Thousands of people relying on the security of their bedclothes to prevent attacks by ghosts were today up in arms after discovering their duvets are 'little to no good at stopping anything'.
Ian Piss, a renowned researcher in the field of bedding, has published claims that the average UK duvet will not save its owner from a paranormal experience.
"Most duvets are composed of cheap fabric, and feathers," he said. "That won't do anything. Ghosts aren't put off by the thickest of blankets. They'll reach right on through."
The research, published last week, has led to thousands of furious parents berating Piss for upsetting their children. Philomena Wince, a single mother from Clapham, now claims her son sleeps wrapped in netting to discourage spirits.
"He used to feel safe under the duvet," she revealed. "Now, he sleeps in thick netting. He thinks he'll trap the ghosts' greasy hands."
Piss claims that his research was inspired by viewing Ghost, the popular film where Patrick Swayze dies.
"I just saw Sam Wheat and knew he was a law unto himself," he adds.
"There's no way he'd be daunted by a flimsy piece of duvet."