JK Rowling 'is Vanessa Redgrave's granddaughter'
London - Bafta audiences were nauseated to learn that serial children's fiction plagiarist JK Rowling has been groomed for stardom by her maternal grandmother, fetid KGB Vanessa Redgrave. The geriatric thespian spoke for about 10 minutes on Sunday...Read full story
Last Denver Donut Shop To Close, Police Don't Know What To Do With Their Time
Denver, Colorado has been called the most healthy city in the United States. It has more miles of bike trails, and the highest per capita sales of vitamins and nutritional supplements. Because residents are so concerned about their physical conditi...Read full story
Life At The Moorview Institue, Chapter 25
Life At The Moorview Institute Chapter 25 What If The Monkeys Really Run The Zoo? Dr. Lippshitz sat in his office, contemplating what had happened that morning. He'd run the videotape of his counseling session with the new patient back and forth all afternoon, and still didn't have any answers and no clear insight. It was a mass of confusion and lies and deception, and all mixed in with s...Read full story
Puff the Magic Dragon's Friend, Little Jackie Paper, Arrested For Possession
Little Jackie Paper, the former boy who loved that rascal Puff (the magic dragon) was discovered with a five pound brick of marijuana in the trunk of his car. The sixty-seven year old man said that he was on his way to visit the graves of his parent...Read full story
New Superhero Makes Debut To Adoring Fans
Metropolis turns to Superman, the Man of Steel, for protection. In Gotham City, they turn on the Bat Signal and call for the services of Batman and Robin. New York City turns to the web slinger, Spiderman, for help when nothing else will save them.Read full story
Gordon Brown Kicks Elton John's Ass!
Apparently British Prime Minister is not the calm person everyone thinks he is, especially when fighting for his political life. His staff have placed about a dozen calls, four in the past week, to the nation's bullying helpline. "Oh smoke come...Read full story
'Eastenders' Desperately Hyped
As ratings fell heavily down on Walford, a borough of East London, Peggy Mitchell opened the doors of the Queen Vic and another episode of the feeble once-popular soap opera 'Eastenders' began. ''Allo, Peggy', Dot Cotton said to her in that voice that sounds like an undertaker on Prozac's as she went into that public house, 'can I have my usual please?' 'One strychnine wiv arsenic coming up',...Read full story
And Now For A Word From The Penile Enlargement Dream Fulfillment Organization
A number of publishers on freelance web forums have been requesting articles written on the topic of penis enlargement. As a social service to the readers of this website who we believe would have a vast need for such information we at Penile Dream Fulfillment are sending you this list of alternative forms for enhancing ones assets: Technique #1- Have girlfriend sit in car. Stand outside of ca...Read full story
Cheryl Cole Declared 'Queen Of Mimewagolia'
Obscure Mediterranean principality declares Cheryl Cole Queen. From 'El Trumpetta Del Mimewagolia' "Salute per El Presidente del Mimewagolia para la chicoletta puta boom-boom Cheryl 'la flautista' Cole,la diminutabano mimeo del Brit Awards y la mujer de Fagash Cole parce-que elle este la numero uno reina del Mimewagolia despito la 5'3" de statuesquero y las extensors. "La Britta bambina d...Read full story
"Mr. Three", Jon Gosselin, Doing New Movie "Gone In 45 Seconds"
Jon Gosselin apparently to star in adult action movie about a man that is trigger happy. No, it's not a western. It's about a sad sack where everything goes wrong in his life until he gets a television contract and suddenly he's surrounded by babes.Read full story
Tiger meets wise woman and takes up Bud - ism
Tiger Woods has taken up Bud - ism that is drinking as much Budweiser as he can even drinks as much as he can out of a can. Recently Tiger made an apology speech in front of friends and family who were ordered not to speak by Gordon Brown otherwis...Read full story
How To Look Good Dead producer 'found naked'
London - (Ass Mess): The subtle art of televised self-improvement was shaken to its roots today as a senior Channel 4 executive was found at home, lifeless and unclothed. The How to Look Good Dead , Looking 10 Years Younger Than The Average Cadave...Read full story
Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Johnny Depp, Britney Spears, and Donny Osmond To Star In The Remake of "Bonnie & Clyde"
HOLLYWOOD - Sand Castle Pictures in association with MGM has just announced that they have signed Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens to star in the remake of the Warren Beatty - Faye Dunaway depression days outlaw classic Bonnie and Clyde. Noted Italia...Read full story
Adam Lambert Caught Playing Tonsil Hockey With Ke$ha
NEW YORK CITY - Two individuals who are known as "now" performers Adam Lambert and Ke$ha both attended a 'no holds barred' party at Manhattan's premier gay club, The Tonsils, which was formerly The What's Up Bitch Club. Lambert is known as the mos...Read full story
Alexander McQueen Death - Narnia Investigation gathers Pace!
