Written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

image for Mary Hart's Smile Surgically Widened

The 58 year old Entertainment Tonight icon went under the knife this past weekend to surgically enhance the width of her now-famous, never flinching smile. Previously known for her stage-lit, crossed legs at the desk of the 1980's version of "ET", Hart has purposefully shifted the focus away from her legs to points a little further north.

"We needed to highlight another set of Mary's features", says producer Asa Kerborne, "Her gams aren't what they used to be". Kerborne tells reporters that the surgery was Hart's decision after complaints that it took more cheek muscle strength to keep her famous smile open for the entire taping of the show. "It's just a side effect of age. The surgery should help her keep her mouth open longer." Kerborne said.

Doctors at the Plastic Surgery Institute of Muscle Beach told reporters that the surgery did indeed go well. "We took her from a 3.5 inch width to a 4.5 inch width, and adjusted the bottom lip downward at the corners to make the smile more rectangular", said surgeon, Dewey Slycsem. "Of course she will never be able to whistle, pronounce the letters B, M, P, or drink through a straw again".

"It's a snall rice to ray for a eutiful snile", said Hart after the surgery. Producers plan to dub in Mary's voice with a stunt spokeswoman, while Mary smiles and points to the screen containing the next ET story. "It will play well on the small screen", says Kerborne, "Not so much in HD".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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