IPCC says global warming causes Islamic terrorism, sexual dysfunction and other ills
Speaking for the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), Professor Cretino Calvo Ampolloso said today that the IPCC will prove that global warming causes Islamic terrorism, racial prejudices, sexual dysfunction and acne, among other ills an...
Read full storyHogwarts Student Expelled over New Spell
Nigel Goldman was expelled from Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry and his wand snapped for his creation and use of the spell Copus Feelius. Despite Goldman's obvious cleverness in creating new spells, this one has driven a wedge between...
Read full storyBrad Pitts Says He Is Sick and Tired of Angelina's Lips - All Four of Them
LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt was in town visiting some old friends as well as taking a Universal Studios tour, when he was asked how his marriage was going. Pitt tugged at his beard and replied that it was going. When asked to elaborate, the Bra pa...
Read full storyABC Cancels Ugly Betty Saying That Betty Just Got Way Too Ugly
MANHATTAN - The producers of the ABC comedy drama Ugly Betty have just been informed that their show has been cancelled. When they asked why, they were told that Betty Suarez played by America Ferrara had just gotten way too ugly. They were quick...
Read full storyHaiti Military Plan Revenge Attack on HAARP
After the High Frequency Active Aural Research Program's earthquake weapon test went terribly wrong (or right as some have suggested), the Haiti military have set out to destroy the secret military testing base in Alaska to stop further earthquake at...
Read full storyDesiree Rogers Screws Up Again: Campaign Contributors Fill All Seats at State of Union: Elected Officals Adjourn to Bar!
Social Secretary Desiree Rogers out did herself last night in filling Congress with hundreds of Chicago Campaign Contributors, Community Activists and Weather Stripping Contractors, leaving Senators and Congressman no choice but to adjoin to a neigh...
Read full storyCelebrity Big Brothers Alex Reid and Katie Price are set to make millions
Celebrity Big Brother's Alex Reid and Katie Price are set to make a million this Summer after their glorious appearance on Big Brother. The plan was leaked by a man who claimed to be Alex's manager Rob De Banker. Rob revealed by accident that Katie...
Read full storyKabul in Shock Renaming Decision...Helmand to Twin with Peckham!
Hamid Karzai made the stunning announcement as he addressed world leaders in London last night. Mr.Karzai was guest of honour at the Guildhall and made the remark to a packed audience of top types, good eggs and top toff totty! The Bearded shys...
Read full storyCBS Offers To Trade David Letterman To NBC For Jay Leno, and The Two Jimmy's (Kimmel and Fallon)
NEW YORK CITY - Some of the top CBS executives are amazed at the amount of publicity that NBC was able to generate with its late night talk show spectacle. They figure that the amount in terms of dollars is probably in the neighborhood of $2 billi...
Read full storyThe Bachelor - The Claws and Talons Are Coming Out!
PISMO BEACH, California - The Bachelor is down to five females and four are members of The We Hate Vienna The Bitch Club. Vienna, the 23-year-old penguin trainer from Sanford, Florida stated that she doesn't care what the other four girls think be...
Read full storyApple unveils the iPantyPad
Seattle - (Tablitz): CEO Steve 'Big' Jobs was cock-a-hooptoday as the Apple Core unveiled its latest gizmo the iPantyPad. Billed as the intelligent answer to the old fashioned colostomy bag the thin, sleek device senses moisture ahead of an emissi...
Read full storyLife At The Moorview Institute-Chapter 14
As Luther walked purposefully toward a little used, and lessor known obscure door in the back of the basement, his Rolex binged...5 minutes to meet his contact in back of the property skirting the woods, under the famous 'hanging tree', so named for the midnight executions undertaken almost a 100 years ago when Moorview dealt with unruly patients. Luther pulled up his hood and secured his water...
Read full storyHillary Clinton offers to interfere in Northern Ireland standoff
Belfast - (Ballybollox): Hillary Clinton's presence in Stormont talks is guaranteed to stir up the kind of irrational venom that could unite all parties into a negotiqated Piss Process consensus, according to Blarney Stone sources. Unofficially Cl...