New Scotland Yard Commissioner Brian Panzer today revealed details of a secretive investigation carried out to get to the truth behind the death of fashion guru Alexander Mc Queen. Following on from a tip off left in Mc Queens jacket pocket, Detec...Read full story
Polanski wins best director award in Berlin
Roman Polanski has won the Silver Swastika for best director at the Berlin Film Festival for his new film 'The Ghost Perver'. Polanski could not accept the award as he is under house arrest and fighting extradition to the USA over a conviction of...Read full story
Elin Nordegren Not Buying Tiger Woods Apology
The estranged wife of Tiger Woods stated this morning that she is not buying that Tiger Woods interview yesterday. "Just go back and look at him when his father passed away. That was real grief. Then look at his face on TV during that apology thi...Read full story
Miley Cyrus To Enter Nunnery
After several live-in guys in her life and steadily growing tired of the 'same old same ole', Miley Cyrus says that she is considering moving into a nunnery near Bardstown, Kentucky, close the the Abbey At Gethsemane where all the monks live. "I'...Read full story
BBC In Royal Death List Mystery
A suspected death list has been leaked from the BBC giving the arrangements for broadcasting the deaths of famous people. There are three categories. Category three contains just one name: Rupert Murdoch. Not only will programs not be interrupted, bu...Read full story
Skirts Off, Trousers Down!
Skirts. For years part of the school playground life. Now they are under threat from a Government which is taking equal rights legislation to new extremes. The skirt is accused of discriminating against girls who want to live as boys. The brainch...Read full story
Burnley's Dismal Away Record Blamed On Minibus
Sports analyst Doctor Michael Kane today attempted to explain Burnley's miserable Premier League away form to legions of disappointed fans. Reeling Burnley today squirmed as they were mercilessly battered into submission 5-2 by Aston Villa. Many p...Read full story
Pope Criticises Airport Body Scanners
The Pope has slammed airport body scanners after a crucifix was confiscated at Knock airport. A statement read by Father Stig O'Treacy, a Vatican aid, said "His holiness, the Pope, strongly objects to his most secret parts being on display to all...Read full story
Ashley Cole Tried To Hush Up Affair
Ashley Cole is accused of trying to hush up an affair. Ronnie Corbett, the pint sized star of The Two Ronnies and Sorry has come forward to reveal all. Corbett said "I never knew he was married. Our producer would be most shocked to find this out...Read full story
Elvis Presley Sues Stephen King From Beyond The Grave For Plagiarism
In a week which has seen the thorny issue of plagiarism take over the headlines at the expense of that good old staple called infidelity, we've just heard from Graceland that the late King of rock n roll, Elvis Presley has instructed his legal team t...Read full story
The Interesting World of Cats
Cats come in many sizes. Big, small, slighter bigger than small, slighter smaller than big, fat ones, skinny ones, ones with lots of hair, ones with no hair, ones with hair in places that they really shouldn't have hair in, and so forth. Cats have been known to meeeeow. On several occasions I have heard this distinctive sound emanating from the frontal section of said animal's body (generally r...Read full story
Darling says Gordon Brown is Lord Voldemort!
Harry Potter fans were today aghast to discover that since leaving Hogwarts, Harry Potter had taken up an assumed identity and in the guise of Alistair Campbell had infiltrated the Labour Party in a desperate bid to halt the progress of the Evil Lord...Read full story
SuBo fanatic strangled by own scarf
In an astonishing act of good taste, a Susan Boyle fanatic has been strangled by his own red scarf. Californian Dr. Bobbino de Ponytail, 14, said: "I couldn't believe it. I was in the middle of banning yet another innocent member of my alleged fan...Read full story
Tiger Woods to star in Eastenders
His performance could be described as wooden, but Tiger Wood's acting debut, where he read out something called an apology, impressed the producers of Eastenders so much that they have offered him a part in London's most popular soap opera. Millio...Read full story
Door Jaw A Serious Moscow Complaint
Door jaw has claimed yet another victim. Moscow's hospitals fill up with people wounded by the heavy, old Soviet doors of the Metro station. You only have to slightly mistime your entrance and you are suddenly making a horizontal exit. One recent visitor to Moscow who became another victim is Mr Stig O'Treacy. Here he tells his story. "I was heading for Mayakovska metro station. I'd managed...Read full story
BBC obit department says Queen will die "soon after Baftas'
London - (RIP Mess): A shake-up in the Corporation's notorious Category 2 protocol directive has hinted its royal obituary division is on emergency standby. A handy window of opportunity shortly after Sunday's Bafta awards ceremony has been earmar...Read full story
Gordon The Bastard Brown v John The Power Prescott
