The Death of an Icon

Funny story written by Xinix Xaxx

Wednesday, 27 January 2010


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Today, carrying out a controversial ruling by a California judge, TV legend Scrappy Doo was put to sleep. His last words were "Leaves are not good for ice cream."

Scrappy Doo, never as famous as his uncle Scooby Doo, had been convicted of the murder of Daphne Blake and the attempted rape of Velma Dinkley and Shaggy Rogers. His defense against the charges was that his drink had been drugged, but no drugs of any kind were ever found in his system, not even his prescription for anti-psychotic medication. The defense tried to use this to Scrappy's advantage, but the judge rules Scrappy was lucid enough to have taken his medicine, especially with his Uncle Scooby Doo living in the same house and requiring his own medication to curb his ravenous appetite.

"Revery ray Rie rerinded Rappy roo rake ris redicine," says Scooby. Translated this is "Every day I reminded Scrappy to take his medicine." Scooby's sworn testimony and the numerous calendars in the Doo home with reminders on them damned the small dog as surely as if he'd admitted to the crimes.

Further evidence against Scrappy Doo was testimony from Velma Dinkley and Shaggy Rogers, both eyewitnesses to the murder and witnesses, of course, to their own attempted rape. Both former members of Mystery Inc. told the judge, under oath, about the savage attack on Daphne and how Scrappy tried to rape them. They were only saved from actual rape by the fact that Scrappy, as a cartoon character, was not anatomically correct. In frustration, Scrappy beat them both into unconsciousness with his dog bowl before fleeing the scene in Velma's Dodge Viper. Scrappy was captured when he crashed the car into a large bulldozer. Scrappy tried to assault the police, but the officers did not seem to notice.

Shaggy and Velma are now moving forward with their lives. They are not saddened at all by the death of Scrappy.

"Like, really, he was a pain in the butt," says Shaggy. "He demanded so much screen time on the show that the producers killed the series."

"Scrappy was terrible to work with," agrees Velma. "He always wanted to get everything done in one take, and to hell with what anyone else wanted or needed. If someone slipped up and blew a line or something, Scrappy would throw a tantrum. He once urinated on the director's shoes because the director had to cut a scene when Fred slipped and broke his collarbone. Scrappy didn't care; he just wanted to finish what we'd started. I can't tell you how many times a cast member or especially a guest start, found little dog droppings in our trailers, our beds or even our clothing."

Neither Shaggy nor Velma are willing to speak of the night when they were forced to watch the death of a good friend and were the victims of a puppy gone very wrong. During the trial, Velma broke down into tears more than once, and, when not forced apart, she and Shaggy were seen holding hands and sitting very close to one another.

"Like, the only good thing Scrappy ever did was encourage me to ask Velma out. He was in our wedding, even after all the hell he put us through, but remembers, this was while the show was still on TV. He didn't go, like, really bad until after the show was off." Shaggy admits. "But you know what? I think he's the reason Fred left the show and joined those people and their 'religion' in Wisconsin. I caught him one night in Fred's trailer and he was, like, whispering to Freddy as he slept."

Edward Dewey, Scrappy's defense attorney from the offices of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe told reporters after the execution, "I did my best to defend the little turd. I hated that dog. You wouldn't believe the scars I have on my lower legs from him biting me. The firm wouldn't let me quit the case because of the high profile and amount we were getting paid. The day I met Scrappy, he told me, 'Ok, I killed that "B" Daphne, she needed it, and you're gonna get me off or you'll have one nasty enemy.' "

The judge, Milton "Peacekeeper" Williamson, said he hadn't wanted to execute the little former TV star.

"I had no choice in the sentence. Scrappy's record demanded it." Judge Williamson told reporters.

Scrappy's life after the TV shows were canceled was not a shining example of a cartoon star retiring gracefully. He regularly got into fights at strip clubs, mostly with bouncers after he'd try to molest the dancers, and had seven arrests for OUI. Scrappy had been indicted for, but not convicted of, cocaine trafficking, and many believe it was Scrappy who supplied Captain Caveman with the cocaine upon which the retired hero overdosed and died. Scrappy was known to frequent prostitutes, but was never convicted of actually paying for sex, as he had no genitals. It is believed by the California law enforcement community he beat several hookers up, but no solid proof of this exists. Scrappy was arrested several times for fraud including the infamous arrest for the pyramid scheme that wiped out the collective fortunes of the Smurfs and cost them their homes. Papa Smurf refused to allow any Smurf to comment for this article.

Present at Scrappy's execution were Shaggy Rogers and Velma Dinkley, Scooby Doo, several members of the press and the prosection team who worked so hard to get the conviction. When asked, after the injection, if they wished they could pass a message to Scrappy, Shaggy silently shook his head, and Velma, holding Shaggy's hand and clutching close to him, refused to even respond to the question.

Due to Fred Jones's membership in the Wisconsin based religious order "The Friends of Jesus" he was unable to comment as not only are telephones the Devil's tools, but apparently anyone and everyone outside the cult are "evil tempters."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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