Social Distancing? No Sweat! Introverts Nail Self-Quarantine

Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 17 March 2020

image for Social Distancing? No Sweat! Introverts Nail Self-Quarantine
From an evolutionary perspective, noted Ryan Harding of Louisville, things aren’t looking so hot for extroverts.

While many Americans struggle with isolation and even despair in the face of warnings to avoid social contact, in order to help curtail the spread of COVID-19, one sector of the population is thriving like never before amidst massive social distancing: introverts.

“Not to toot my own horn,” said introvert, Kevin McConnell, of Boston, Massachusetts, “but I'm nailing this self-quarantine thing. Honestly, I was made for this."

Molly Swanson of Nashville, Tennessee, noted similarly that, while many of her more extroverted acquaintances are proclaiming via social media to be about to slit their wrists as a result of not leaving their houses for days on end, she, herself, is handling the alone time just fine. “I’ve built up plenty of stamina for not leaving my house for days on end,” she said. “For me, this is pretty much business as usual.”

And Ryan Harding, of Louisville, Kentucky, bragged that his rigid self-sufficiency and aversion to intimacy, which his therapist had argued were holding him back in his personal life, have now proven to be his biggest assets. “From an evolutionary perspective, things aren’t looking so hot for extroverts,” he said. “These days, a little emotional unavailability goes a long way.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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