Read full storyLohan Donates Private Drug Stash to Doctors Without Borders, Doubling Merck Contributions
Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. It has suffered from a history of political violence that reaches back to the 1950s when "Papa Doc" and "Baby Doc" Duvalier purged the military, installed rural militias and subjugated Haitians...
Read full storyApple Tablet iPad Is Born, It's a girl!
She weighs 1.5 pounds. She's a showoff and has a 9.7 inch display. Daddy Steve Jobs proudly presented her to the world at a news conference in California. How do we know Apple's new creation iPad is a girl? The evidence is overwhelming. She...
Read full storyMet Police Authority dumps Boris, probes links to busted Camden Mayor
London - (OMG!): Smug peroxide bombshell Boris Johnson remains defiant after being dumped from London's top policing supervision sinecure. The fast-unravelling Mayor of Camden scandal places Johnson and disgraced Camden Mayor Omar Faruque Ansari i...
Read full storyTwo anthropologists killed in Pelosi's vagina cave-in
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- Two anthropologists were killed early Thursday morning when the walls of Nacy Pelosi's vagina collapsed while they were studying Neanderthal Cave Paintings discovered therein last year. Killed were Nevada's famed Dr. Dian...
Read full storyNew "Wickedpeter" Site Hard To Get On
Wickedpeter, the adult encyclopedia operating from Effingham, Illinois, is having a hard time getting it's site on the internet. "First we have to learn what we could and could not say on our site and that slows us down", stated Rod Hammerer, edit...
Read full storyBlair will be hung out to dry with the filthy New Labour washing says famous astrologer
London - (Karmic Press): Formidable zodiac alignments this Friday all point to IRA top gun Tony Blair getting shafted. According to famous astrologer Dame Astra Rottweiler the swaggering, bombastic Opus Dei hitman has been corralled onto the Chilc...
Read full storyBanana company unveil new iPad product
Banana, the world famous computer manufacturer, have revealed a new product today, to the great excitement of their adoring fans. The product, called the "iPad" is a departure from their usual business line - computers for thick people, tiny music...
Read full storyThe Lord of the Things Part 4
Read this amazing story from the start Gwarthar and the Dandy Highwayman entered the sewer. It was the same place in which they had poured the Golden Treasure of Akebor. It stank. There was a small pathway they could walk along so they didn't need to step into the river of brown stuff which flowed slowly through the pipe. "Look, Dandy Highwayman, the Golden Treasure of Akebor. It has gone ro...
Read full storyTampons Used to Control Asian Carp Population
Still arguing with the US Supreme Court over the control of migrating Asian Carp by closure of the Chicago locks, the States of Wisconsin, Indiana and Michigan have engaged in their own nuisance control program, aided by the use of the common tampon.
Read full storyTiger Woods And Elin Nordegren Spotted Together At Golf Course Near Clinic
After all the wild stories, most apparently being true, of Tiger Woods escapades since last Thanksgiving , most people gave up on Tiger and Elin Woods but that may not be so. Several people claim that they saw the two together on the Bay St. Louis...
Read full storyAmerican Idol: Kara DioGuardi Gets Into A Cat Fight With Guest Judge Katy Perry
LOS ANGELES - The American Idol Traveling Audition Show returned to its home base the city of Angels looking for contestants to participate in the 2010 season nine version of American Idol. This event was held in L.A.'s luxurious The Fault of San...
Read full storyDavid Milliband breaks record
David Milliband has broken the record for repeating the same word or sentence over and over again. It happened during the course of a short television broadcast, and the word he chose to repeat was "Yemen". He did this on the television during a liv...
Read full storyIllegal War that nearly was
While the world is preoccupied with the talk of the illegal war in Iraq news has reached us that there was nearly another illegal war caused by a misunderstanding between former President George Bush and Condoleezza Rice the former American Secretary...
