Morbid, Ohio - Convicted murderer, Ron (alias Big Mac) McDonald, was put out of his misery today after the Supreme Court supported his last-minute plea to be executed. McDonald had been on Ohio's death row for the past 22 years after being found guilty of brutally murdering two college students.
While in prison, McDonald tried to commit suicide by eating himself into morbid obesity. At the time of his death, he weighed 758 pounds.
"I don't know how he gained all that weight in prison," said puzzled Warden Tubby Stout, brushing the powdered sugar from a half-eaten cream puff off his triple chin.
Stout asserted that all death row prisoners are given ample exercise and a healthy diet. "We let them out of solitary confinement at least once a month into their six by eight foot cage for 20 minutes of exercise. They work up quite a sweat."
"And just last year, our prison won an award for its Healthy Choice menu after British chef Jamie Oliver started his Don't Eat Yourself to Death Row campaign," beamed a proud and puffed-up Warden Stout, popping off three buttons from his crisp prison uniform in the process.
Deputy Warden Deep Phat Chitlins posited the theory that McDonald's attempted suicide was assisted by his mother. According to Chitlins, Big Mac's mother was caught several times smuggling food into the prison for her son.
"Who knows how much contraband food she actually managed to get to him? We couldn't stop it all. One time I personally apprehended her smuggling in pork chops that she had stuffed into her bra. Mmmmm, those were might tasty too!" exclaimed Deputy Chitlins.
Warden Tubby Stout added that the prison had done everything to keep Mr McDonald healthy while on death row. "Why, we even got him a Wii Sports and Wii Fit. I've never seen a 758 pound man bowl like that in a 4x6 solitary confinement cell. It was truly inspirational."
Deeply depressed by his inability to succeed in Death by Chocolate, McDonald was, however successful in his pleadings before the Supreme Court to be executed. Even though he never acknowledged the crimes for which he was convicted, McDonald argued that he had a right to die just like every other morbidly obese fat person.
In an 8 to 1 ruling, the Supreme Court sided with McDonald and ordered Ohio to perform the execution. Chief Justice Michael Moore put forth the majority opinion in the ruling.
"Medical experts have testified that the brain is entirely made up of fat. Therefore, after weighing the evidence, it seemed clear to this court that at 758 pounds, Mr McDonald must have a substantial brain and intelligence. Therefore we accept his argument that he should be executed. Besides, fat people stink."
The lone dissenting justice, Rosie O'Donnell wrote in her opinion, "This is a travesty of justice. I don't believe in corpulent punishment. Mr McDonald should have been force- fed jelly donuts intravenously until he died a natural death."
O'Donnell added, "There's plenty of precedent over the years: the Fatty Arbuckle case, Mama Cass Elliot, John Belushi, Devine, and Chris Farley, to name butt a few. Sure Mr McDonald committed the act of murder. But in each of these cases, the named individuals murdered many acts. I rest my case."
Jubilant over his Supreme Court victory, Mr McDonald ordered a last meal consisting of a T-bone steak, hash browns, french fries, four eggs over easy, onion rings, four pieces of toast, a pint of Rocky Road ice cream, Mountain Dew and bear claw pastries.
According to prison witnesses, McDonald uttered his last words while standing on the gallows. "The last laugh's on you," he chuckled. "I wish I was around to see the look on your faces when you have to clean up my last involuntary bowel movement after that meal."
Apparently McDonald was correct. According to the coroner's report, McDonald weighed only 137 pounds following his hanging.
Human rights watchdog Iamnasty International was outraged by this news. Iamnasty spokeswoman, comedian and Dr Who actress Catherine Tater-Tots told the press, "What a crock of shite!"
"Iamnasty International cries out for human rights. We demand that in future, all fat bastards on death row be hung until they defecate and then cut loose and weighed," bellowed Ms Tater-Tots. "Then they should be returned to their 4x6 solitary cells to live out their miserable skinny-ass lives in living hell."
Big Mac McDonald's mother appeared at Ms Tater-Tot's side during the press conference in a show of support. "I blame myself," lamented Mrs McDonald. "If only I hadn't hidden those pork chops in my bra and that ham in my thighs during all those prison visits, none of this would have happened. Little Mac would have been still in his cell on death row playing with his Wii."
"A tearful Mrs McDonald concluded her remarks by adding, "I've learned my lesson as a parent. From now on, when I visit my other sons in prison, there'll be no more 'wham, ham, thank you ma'am.' From now on, it's strictly laxative suppositories I'll be smuggling in to them."