Poll: Trust in Polls Lowest Ever!
Warsaw - An overwhelming majority of Americans have lost faith in the ability of polls to lead the nation, according to new poll of 1000 registered Americans.
Read full storyGreeks win Lesbos Case - Lesbian Banned!
Campaigners from Greece's third biggest island today won a court injunction banning the use of the word Lesbian.
Read full storyDangerous Pirate Boards USS Lincoln
May 1, 2003, aboard the USS Lincoln (CVN 72), President George W. Bush (xliii) stood under a banner (Mission Accomplished), in a naval aviator's combat flight suit (sporting a 12-inch codpiece, which was probably a urine bag for when he pissed himself), after his first trap (lingo for successful landing on an aircraft carrier), and stated that "major combat operations in Iraq have ended&q...
Read full storySound and Fury Takes Toll on Obama, Poll Finds
Senator Barack Obama's aura of inevitability in the battle for the Democratic presidential nomination has diminished after many of his most loyal supporters reported enjoying the novels of William Faulkner, according to the latest New Yor...
Read full storyThurman 'frightened by lack of publicity'
Hollywood actress Uma Thurman said today she was 'panicked' and 'frightened' by not getting enough publicity.
Read full storyEliot Spitzer stays schtum as DC Madam found dead
New York - (Ass Mess): Disgraced former brothel enthusiast and ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has blanked reporters following the news of Deborah Jeane Palfrey's sudden death.
Read full storyForeign laws 'are sold as British'
A significant amount of laws thought of as 'local' or 'British' actually come from abroad, a BBC investigation has revealed.
Read full storyFarmer's Inflatable Pig goes down on him
A Californian farmer who purchased an inflatable pig on eBay this week for just $50 thought he had a bargain until the porker was posted to him in a shocking state (that's the pig - not California!).
Read full storyEmma Watson Lets Herself Go
There must be some serious rivalry between the Harry Potter stars because today, after hearing about Daniel Radcliffe's new found mingingness, Emma Watson too let herself go.
Read full storyGerman child with Air-Raid Siren causes Havoc In Shrewsbury
A German toddler has caused untold mayhem in a British town by playing with an air-raid siren passed down to him by his great-great grand-Furher Adolf.
Read full story2002 Kentucky Derby winner Whore Emblem can't get it up for Japanese fillies
Hokkaido, Japan - (Horse-bollox Mess): Fabled 2002 Kentucky Derby winner Whore Emblem has gone lame in the matrimonial stakes at his Shadai Stallion Station Japanese stud farm home.
Read full storyDutrow bullish about Big Brown superstar
Louisville, Kentucky - (Thoroughbred Mess): Unbeaten 3/1 Kentucky derby favorite Big Brown is the bees' knees' to trainer Rick Dutrow who has dismissed kiss-of-death fears for the colt's outside draw of stall number 20 as nothing more tha...
Read full story'I'm wicked and I'm lazy'
Gaz Swanton from Salford, Manchester is OFFICIALLY Britain's laziest individual.
Read full storyArsene never really liked Changing Rooms
Arsene Wenger has blamed the current housing market slump for his team's loss of form. At one stage, The Gunners were 5 points clear with bookies paying out on them winning the Premiership at a canter.
Read full storyLast train to Clarksville, Essex
Train companies were warned as to the problems faced by passengers traveling home on Thursday and Friday evenings when city workers traditionally have a few beers in readiness for the weekend. Trains leaving Liverpool St on these nights after 10.30pm...
Read full storyWii are Family
As the Wii play station craze continues to rise, 'reality holidays' are set to prove popular meaning that the general public can now visit exotic locations without ever having to leave their home.
Read full storyPing Pong Cowell
ITV1 reality show 'Britain's got Talent' is under the spotlight after contestant Sharon Fairclough proved 'a little too hot to handle'.
