Hogwarts Student Expelled over New Spell

Written by Xinix Xaxx

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

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Nigel Goldman was expelled from Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry and his wand snapped for his creation and use of the spell Copus Feelius.

Despite Goldman's obvious cleverness in creating new spells, this one has driven a wedge between Goldman and the entire female population of Hogwarts. His spell, Copus Feelius enables a wizard to touch or feel parts of a witch's body she might not wish the wizard to touch. Unfortunately for Goldman, the spell has a short range, and he was detected in almost every instance of his use of this enchantment.

"I'm glad he's gone," says Ashley Drangins. "It was awful. Even if you wore ten layers and folded your arms across your chest, he could still grope at your (breasts). It even hurt, after so many times, I mean, he was grabbing my (breasts) hard and as many times a day as he could. I wanted to punch him right in the nose and kick him someplace lower."

Maddy Breckett agrees. "It was pretty bad. You'd try to sit down and there'd be a grab at your (buttocks). Sometimes, you'd try to sit down and it felt like there was a hand on your chair."

Goldman developed the spell at age 15 because "I've never gotten to second base, as they say, and I wanted to."

Various girls attending Hogwarts said Goldman never made it "up to bat, let alone on base" to continue with the baseball metaphors. Goldman denies this but refuses to name anyone with whom he spent any intimate moment.

In addition to losing his wand and being expelled from Hogwarts, Goldman had to submit to a public spanking on his bare buttocks, administered by a troll. All the victims of his spell were permitted to watch, but were not required to be present. Goldman was not allowed to know who witnessed the spanking.

Nigel Goldman is best known for a different spell he created at age 14. He sold this spell, Phallic Engorgement, to Americans, for an undisclosed sum of over 10,000 American dollars, after being ordered never to sell or use it in England. Goldman claimed the spell did what all the pills and devices muggles advertise do not accomplish. It is not known if Goldman ever used his own spell on himself.

When asked what he believes the future holds for him, Goldman stated he was looking into the possibility of potion making, in particular, aphrodisiacs. It is not clear how he intends to go about potion making without a wand or proper education. When this was mentioned, Goldman merely smiled in an unpleasant manner, tapped the side of his head, and said "I have a plan."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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