let it all hang out during this week's dance competition, much to the delight of Dancing with the Stars Judge Bruno "Stiffy" Tonioli. But, unlike Janet Jackson's oozing nightmare at the Superbowl, Lil' Kim insisted it wasn't a "wardrobe mal...
Read full storyObama's Military Might on Display: US Navy Kills 3 Starving Somali Teens in Indian Ocean Showdown
Washington, DC. -- A defiant President Obama took an "I told you so" proud stance in claiming US military victory in the Indian Ocean. It took only 5 days for multiple large US Naval ships to overtake a tiny boat with 4 starving Somali youngsters...
Read full storyMary Hart's Smile Surgically Widened
The 58 year old Entertainment Tonight icon went under the knife this past weekend to surgically enhance the width of her now-famous, never flinching smile. Previously known for her stage-lit, crossed legs at the desk of the 1980's version of "ET", H...
Read full storyThe Somali Pirates Hijack A North Korean Icebreaker
THE INDIAN OCEAN - The Somali Pirates angry as the dickens after their loss to the United States Navy Seals have just announced that they have hijacked an icebreaker that is leased to the North Korean government. Kim Jong il, chairman of the North...
Read full storyMadonna attacks Brad Pitt for 'illegal adoption' of baby girl
Madonna Louise Ciccone has attacked Brad Pitt for adopting a child 'illegally' and sneaking the child out of her native country, hidden inside a large luggage bag. She said the man should never have visited an impoverished country with the sole in...
Read full storyNow that Sharia law has been passed by Pak National Assembly, Taliban demands that all politicians daughters return to Pakistan starting with Zardari's daughters.
TALIBANISTAN: Now that the Pakistan National Assembly has passed a resolution approving Sharia law in the Malakand district of the Swat Valley, Taliban leaders are demanding that all female children of Pak politicians living overseas return "home".
Read full storyVolcano Holds Alaska Hostage
A volcanic mountain island in southern Alaska has been blowing its top recently. Mount Redoubt in the Cook Inlet has been spewing hot fumes and smoke for weeks now, covering nearby areas and Anchorage with ash. It has severely disrupted life in A...
Read full storyLohan Says She's Looking For A Lover!
Lindsay Lohan is looking for a lover who does not mind her alleged alcoholism, bi-sexualism, being whipped with a paddle on the bare ass or licking her electronic monitoring bracelet and watching the sparks fly, or so the famously troubled Hollywood...
Read full storyGeorge Harrison Gets Star In Hollywood
Hundreds of fans and friends including Paul McCartney have turned out to see a posthumous star for George Harrison unveiled on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. "Looks like they could have given him a regular star", stated one fan. "I mean, why rub it i...
Read full storyHitman sent home early from Stamford Bridge!
Bransko Branskovich, mysterious Chelsea Director of Security, Discipline & Respect was tonight sensationally sent home early by owner Roman Abramovich. Bransko was last seen heading for the tube at Fulham Broadway with his violin case under hi...
Read full storyRafa Benitez sacrificed 4 wolves during Chelsea Match
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, notably missing from the large parts of the high scoring Champions League match against Chelsea, revealed the reasons for his behaivour after the match. It seems that Rafa has recently turned to the ancient Aztec tr...
Read full storyOrgasm for a woman
There Are At Least EIGHT Types of orgasm for a woman: 1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes.... 2 The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.... 3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No.... 4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.... 5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.... 6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.... 7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you.
Read full storyWoman On Commode Two Years, Back At It!
Back in Nest City, Kansas the woman who had sat on a commode in the bathroom for two years was back at it again. Nest County Sheriff Brian "Barstool" Whitaker said they got a telephone call from a different guy than last time and the man told the...
Read full storyCapt. Richard Phillips To Appear On "Dancing With The Stars"
HOLLYWOOD - The captain of The Maersk Alabama, Capt. Richard Phillips, who was held captive by the Somali Pirates has agreed to guest star on an upcoming episode of "Dancing With The Stars." DWTS host Tom Bergeron confirmed that the captain will b...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda take responsibility for assassination of celebrity cat
The terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda, has just claimed full responsibility for the assassination of "Toots" the cat owned by pop star Sandi Thom. The move is believed to be part of a larger scheme targeting the pets of celebrities led by the terror...
Read full storyThe U.S. Seals Shut Out The Somali Pirates
MOGADISHU, Somalia - The United States Navy Seals have crushed the Somali Pirates 3 to 0. The Pirates and the Seals were tied 0 to 0 going into the bottom of the ninth. And then suddenly the Seals exploded scoring three unanswered shots (runs).