Ever since Ken Buchanan the former World Lightweight Boxing Champion announced he wants to make a comeback at the age of 65 Boxing authorities have been trying to organise a Pensioners World Boxing Championship. Now Boxing Authorities have been as...Read full story
Inglorious Bastard Brown says "I Didn't Do it
Evidence is mounting that Gordon Brown intimidates staff and some have even ended up with a black eye or a cut lip. When questioned on the allegations that he hit some of his staff Brown said "I Didn't Do It". He has been known to through newspape...Read full story
Thurles Man In World Record Shit Attempt
Stig O'Treacy of Thurles has attempted to enter the record books for doing the heaviest shit. O'Treacy spent months training and straining in preparation for the attempt. "I knew that I'd get only one shot at it, so I aimed to give it my best." Wi...Read full story
Next Winter Olympic Games Moved To Barbados
Following complaints from competitors about the severity of the Vancouver weather the IOC has announced plans to switch the 2014 Games from Sochi, Russia to Barbados. IOC Winter Organiser Stig O'Treacy said "It's been very cold here. The wind hasn't...Read full story
Fairy Tales For Our Modern Times
Psychologists have isolated new 'fairy tale' beliefs that have evolved in our society in recent years. All times in history have had their mythology and illusions that they believe in. Ours is no different. We might think that we are rational and scientific, but in reality we have just as warped of thinking as had our predecessors who believed in witch doctors. Our beliefs are just more modern.Read full story
Why Do The Winter Olympics Take Place?
As the Winter Olympics continue in wherever the hell they're taking place in this year, other athletes and sports people were wondering why exactly the Winter Olympics takes place at all. 'Don't ask me', four times gold medal-winning decathlete Daley Thompson said, 'I mean, it just seems like a lot or boring gits from cold countries nobody wants to visit playing boring games and jumping off thi...Read full story
"Brown Pissed In My Pint" Hague Claims
William Hague has launched an attack on Gordon Brown, claiming that the Prime Minister had urinated in his pint. "I was out on one of my marathon drinking sessions up North with my old working class chums. I think it was pint number thirteen. It...Read full story
Dear Future Prom Goers
Dear Future Prom Goers, Alright, so get this. I was taking a trip down memory lane the other day with my bros and hos, and then I remembered high school. Then I remembered senior year. Man, those were the glory days. Sure, not ever doing homework, chillin' 24/7 with the boys, getting those varsity letters, and being on homecoming court was sweet and all, but I'd throw it all away for that one m...Read full story
Cheryl Cole In America: Ashley's Arse Is Toast!
LOS ANGELES - Last week when Cheryl Cole left Heathrow and landed at LAX the X-Factor judge and wife of Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole looked quite the worse for wear. She seemed disoriented, distressed, and depressed. She was asked how she felt.Read full story
Jon Gosselin, Kanye West, John Edwards, and Chris Brown Tie For The Title "Douche Bag of The Year"
DULUTH, Minnesota - The town at the mouth of Lake Superior, which is known as 'The Douche Bag Capital of The World,' because it manufactures more douche bags than any other city has just released the winner of its annual 'Douche Bag Of The Year' awar...Read full story
Tiger Woods and His Wife Elin Nordigren Fly To Dubai
ORLANDO, Florida - Tiger Woods' much anticipated press conference was nothing more than a golf joke; and a bad one at that. TigerBoy did not really apologize and all that he basically said was that he does not remember things happening the way tha...Read full story
Taylor Swift Says She Has Changed Her Mind About Appearing As A Contestant On Dancing With The Stars
SHENENDOAH, Virginia - Country music star Taylor Swift was in Shenandoah visiting her cousin Pansy Banboomer when she was asked about her being a celebrity contestant on the upcoming edition of Dancing With The Stars. Taylor got all embarrassed an...Read full story
Governor Rick Perry Tells Randy Quaid and His Wife Evi To Get The Hell Out of Texas!
AUSTIN - Governor Rick Perry says that he is fed up with the Hollywood diva antics of Randy and Evi Quaid and has informed the two troublemakers to skedaddle out of his state and to do it damn pronto (fast). The Quaids held up an ice cream shop in...Read full story
Kindles Shock Crowds at Radio City, Buy Tickets to Riverdance
Folks buying tickets for Riverdance at Radio City Music Hall in New York City were shocked yesterday to see six Kindles join the line for tickets. Amazon's electronic readers told their fellow ticket buyers that they love Irish music and dancing. "...Read full story
'Heavy Rain' May Just Be The Greatest Console Game Ever
Opinion appears to be divided over upcoming PS3 release 'Heavy Rain' making it either the greatest console game ever, or one long yawn fest, depending of course on who you choose to listen to. David Cage, the game's writer has compared it to a goo...Read full story