Papa Panzer: Can Roman Catholicism Become Gay Again?

Written by Pointer

Thursday, 1 May 2008


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image for Papa Panzer: Can Roman Catholicism Become Gay Again?
Bene Bene Dick in a jimmy hat

Religion writers, who usually clean the toilets, were given the assignment of continuing the interrogation of Pope Benedick. The topic of this interview is the Catholic doctrine concerning homosexsuality.

Papa: In the way of opening remarks I would like to say that Catholic joy has never left our great faith tradition. Just because NO is the answer to every query involving Human pleasure doesn't mean we are not a faith with great celebratory capacity. Did anyone take note of how tittilatedly happy all those men in dresses on the altar of St Patrick's Cathedral in NY were? You would have to go to San Francisco to find that many gay men!

Janitor #1: Speaking of gay people, why does the church oppose homosexsuality?

Papa Zinger: Please respect the fine distinctions our theology makes. We do not oppose the homosexsual orientation. People cannot choose who greases their pole. In fact if same sex pole greasers were banned from the church we would have to ordain women( I'd rather baptize monkeys!) and married (Ugh!) men.

Toilet Brusher #2: Then what is the fine distinction?

PRZ: Glad you asked! Action is what we oppose! You can want anything and still be a good Roman Catholic. But if you act on your desires, we have no choice but to judge you and if you act on a same sex pole greasing desire, we condemn you to hell!

Urinal helpmate: But why?

Benedick: You see the modern world has lost the ancient prescientific understanding of sex. Once even pagans like Aristotle understood Natural Law. Sex is for nature a reproductive act. Therefore that old heathen Ari understood that only reproductive use of the sexsual organs was natural. People today think their nasty bits are a kind of amusement park. They ride the masturbatory merry go round, the contraception climax climb, the lesbian lickorice stick and the rear end bumper cars. You were not given nasty bits for play but for production!

Floor mopper: But Aristotle believed that the sexsual love between a man and a man was superior to breeding...

Bene BeneDick: And so do most of our clergy, though the man-boy love league has been one of our best vocation recruiters. Please understand only the Irish actually follow the Church teaching which is why they are so often tipsy. Rome teaches a rarefied Religious science that is best observed in its neglect. Why do you think they call me Bene bene Dick?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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