Read full storyVin Diesel signs up for 18 more Fast and Furious movies
Hollywood hit a new high today as ex Nightclub Bouncer Vin "Vin Diesel" Diesel signed a contract guaranteeing his involvement with at least 18 further Fast and Furious films. In what is being heralded as as big as when George Lucas agreed to make...
Read full storyBarry And The Pirates: One man's Crusade Against The Scourge of The Sea!
Aboard the U.S. Destroyer Nancy Pelosi-A first hand account as told to this reporter by an unnamed eyewitness to one of the most daring sea rescues of all time: "A lone figure leaned over the prow of the ship, his cutlass clinched between his teeth, his arms spread wide open. "I'm king of the world!" he shouted. "Get me another cutlass!" . The proud ship cut through the water like a Ginsu knife...
Read full storyDamian McBride signs for "Fake News" Website
Infamous former advisor to the British Prime Minister, Damian McBride has allegedly signed a high paid contract with an unnamed fake news website. The credentials of Mr McBride are undeniable given his recent phenomenal work in "spoofing" members...
Read full storyNo laughs for Killing Joke
Killing Joke Frontman Jaz Coleman ordered the global music press for a press conference last week. The music press turned up with high expectancies regarding the release of yet another masterpiece and tour dates from the 5 x reincarnated band. They survived punk, new age, Joy Division, industrial metal, the Millenium (not the Robby crap Williams version by the way!) and now the worlds underground/...
Read full storyPanic Not Called For, But Never-The-Less, Expected
The Interior Ministry of Great Britain thought it prudent to reassure the country's citizens about the recent hug received by Her Majesty from the United States first lady, Michelle Obama, so this is to be published in all major United States and Bri...
Read full storyNapalm Rebrand As Hair Removal System Fails
In an attempt to dispose of stockpiles of Napalm trials were carried out in a hitherto unknown east European country to see if a rebrand as a hair removal system would be financially successful. Chief Physicist Professor Hugh Jarse carried out num...
Read full storyAmazon denies ban of gay and lesbian books
Amazon has denied banning gay and lesbian books from its searches and best-seller lists. The on-line retailer has issued a statement saying that the removal of these books, along with thousands of others designated as 'Adult' by Amazon, was a mistak...
Read full storyGordon Brown in Shock Tory Slur Revelation
Gordon Brown's future as leader of the Labour Party was thrown into to doubt following revelations that he is a prolific contributer to popular online newspaper The Spoof. Following the recent slur email scandal our source, Mr Ben Downing-Street,...
Read full storyMore to Bankok riots than meets the eye
After recently observing the Bangkok riots globally relayed by our favourite, happy-go-lucky news station, Aljazeera Int., certain camera angles and wide shots revealed there was more to the riots than at first thought. The general impression give...
Read full storyUrine-Spray Chemist Escapes Jail, Gets New Job
A chemist who contaminated food and wine in Gloucestershire supermarkets with his own urine and faeces has escaped prison today. Sahnoun Daifallah, 42, of Gloucester, was found guilty of four counts of contaminating goods at four businesses in May...
Read full storyLA Jury Convicts Phil Spector
LOS ANGELES -- Two trials involving one legendary music producer. The first jury couldn't reach a decision on their beloved celebrity because of lack of evidence, but the second found Phil Spector guilty of second-degree murder in the shooting of act...
Read full storyPM Seeks Therapy for Speech Impediment
Gordon Brown has enlisted the help of a therapist to aid him in overcoming a speech impediment, according to Downing Street sources. The PM has reportedly sought the help of Derek Draper, who was educated somewhere near Berkeley, to help resolve a...
Read full story97% of women find pregnancy 'fu*cking boring'
Despite technological advancements such as daytime TV, sympathy and large clothes, over 97% of women claim their pregnancies are 'fu*cking boring' and 'didn't generate as much attention as hoped', according to new research published this month. In...
Read full storyGordon Brown is a racist - claims hippy
A hippy who once danced at Woodstock, has labelled the British PM, Gordon Brown, a racist, after yesterday's free Easter egg give-away in Hyde Park for the Homeless and Hippies. Hippies look like homeless people but aren't actually without home, whi...
Read full storyGhosts 'aren't afraid of duvets' report shows
Thousands of people relying on the security of their bedclothes to prevent attacks by ghosts were today up in arms after discovering their duvets are 'little to no good at stopping anything'. Ian Piss, a renowned researcher in the field of bedding...
