The Bachelor - The Claws and Talons Are Coming Out!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 27 January 2010


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image for The Bachelor - The Claws and Talons Are Coming Out!
The latest rose that Vienna Girardi received from Jake and which she has reportedly put up on eBay.

PISMO BEACH, California - The Bachelor is down to five females and four are members of The We Hate Vienna The Bitch Club.

Vienna, the 23-year-old penguin trainer from Sanford, Florida stated that she doesn't care what the other four girls think because she is going to win the heart of this years 'Bachelor' Jake Pavelka.

Vi, as one of the shows cameramen calls her, spent quite a bit of time playing 'Hide and Seek' in a vineyard with Jake.

During the course of the game, Vi did manage to suck on her share of grapes. During one scene in which she actually polished off 14 grapes in one sucking, the camera panned over towards Jake who was standing there with the biggest grin imaginable. In fact, Jake the Snake was grinning so hard, both of his ears were moving, along with the crotch in his pants.

Jake was heard to have whispered, "Now that is some major, big-time sucking!"

The two also spent some time spinning the bottle (of wine) after Vienna had emptied it all by her little horny self.

There was of course a lot of obligatory kissing, cuddling, fondling, and (blank)ing.

Meanwhile, Ashleigh, the McDonald's French fry manager from Maryland decided to try and get Jake's manly attention by donning a pair of the tightest, shortest short shorts in California.

Jake was heard to have remarked something or other about a camel toe. And as before he looked down and saw that he had a very noticeable camel hump in his pants.

Ashleigh noticed and told him that with her camel toe and his camel hump they could certainly pass for a couple of wandering Arabs in search of a nice quite place to do the Arabian Boom-Boom Bam.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The Arabian Boom-Boom Bam is a close cousin to The Norwegian Nookie-Nookie-Nuts.]

Tenley, the lumberjack camp nurse, and Jake shared an earthy romantic moment as they rolled down a hill and got their faces, chests, and groin regions completely covered with sand.

Vienna was later heard to have said that Tenley looked like a damn sand witch. Tenley shot back that Vienna is one to talk since her biscuit looks like it could use about two sticks of butter just to get it close to the edible stage.

Gia, the New York City tampon model, remarked that Vienna's butterbags look like something one would see in National Geographic but only not quite as long, dark, or lion bite scarred.

Vienna replied that Gia is probably the worst tampon model in America. She noted that the reason is because Gia is so loose in the bearded clam department that the video shooter has to use duct tape in order to keep the tampon from slipping out during the photo shoot.

And the fifth remaining girl, the sweet unemployed pole dancer from Kissimmee, Florida, Corrie. She just shook her head at all of the backstabbing that was going on.

She took a sip from her Chivas Regal bottle and remarked that the way things are going Jake may just very well end up with the shows host Chris Harrison.

In a related story. Vienna Girardi has been signed by the Vienna Sausage Company to star in a series of commercials which deal with little things such as the actor Verne Troyer, better known as Mini-Me; Kate Hudson's boobs; Danny DeVito; and Paris Hilton's talent.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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