LOS ANGELES - The American Idol Traveling Audition Show returned to its home base the city of Angels looking for contestants to participate in the 2010 season nine version of American Idol.
This event was held in L.A.'s luxurious The Fault of San Andreas Hotel. And this year just like in year's past the "El Lay" crowd showed up wearing hair in every color under the sun, with more tattoos than all of the sailors in the U.S. Pacific Fleet, and more piercings than Madonna, Amy Winehouse, and Lady Gaga put together.
The guest judge for this audition was Katy Perry, Russell Brand's main squeeze these days. And feisty little Perry who wore three times more makeup than she should have wasted no time in showing the viewing audience as well as the AI judges that she probably has bigger balls than Simon Cowell.
Right off the bat she showed that she did not care for veteran judge Kara DioGuardi by telling K.D. that she did not like the perfume she was wearing. Perry asked, "What the hell is it called, Please Help Me, I'm A Celebrity and I Stink Like Hell?"
Kara turned to the dressed all in red Katy and remarked, "No little bitch with the red ass lipstick, rogue, and no doubt clitoris too, it's called Your Mama Is So Fat Kirstie Alley Calls Her Skinny Skank.
Randy started laughing and said that they were in for a grand old time. Katy leaned over and told Randy that he needs to realize that just because he is black does not mean that he can sing, tap dance, play basketball, or collect food stamps.
Jackson asked Katy if she had sat her ass in a pile of fire ants before coming over to the hotel or what.
Simon chimed in by saying that Katy reminded him of someone. He paused for a moment and then stated, "Oh yeah, Katy reminds me of Madonna except without the wrinkles, gapped tooth, cellulite thighs, Nazi personality, and mustache."
Kara grinned and hollered out, "Bingo Simon. Damn effen bingo, come here you precious limey and I'll (blank) your (blank)."
The contestant who had been patiently waiting to sing asked, "Hey tarts and tartesses did y'all friggin forget about my ass waiting to sing over here or what?"
Simon yelled out, "Go ahead and sing your little freakin' song shorty, and if it is as bad as your shoes, your ears, and your smile, you can just make your way out of the room right blimey now."
"Blimey? What the hell does blimey mean?" the contestant asked.
"It means that you do not have to sing a single note because I have already decided that I am having security throw your arrogant ass out for being sarcastic to the person who single-handedly rescued Great Britain from the brink of financial ruin and monetary disaster with the millions and millions of dollars, or rather pounds to you Yanks that I pay in taxes to her majesty the Queen."
Katy turned to Simon and asked him if he would like for her to go and find a beach towel so that he can dry his bloomin' fake-titted tears.
Simon told her to come sit on his lap and pretend she's exactly the slut that she used to be when she recorded her lesbian-themed song "I Kissed A Girl."
Kara started laughing and remarked that Katy is so ugly she cannot even get a male to kiss her, and she quickly added that Russell (Brand) does not count because half the time he doesn't even know if he is a human being, an animal, a mineral, or a tampon.
Katy picked up her glass of Diet Coke and threatened to toss it in Kara's old, wrinkly, botoxed face.
Kara shouted back that she has never had botox in her life.
She then added that if Katy even so much as spilled a drop of soda on her she would have to call her boyfriend Rusty to pick her up and give her a ride because she would be wearing the judges table and it would be sticking half way out of her blithering botoxed buttocks which would prevent her from driving.
Just then Ryan Seacrest walked in and told the judges that all of the contestants waiting outside were all standing there with their ears pressed against the door and wall listening to the out-of-control antics of the Dingaling Brothers Barkin' and Gayly Circus that was going on inside the judges room.
Katy hollered out at Ryan to bring his skinny little anorexic ass over to where she was sitting and she would do something nasty to him that he could put in his dairy and highlight the hell out of the entry as well.
In other news. Paula Abdul heard about the commotion between the two K girls and she said that she was going to refer to it as Kara and Katy's Katfight or KKK for short, and she said that she meant no offense to the original KKK, the Ku Klux Klan.