Read full storyTime Magazine publishes Top 100 Hellfire Club Crooks of 2008
New York - (AssoCIAted Mess): Time Magazine has published its annual list of the top 100 most successful Hellfire Club crooks of 2008.
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe Lets Himself Go
It is a sad day for all us 'spotty' teenage girls around the world as Daniel Radcliffe formally known as Radders is pictured leaving his Fulham family home, looking frankly awful.
Read full storyParents of future tennis star don't think Lil-lets can help Wimbledon dream
It would appear that the advertising campaign in the 80's where Lil-lets were seen as the "feminine route to freedom" and could "help with playing tennis and other games during times of tension" were all a sham.
Read full storyGobal Warming is a myth
Scientists are increasingly concerned about the genuine threat of 'global freezing'.
Read full storyRecords are there to be broken
Karen Matthews, Mother of Shannon has contacted the 'Guinness Book of Records' to enquire what the highest number of arrests within one family stands at.
Read full storyThis man could kill YOU
As the race to be London Mayor hits the home straight and 'hots up' Boris Johnson has addressed the growing issue of Noise Pollution.
Read full storyElton Still Number 1
The Daily Mail has sensationally admitted that it in fact faked Princess Diana's death to create interest and headlines.
Read full storyAmy won't venture South
Amy Winehouse has sensationally made headlines for the first time this year by not actually making the headlines.
Read full storyChanging Lanes
A pensioner was reliving the moment he could not get off the M25 and drove round it twice before being rescued.
Read full storyStrange but True
A steward inside Old Trafford has found a Manchester Utd fan who is actually from Manchester.
Read full storyAustrian incest nutter's eldest grandchild pregnancy rumors
Amstetten, Austria - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): An omerta style wall of silence has descended on Amstetten CID amid press speculation that the eldest grandchild of incest nutter Joseph Fritzl is herself pregnant.
Read full storyMoscow Police Happy over the 'Plastic Fans' Final
Moscow Police were today celebrating F.C Chelskis victory over Liverpool. Our reporter was allowed a brief interview with Vladimir Killthemov "Chief of Security".
Read full storyUS Fairly Confident That Al Qaeda Leader was in That Library They Bombed
MOGADISHU, SOMALIA - The US military is claiming to have killed Aden Ayro, the leader of Somalia's deadliest terrorist cell, in an overnight airstrike - or at least they're pretty sure he was somewhere was in that library they bombed.
Read full story"MC Jazzy Jeff" - Sky Sports' Stelling Moves into the Weddings Game
The days of stuffy toastmasters stiltedly clinking champagne glasses and barking dry, emotionless orders to your nearest and dearest may soon be over, with the news that Sky Sports are rolling out their successful football results service format onto...
Read full storyLeeds United Suffer Further Penalty
Leeds United, the League One side who today appealed against a 15-point penalty given to them at the start of this season, are set to be penalised by a further 5 points, it has been revealed.
Read full storySuperdelegate Bill Clinton Endorses Obama
(Washington DC) Politics makes strange bedfellows and there may be no one stranger than Bill Clinton. The ex-president turned the tables on his wife and endorsed Obama for the presidency.
Read full storyAvram Grant Voted Best Chelsea Manager Since...
A survey amongst Chelsea fans after last night's 3-1 Champions League victory over Liverpool, has shown that a significant number of them regard Avram Grant as the best manager since Jose...
Read full storyDavid Blaine holds Mike Easley underwater for 17 minutes!
American magician David Blaine set a new campaign stunt record yesterday by holding North Carolina governor Mike Easley, who said Tuesday that Ms Clinton "makes Rocky Balboa look like a pansy" and possibly derailing Hillary Clinton&...
Read full storyAlbert Hofmann, Swiss Chemist who Discovered LSD, may be Dead at 102
Chemist, Albert Hofmann, who was pronounced dead back in 1978 at 72 and then was again pronounced dead in 1989 at 83 and once again was pronounced dead in 2001 at 95, was once again pronounced dead this week at 102 years old.