Read full storyAlec Baldwin Contemplates Craigs Lists Ad
Hollywood and the rest of the Planet - Alec Baldwin is one of Hollywood's most respected actors. He is an attractive, sexy bachelor who is yet to be snatched up by one of his leading ladies. "His eyes are what attracts you to him" said one of the...
Read full storyJon and Octomom dine out
Octomom and Jon -recently met for dinner after each reading the other's news stories. This reporter for the Entertainment Edition News caught them at it, so to speak, and it looked like they both had a lot in common. Jon contacted the Octomom a...
Read full storyNew life saving equipment soon to be mandatory for all Cruise Ships
Cruise Liner Queen of the Nile - is docked in the deep waters of the Pacific by a remote anchor made possible by a company hoping to help cruise liners who are plagued by people jumping or being pushed overboard when the cruise liners reaches deep w...
Read full storyHair is no longer a concern of The Donald
The Donald is happy with the Hair he now Has - People who saw Donald Trump were absolutely amazed about his new appearance on the Apprentice. The Donald and his lovely wife took a brief vacation to a little known island in Bouris, Greece. It...
Read full storyDid a BigOil backhander persuade Lord Goldsmith on Iraq War legality?
London - (Bonkers): Did a magnificent all expenses paid VIP trip to Washington persuade ex-UK Attorney General that the British government 'would be able to get away' with invading Iraq without a UN resolution? Today's Chilcot Inquiry heard how Lo...
Read full storySplits is the Pitts said Brad
Hollywood and the rest of the Planet - Brad Pitt and his longtime partner are making some very serious decisions concerning the dividing of the massive personal properties, including children. By the time the actual proceedings come to a court dec...
Read full storyLife At The Moorview Institute, Chapter Twelve
Life At The Moorview Institute Chapter Twelve In the Laundry Room Eduardo (Eddie) Valdez was one of the invisible people. He was a man who got up in the morning, went to work, came home, ate a tv dinner while watching Lifetime network, and went to bed. He never made waves or ruffled feathers in his life at home or at work. He wasn't a member of any clubs or teams or organizations and just...
Read full storyMen's Brains are Full of Bollox
Why do men spend do much time thinking about sex? The answer has puzzled scientists for centuries - mostly because they got distracted and started to think about sex, sex, sex instead. Well, the answer has now been discovered: men's heads are load...
Read full storyWee Jimmy Whyman on the Iraq Inquiry
Wee Jimmy Whyman is the 5 year old boy who asks never ending questions that most adults find difficult to answer. Jimmy is great on the computer at checking out information and is always reading books. Watching the news on television they were showing live coverage from the Iraq Inquiry when wee Jimmy asked his father questions about the Inquiry he said "Why are they holding this inquiry when a...
Read full storyCorporate Mission Statements For Our Modern Times
Mission statements are a modern attempt to give meaning and a face to a corporation's work in its never ending pursuit of profits. They are a statement on a business's real intents and purposes. Supposedly. The problem is that the face it makes is lopsided and the meaning is muddled. If they were to say what their real intents and interests are, they would probably look something like this: To...
Read full storyElin Nordegren Pens First Book On Golf Gate - "Dammit The Bitches Came Out Of The Woodwork"
TAMPA, Florida - Elin Nordegren has just finished writing her first book and it is on her husband Eldrick Tont Woods and the members of his Golf Gate Scorecard Cutey Club. Elin chose the book title from a list of over 70 choices that she had writt...
Read full storyEddie Murphy stars in a Hilarious Movie about Golf and it's Downfalls
Hollywood and the rest of the Planet - Movie goers everywhere are eagerly awaiting the release of a movie in the making regarding the Tiger Woods dilemma. Starring in this blockbuster, comedy will be Eddie Murphy as Tiger Woods and Cameron Diaz as...
Read full storyLiege, Belgium struck by Haitian after-quakes, Justin Henin reaching the Aussie semis may not have helped!
Haitian after-quakes have struck Liege Belgium, causing the collapse of an apartment block in the middle of the city. The authorities there measured force 7 on the Richter scale as the apartment block just disintegrated. Belgian Seismologists w...
