London - A cyclist has been admitted to hospital after receiving third degree burns around his eyeballs.
The cyclist, who wishes to remain anonymous, was cycling through central London yesterday when he was startled by a noise behind him. He looked back to see a large vehicle containing an Olympic size pool, a sauna, four double bed rooms and a stage. "I knew at once it was someone famous or really fancy" said Anon "I mean, I could tell by the sturdy look the driver had on his face. He looked really serious, like "I mean business", know what I mean?"
"Then he started honking and cursing like a mad man "get out of the way, get out of the way!" but I knew I had just as much a right to be there as anyone else, even though I don't pay the £8 congestion charge. Next thing you know, the window opens and I see Simon Cowell hanging out the window shaking his fist at me. He didn't say anything, just opened his mouth to smile and that's when I felt this blinding flash of light hit my eyes. I hit the ground straight away and passed out soon after."
"It's been a week now and still my eyes are really sore and tender. Oh yeah, and I'm blind. But it's the nightmares, oh the nightmares….I'm riding my bike down the street and suddenly the biggest set of chompers I've ever encountered attacks me and swallows me up whole!"
Anon, who is a barman, intends to sue Cowell for £38 million for loss of income, anti-cyclist behaviour and, of course, our old favourite "hurt feelings."
Cowell maintains the teeth flashing was purely self defence.
Astronomers have issued an official warning to the public not to look directly at Cowell's teeth, especially while in motion.