Ireland Says That Due To The Coronavirus, Anyone Caught Kissing The Blarney Stone Will Be Arrested on The Spot
CORK, Ireland – Irish officials are taking the Coronavirus very seriously, as evidenced by a newly-written proclamation which, if violated, will cause the violator or violators to be taken into custody. The Blarney Stone Coalition of Dublin stated...
Read full storyColorado To Ship 3 Tons of Marijuana To California
DENVER – The governor of Colorado has agreed to ship up to three tons of top grade cannabis to California. Due to the lack of rain, the Left Coast state has not produced as much pot as needed to meet the ever-increasing demand. California state...
Read full storyNew Couple really Struggling
With Coronavirus spreading across the country, new couple, Gary Wilmot-Symthe and Tessa Brassingthwaite, are really struggling. "In the old days," said Wilmot-Smythe, "a young chap could take a lady he liked to any number of places, the theatre,...
Read full storyNot everyone is disappointed play has been cancelled
News from Mithering on the Trent's amateur players is that, although their proposed production of Hamlet has been shelved, ticket-seller, set painter and tea-boy, Tom Worthington, is not at all disappointed. The sprightly 83-year-old told us, 'At...
Read full storyPanic-buying rocks the rich and frocked
Looking for deep-frozen chicken drumsticks? Forget it! Britain's supermarkets were stripped of the delicacies on Monday by Royal staff, hoarding the nibbles for Charles and Camilla. "Life without chicken drumsticks is unthinkable," explained the Prin...
Read full storyCharity shops just can't give away bad books nobody wants
It has been revealed that charity shops up and down the country just can't give away copies of books by Jeffrey Archer and EL James, despite widespread stories of people stock-piling toilet paper. Gladys Pippin from the charity shop in Mithering o...
Read full storyPeople not panic buying Banjos or Bagpipes
Although people have been stock-piling pasta, toilet rolls and copies of The Sun, music shops have reported that people still aren't rushing out to buy banjos or bagpipes. A spokesman said, 'You would have thought that there might have been a spik...
Read full storyBlackpool man speaks to wife for first time in years, thanks to coronavirus
After last week's news that the English Football Leauge has been suspended until April 3 at the earliest, due to the widespread coronavirus outbreak, Blackpool supporter Pommo Pomerenko was forced to speak to his wife of 15 years, Joan, for the first...
Read full storyMan replaces Firestarter.com picture of him with a fish with one holding a toilet roll
Insensitive buffoon, Shane Brassingthwaite, a fully trained pipe fitter from Mithering on the Trent, has replaced his picture on Firestarter.com with one that is even more morally dubious. His previous one was of Shane holding a four-foot pike tha...
Read full storyMan celebrating St Patrick's Day by playing albums by Bewitched
Self-isolating thrower of shoes, Brian Asshat, has claimed that he will celebrate St Patrick's Day in the only way he knows how: by playing the CD of Bewitched that he owns. The ever-popular corrector of writing said, 'I love the proper Irish musi...
Read full storySocial Distancing? No Sweat! Introverts Nail Self-Quarantine
While many Americans struggle with isolation and even despair in the face of warnings to avoid social contact, in order to help curtail the spread of COVID-19, one sector of the population is thriving like never before amidst massive social distancin...
Read full storyManchester United Captain Harry Maguire Self-Isolating In His Gas Cupboard
The Coronavirus has completed its first phase of infecting enough people to get humanity's attention, and is now in its second stage: sowing the seeds of fear into the population, and making them think the 'end of the world is nigh'. And so it was...
Read full storyMexico To Close The US-Mexico Border Because of EL C-19
MEXICO CITY – Mexico’s Health Minister, Roberto “Bobby” Uber, has informed President Trump that Mexico will be closing the US-Mexico border very soon. He said that, according to the latest health statistics, which were provided by the Health Stat...
Read full storyThree Women at a Walmart Involved in a Brawl Over Charmin Toilet Paper
SAGINAW, Michigan – Police were called to a local Walmart, after reports that three quite hefty women started fighting over a package of Charmin Toilet Paper. Store manager, Conzuelo Buckingbaum, 42, said that she was walking by the toilet paper a...
Read full storyA Recent California Poll Totally Infuriates President Trump
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, California – The highly respected Left Coast Monumental Polling Council has just released the results of its most recent extensive state-wide poll. A total of 1,903,521 registered California voters were polled and asked if Pres...
Read full storyTom Hanks To Star In The Most Challenging Role Of His Career
Hollywood star, Tom Hanks, is one of the greatest actors of his, or anybody else's, generation, having featured in 69 movies, but the man who played Forrest Gump might just be in the middle of, by far, the most challenging role of his entire acting c...
Read full storyEngland to close Scottish and Welsh borders
England will be closing its borders with Wales and Scotland to anyone who is not a citizen, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced. The new measure, to mitigate the spread of the coronavirus in England, also includes the Isle of Wight, The Cha...
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