Read full storyTiger Woods enjoying the humor of his predicament
Tiger Woods is not upset about jokes - Sitting in his small, comfortable quarters at the Sex Rehab Clinic in Mississippi, the sports legend chuckles at the latest joke written about him. His sponsor at the clinic says, "Tiger is in good spirits de...
Read full storyGMTV babes get desperate
Following the widely reported cuts in the GMTV budget (it's estimated that the quality of research on the programme will drop from widely inaccurate to virtually non-existent) the babes fronting the show are becoming increasingly desperate in their e...
Read full storyStimulus Dollars At Work
The Federal Government is hiring at a record pace. Initially that might seem a good thing in this distressed economy but it brings along some negative baggage. Specifically, these new hires are often not fully trained in the subtleties and nuances of public service. To that end the Office of Employment and Budget has began teaching classes for these recruits at various locations throughout the...
Read full storyHelp needed, free trip and free housing offered
Reptiles have more uses than just pets - A company in the tropics where snakes and other reptiles are plentiful has come up with a product that has the fashion world all atwitter. Snakes and most other reptile types shed their skin periodically an...
Read full storyOprah Involved in Shocking 'Tootsie Roll' Scandal Concerning Her Sex Life!
Media Mogul, talk show host, and worth over $2B, Oprah Winfrey is now embroiled in a sex orientation controversy as leaks from her tell all book hint that she really has an aversion to Tootsie Rolls, but just loves Chocolate Covered Cherries! The...
Read full storyApple Tablet, iSlate, Secrets revealed
Inside sources at Apple Discovery have confirmed the existence of the next big thing. Its the Apple tablet, and it could improve your life 100%. Its a small round pill that contains all the health benefits of 100 apples without actually having...
Read full storyDavos top cop Markus Reinhard in hotel suicide poser
Switzerland - (Gnomes of Zurich Mess): Conspiracy nutjobs are salivating with anticipation at 2010's first official suicide 'biggie' - at the Davos economic symposium in Switzerland. Tuesday's mystery death of Markus Reinhardt, enigmatic commander...
Read full storyNew "Watergate" Scandal Breaks in Louisiana
Starting to take on the look and feel of wiretapping activities made famous during Richard Nixon's Presidential reign, a new breed of conservative zealots have been charged with planting illegal listening devices in the offices of Louisiana Democract...
Read full storyGary Coleman to Star in New Reality Series
A production company is about to announce a new reality television series , featuring the vertically challenged former child star Gary Coleman who was most notably famous for a single quote from his late 70's TV show, Diff'rent Strokes. "What you ta...
Read full storyBotched Burglary Boils Boyles Blood
In a shock discovery, Susan Boyle returned home to find a man in her house. The Scottish tree pig had been recording a song for the 'Stop Haiti Shaking' fund, when she returned to her council house in West Lothian. As she opened the front door...
Read full storySarah Palin Wrestles 'The Penis Bomber' To Floor Of Plane To Alaska
Sarah Palin stated that she knew that something was up last night when an 'A-Rab with one of those Muslimsippi-sounding' names like Ibo got on her plane to Alaska where she still has a home. The plane held over 50 passengers and every single perso...
Read full storyUK leaves The Recession Club
The UK finally staggered drunkenly out of the Recession Club, Holborn early yesterday morning after drinking heavily in there since early last year. The G20 nations all met up for a drink up in the famous club in the spring of last year and each s...
Read full storyGrowing outrage over Spartacus: Blood and Sand
Outrage has been growing over the US cable series "Spartacus: Blood and Sand", since it was hyped, sorry reported, in the online media recently. Descriptions such as "the most sexually expicit programme ever made", "plenty of full-frontal nudity"...
Read full storySarah Palin Shocks Oprah Winfrey With Her New Curly Locks Hairdo
CHICAGO - Ex-Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin shocked America's number one talk show host Oprah Winfrey with her new gobs and gobs of curls look. Palin was in her Wasilla, Alaska, home and was appearing via a remote telecast. Winfrey asked Palin,...
