Looking for deep-frozen chicken drumsticks? Forget it! Britain's supermarkets were stripped of the delicacies on Monday by Royal staff, hoarding the nibbles for Charles and Camilla. "Life without chicken drumsticks is unthinkable," explained the Prince. "We're not being greedy, but my people want a happy Monarch-to-be, you see. Anyway, they'll replenish stocks...one day..."
Meanwhile, a truck-load of Windex Glass Clear was being delivered to Downing Street. "Ensures streak-free mirrors", revealed a member of staff at No. 10. "Boris and Carrie have mirrors everywhere. I won't say they're vain, they just like looking at themselves. Boris continuously checks his hair is correctly ruffled, and the smirk works, while Carrie, well..."
While for common folk, hamster-buying mainly involves toilet paper and pasta, the uptown well-to-do have other priorities. Former PM, Theresa May, was seen with a car full of shoe boxes purchased before 'non-essential' outlets are closed down indefinitely. "I think they'll be shut down until after Easter," she sighed. "Had to act. Strong and stable buying, I call it. Shoes are fundamental to existence. Cardinal items, don't you think?"
In Dublin, a swarm of Catholic priests were observed buying dozens and dozens of Vaseline jars from Boots. "Our hands get very sore", explained a bishop. "We need soft and fluid extremities throughout the clergy. Smooth contact with our flock is vital. Laying-on of the hands, or whatever, should remain a pleasant experience for all involved. No-one enjoys a rough touch, do they? Well, some do, I suppose..."
Good to know...