Read full storyAniston All Shook Up with New Boyfriend
Los Angeles, CA - Our entertainment correspondent has reported that Jennifer Aniston has been seen out and about town with her new man, Elvis Presley. 63 year old Presley died of heart failure in 1977 but was dug up from his sleeping grave in Memp...
Read full storyReality TV IRA threats to Big Brother
London - (Goody Friday Peace Agreement Mess): Notorious Anglo-Irish terror cult the Reality TV IRA has threatened to bomb to smithereens UK security listening posts such as GCHQ and RAF Menwith Balls. The dissident mobsters are planning to steal a...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens and Brenda Song fighting over Twilight role!
Teen queens, Vanessa Hudgens and Brenda Song are reportedly feuding because of the Leah Clearwater role in Twilight's highly anticipated follow-up, Eclipse. Brenda and Vanessa, both 20, reportedly want to play Leah Clearwater. The starlets have both...
Read full storySimon Cowell's Teeth Blind Cyclist
London - A cyclist has been admitted to hospital after receiving third degree burns around his eyeballs. The cyclist, who wishes to remain anonymous, was cycling through central London yesterday when he was startled by a noise behind him. He look...
Read full storyMargaret Thatcher, Edwina Curry, and John Major In Nude XXX Video Rumour Scandal
London UK - Rumours circulating here appear to hint, without any concrete evidence, that a pornographic sex video featuring ex-PMs Major and Thatcher, along with the egg woman, Edwina Curry actually exists. The video allegedly contains images of t...
Read full storySir David Attenborough gives his life to save the planet
Veteran programme maker, Sir David Attenborough has joined a new group that is dedicated to reducing the population of humans on this planet. He has become the patron of the Optimum Population Trust. He told In Seine News; "The rate of growth of...
Read full storyDemocracy Indicted for the Crucifixion
Democracy has been indicted for the Crucifixion crime at Golgotha, a spokesman for the International Court of Justice at The Hague said. The trial will begin this summer at the Peace Palace. The question "Jesus or Barabbas?" is well-known as the q...
Read full storySamantha Ronson To Star In The Donny And Marie Osmond Story
HOLLYWOOD - Now that she has dumped her girlfriend, Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson has just signed to star in the MGM movie, "The Donny and Marie Osmond Story." It was really not made clear if Samantha will be portraying Donny or Marie. One thing...
Read full storyFear Rules Waves of Britannians
Since Tony Blair and George Bush signed the Scare Em Stiff Anglo- American Treaty, most of the English and almost English peoples of the white world have fallen victim to the fear for your life foreign and domestic policies of the AAAA, the Anglo-Ame...
Read full storyCaptain S. Gerard Will Carry His Second Leg VS Chelsea
Liverpudlian Capitan Steven Gerard despite the loss of his left leg in a previous match has announced that he will carry said second leg into the face off with Chelsea. Gerard has received a special dispensation from the Pope of Geenwich Village...
Read full storyObama to Institute Stop Smoking Plan for Centenarians
President Barack Obama signed legislation today that will allocate $200 million to encourage people past the age of 100 to stop smoking. Obama explained that centenarians who smoke are damaging their own health and set a bad image for young people...
Read full storyHippolyta Betrays Amazon Authors
Hippolyta, the online bookstore that has crushed more real stores than eBid, has come under fire for its "family friendly" preferential option for the straight. Gay writers from Amazons to GLBTTQQ are accusing Hippolyta of playing up to the Christian...
Read full storyObama Was Sharpshooter Seal who Pierced Pirates
A heavily disguised Navy Seal sniper struck down three Somali pirates with one bullet. He then diove into the water and single handedly rescued the US Captain and arrested the one surviving bucaneer. Witnesses were frozen in amazement as the hero...
Read full storyUsing "Spoof Card", Obama made call to Somali Pirates moments before fatal shots fired
Somali, Africa - Just moments before the fatal shot was taken Navy Seal snipers using laser pointer guided gyroscope equipped rifles to compensate for the pitch, yawl and rolling motion of the pirate lifeboat and US Navy frigate, the pirates received...
Read full storyCase of the Self Inflicted Porn Star Reaches Federal Court
Washington DC: A woman has been charged with posting nude videos of herself on Youtube in various compromising positions. She faces criminal charges for distributing pornography and may eventually be designated as a sex offender. The trial began tod...
Read full storyWoman Says She's Not "A Piece Of Meat"
Samantha Neighbors of Mountain View, California is taking a construction company there to court after receiving severe dog bites and scratches from falling, which she blames on the crew. "This all started with those moron construction workers who...
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