Read full storyWoman Trips -- Oopsie Daisy -- and Damages Picasso Painting
The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City was the scene of an unfortunate accident last week. An art student slipped and fell into the very valuable Picasso painting The Actor, causing damage to the canvas. "Everybody now thinks I'm a k...
Read full storyJersey Shore: "Snooki" and "The Situation" Want $10K - Producers Counter With Replacements Offer
NEW YORK CITY - Now that they have their first season under their collective belt the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore are walking around with dollar signs in their eyes - big dollar signs. Jenni known as "JWoww" says that she feels like she's appearing...
Read full storyThe Bachelor Is Down To A Handful: 5 Wedding Bride Wannabees Are Left
HOLLYWOOD - The Bachelor, Jake "The Lucky Dude" Pavelka has narrowed down the field of prospective "Bed Mates" down to five, cinco, funf, cinq, and speaking of sinks, the DG's (desperate gals) are pulling out all of the stops even resorting to throwi...
Read full storySecret Agent Double-O'Keefe Captured!
New Orleans - The Big Easy was rocked today as Secret Agent James O'Keefe was captured during a top secret mission to bug telephones at the office of Senator Mary Landrieu (D-LA). O'Keefe's daring plan involved going to Landrieu's office disguised...
Read full storyThe Death of an Icon
Today, carrying out a controversial ruling by a California judge, TV legend Scrappy Doo was put to sleep. His last words were "Leaves are not good for ice cream." Scrappy Doo, never as famous as his uncle Scooby Doo, had been convicted of the murd...
Read full storySchool Board Pulls Porno
Spoons, Washington - Spoons High School (SHS) students are divided over the school board's decision to pull the Merriam-Webster dictionary from classrooms after a complaint that the book contains material that is unsuitable for minors. According to...
Read full storyMickey Mouse forces Canadian Prime Minister to Prorogue Parliament
After four years of lying to the Canadian Parliament, Prime Minister Stevie Harper's nose had grown to Pinocchio like proportions. Sued by Mickey's Disney Corporation for copyright infringement, Stevie Harper agreed to an out of court settlement. In...
Read full storyCat Found Dead By Side Of Road
Bangkok Police are currently investigating the mysterious death in the city of a cat found this morning at around 5.30am. The cat, about 2, was discovered by chance by an off-duty traffic cop who was sleeping under a bridge near the Rajawithi Road...
Read full storyProhibition's Lessons Lost on Congress
All the unintended nasty consequences of Prohibition that occurred in the "Roaring Twenties" have been relegated to US History, but their lessons of corruption, special interest groups and Congress ignoring the will of the people are lost on the curr...
Read full storyHilary hopes Chelsea will not call her baby "Monica"
Washington D.C. and elsewhere on the Planet - With the ex president's daughter soon getting married, her mother must dread what her grandchild could be named. She had better not get Chelsea mad at her or she could retaliate and name the child "Mo...
Read full storyKiefer Sutherland Can't Buy a Mexican Rump Roast
The already rich Movie Star, Kiefer Sutherland, fell for yet another git richer quick scheme today. The gullible Sutherland flipped a Stockton Beefer Bogie upwards of a million bucks to "Fetch some Beefalos in Mexico" and "Flip 'em for Big Bucks i...
Read full storyLife At The Moorview Institute-Chapter 11
Luther woke slightly out of sorts. He always slept soundly and with a clear conscience, but a disturbing vision kept recurring as he lay in the darkness of the early dawn, suddenly alert. Clowns! That was it, Clowns! Why would he have dreamed about Clowns after a wonderful evening with Ms. Altoids had relaxed his mind, body and Spirit? He shrugged off his thoughts, no matter, if it was impo...
Read full storySmoking
When you give up smoking, all your senses crave Actimel, the over advertised wonder drink that does everything. However, wearing the new Actimel Invisible Patch (that even you can't see) actually does nothing. That's a lie. The Invisible Actimel Nicotine Patch actually impregnates your skin with four times the nicotine you would ingest from a normal Camel cigarette. The cost of this incre...
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