TAMPA, Florida - Elin Nordegren has just finished writing her first book and it is on her husband Eldrick Tont Woods and the members of his Golf Gate Scorecard Cutey Club.
Elin chose the book title from a list of over 70 choices that she had written on the back of one of her husband's most expensive golf tournament shirts.
After eliminating 69 titles, she settled on a name that really says it like it is, Dammit The Bitches Came Out Of The Woodwork.
She said that in the book she reveals never-before-disclosed things that her husband did and said including the plea for help that he made on the night of the so-called Cadillac Escalade SUV accident.
Elin laughed as she said that Tiger thought that he was dialing 911 but he actually hit the speed dial number which goes directly to Larry King's Live With Larry King Show.
So, Tiger did not know it at the time, but when he was yelling for someone to help him because his wife was beating him up with one of his golf clubs and she was threatening to knock his balls into the next door neighbors front yard gazebo it was heard by over 16 million TV viewers.
Elin also writes that on many occasions Tiger would beg her to get all dressed up like a 1950s white male golfer and he would get dressed up like a 1950s black caddy.
She said that she really would get a kick out of hearing him say 50s golf cliches like "Ya sa," "No sa," and "Ya sa, I be on my ways to goes and fetches ya a bottle of Delaware Punch."
Elin was asked if she still plans to divorce her husband. She raised her eyebrows and asked, "Does a tiger shit in the woods?"
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I have to note the inclusion of a rare 'double pun/cliché' which I will be entering into the 2010 Left Coast Literary Jamboree & Dangling Participle Jubilee.]
Elin was asked what she plans to do with the $3 million advance she has received from Tree Limb Publishing for her book on her husband Eldrick, whom she writes in chapter four that the the R in his first name is actually silent as his name is correctly pronounced El Dick.
Nordegren stated that she is going to give every penny to her mother.
Elin then poured herself another Seven & Seven. She sat back and said that she feels bad that she was not able to have kept her husband from straying off with advantageous women who put out their welcome mats right above their well-used rugs (hoo-ha's).
But she smiled and noted that she does feel good about the fact that her math is right on the money as she can certainly say with any doubt that $684 million divided by two comes out to $342 million.
In news coming out of Idaho. The leader of the notorious Spud Rustling Gang has finally been caught. Creighton Fakkinbicker was apprehended just outside of a Boise Burger King with stolen potatoes stuffed in his pants pockets, his shirt pockets, and two up his (blank).
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The blank word rhymes with interplanetary gas.]