Read full storyWombles to Play Glastonbury
Following news that Welsh raver Shakin' Stevens is to play this year's Glastonbury, we can exclusively reveal the news that The Wombles, who were big in the 1970's, will play this year on The Pyramid Stage.
Read full storyInhabitants of Paedo up in arms over Lesbos publicity
The inhabitants of the island of Paedo (referred to as Paedophiles), off the coast of Austria, are livid regarding the recent publicity surrounding the Greek island of Lesbos.
Read full storyMayor opens squatters' advice centre where squatters moved in 6 months ago
The mayor of Burnley, Bea Enpea, has opened the country's first squatting advice centre for layabouts, drug-addicts and fake Big Issue sellers who can't be bothered working and paying for a mortgage.
Read full storyManchester crooner Morrissey dropped by label for releasing happy song
The singer Morrissey, real name Morris Day, and a brother of Green Day, is being dropped by his music label for releasing an upbeat song.
Read full storyRon Paul's New Book Number One on Amazon
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- Ron Paul's Republican presidential campaign has set campaign fundraising records and captured more delegates during his presidential run than some of his high-profile Republican rivals, and now his new book is tops on A...
Read full storyPapa Panzer: Can Roman Catholicism Become Gay Again?
Religion writers, who usually clean the toilets, were given the assignment of continuing the interrogation of Pope Benedick. The topic of this interview is the Catholic doctrine concerning homosexsuality.
Read full storyOPEC Out for...Blood?!
Leaders of OPEC have been rumored to have had recent meetings on combining their efforts to market and produce a new fossil fuel alternative.
Read full storyDavid Blaine Sets Levitation Record by Lifting Oprah
CHICAGO, IL - The crowd was hushed. David Blaine's face was the picture of pure concentration. Oprah sat patiently in her signature interviewer's chair. Then suddenly, with a gasp from the crowd and a squeal from Oprah, the chair began to...
Read full storyBush Names Ketchup an Entree in School Lunches
In the hard times in the Reagan years, ketchup was named a vegetable in public school lunchrooms by Republican appointed nutritionists. In the age of childhood obesity, schools have been moving to healthier lunches and nutritious breakfast programs i...
Read full storyPaula Abdul Names Jack Daniels Her American Idol Twice!
American Idol Star Judge Paula Abdul regularly votes for Jack Daniels as the best performer on American Idol despite the fact that none of the candidates are named Jack or have the surname Daniels.
Read full storyObama Campaign Chooses Official Flower
In an attempt to portray both a down to earth populism and find a metro sexual sensibility, the Obama campaign has named a campaign flower. The dandelion has been chosen to represent the ubiquitous nature of Barack's support, its resilient abilit...
Read full storySnooker: The Breaking of the Cherry Breaks Box Office Records
From Rocky to Beerfest XVII, films have used sport as the inspirational vehicle for the myth of human accomplishment. The washed up Philly cheese steak rises to culinary delight, the beer gut becomes haute decor.
Read full storyWoman Spotted At Iron Man Movie Premiere
(New York) The Loews Cinema in Times Square was thrown into a state of turmoil during a special midnight screening of Iron Man when a person believed to be an attractive woman was spotted among the crowd of single overweight male moviegoers.
Read full storyObama and Clinton Both Drop Out
DNC Chairman Howard Dean announced today that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have both given up any hope of winning the Democratic nomination. Their campaigns have given him notice within minutes of each other.
Read full storyWife Leaves Hubby for the Weather Channel
Cornie Johanssen of International Falls filed divorce papers today to his wife of 20 years for leaving him for the weather channel.
Read full storyThird grade teacher arraigned on Federal firearms possession charges for having handgun in class -- blames school budget cuts and statewide testing
Santa Ana, California - Arrested on federal charges for having a handgun and bullets in her third grade classroom in early April, the teacher entered a not guilty plea in a Santa Ana courtroom today. Through her attorney, she insisted she never inte...
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