Survivor: Nicaragua - The 2010 Cast Has Finally Been Announced
LOS ANGELES - After months and months of back and forth speculation, it is now official. The cast of Survivor: Nicaragua has finally been announced. Host Jeff Pobst has said that the two tribes will be the Espada Tribe and the La Flor tribe. Lead...
Read full story"Most homosexuals are gay", says Peter Tatchell
Annoying busy body Peter Tatchell has announced that most homosexuals are in fact gay. The news was received with stunned silence, with most newspapers afraid of appearing bigoted, and therefore refusing to publish it. Gay charities welcomed the a...
Read full storyWhen Jeremy Paxman Met Katie Price
Good evening. In the first of our interviews with leading British celebrities, tonight we're talking here in our London studios to Katie Price. Now, Katie Price, why would anybody want to watch you on television or read about you in the newspapers? Jeremy Paxman: Hang on, do you mind, you're in the wrong studio… Katie Price: Wot u talkin bout? Jeremy Paxman: I'm supposed to be interviewin...
Read full storyShakira Says That Her World Cup Finals Affair With Spain's Gerard Pique Was Just A Flirtatious Time-Passer
EL PASO - The Colombian hip shaker Shakira had just finished performing to a sold-out crowd at El Paso's La Chupacabra Convention Center when she was asked about her extra curricular activities during the 2010 World Cup Finals which were recently hel...
Read full storyKarma, Bullet Kills Armed Robber During Hold-up, Says Breakfast Pastry
For those who begin their day looking at "death caught on tape" videos, their ghoulish appetites were sated with an amusing little piece this Monday: The deadly shooting at a south Atlanta hotel on Sunday that shows an armed robber accidentally killi...
Read full storyAdam Lambert/Taylor Swift Crossover Album Being Recorded
No one whom we talked to ever expected this album to be done, but it's almost completed and on it's way to release by January of next year. What's more, it's a hit already as fans of both are delighted. Talk about weird combinations, Taylor Swift...
Read full storyThe Latest in The Peter Crouch-Monica Mint Scandal - Mint Wants To Steal Derek Hough Away From Cheryl Cole
LONDON - The developments in the Peter Crouch - Monica Mint Scandal are developing faster than Heidi Montag's breasts. It now appears that the gorgeously sexy Spanish prostitute has told a very close friend of hers that her next goal is to take Ch...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Sues Jail For Millions Over Abuse!
An attorney for Lindsay Lohan says that his client has launched a lawsuit against the Los Angeles correctional facility where she served some time recently. Lindsay claims that she had no privacy, even to go to the bathroom. Attorney Samuel Liv...
Read full storyNew Apple "i" product a hit with the men
Having had much success with the iPod, iPhone and more recently the iPad, the technology to money firm has introduced the latest gadget in its iWant range of otherwise live-without gadgets. The new iRon is a speciality domestic unit produced for w...
Read full storyRed Arrows Will Be Severely Reduced by Government Cutbacks
Following the government's announcement that the Royal Air Force will be cut down to World War I numbers, it appears that one of the first casualties will be in the world famous Red Arrows. It's enough to have Henry Allingham turning in his grave!...
Read full storyPenny & Diamonds
'Why are diamonds so important, Mum?' 'They indicate love because they last for ever. They are also shiny and beautiful and look good on a dress.' 'What are boody diamonds?' 'That's the name given to the diamonds in this case involving Charles Taylor who seems to have given diamonds to Naomi Campbell. The diamonds were obtained by killing people so they are called blood diamonds.' 'So Ch...
Read full storyShocking report shows infants and babies in China are developing breasts
BEIJING: Shocking reports coming out of China show infants and babies developing breasts. Chinese health officials have ordered an investigation into the contents of the baby milk powders fed to them. It is feared that producers of baby-food and oth...
Read full storyMelting Siachen glacier uncovers evidence of Noah's Ark!
For hundreds of years Biblical scholars have believed that the remains of Noah's Ark were to be found somewhere in the Middle East. Most expeditions had confined their search to parts of Turkey. Now in a breaking news report coming out of the Siache...
Read full storyAlaskan Corrupt Bastards Club Senator Ted Stevens dead in plane crash
Dillingham - (RIP Mess): Alaska's near defunct Corrupt Bastards Club is in mourning today following the news that Ted Stevens was one of five fatalities in a downed DeHavilland DHC-3T accident. Stevens, 86, the longest serving Republican in the h...
Read full storySerena-Venus Williams sisters beaten by conjoined Dionne quintuplets in Canadian Open women's doubles
Canada's popular conjoined Dionne quintuplet sisters pulled off a major upset at the Canadian Open Wednesday when they defeated top-ranked sisters Serena and Venus Williams 6-1, 6-2 in a match that lasted barely 20 minutes. The shocked Williams si...
Read full storyNo Chicken Nuggets cause "Hooligirl" to attack waitress in Toledo, US!
A chicken nugget junkie "Hooligirl" attacked a waitress in Toledo, US (where?) today because she was refused them. The reason: the restaurant was serving breakfast at the time and chicken nuggets were not on the menu? Actually she was offered p...
Read full storyPrime Minister David Cameron claims he is "just an ordinary sharp elbowed middle class person with £30 million"
In between slashing and cutting the wastrels of government expenditure and separating a few million people from their jobs, Prime Minister David Cameron announced that he is "just an ordinary sharp elbowed middle class person with £30 million". T...
Read full storyScientists conclude current climate change has regenerated dinosaurs in midwest US
Don't be surprised if you look out your car window to see a Triceratops passing you in the next lane. No that's not a new Ford model - but the real thing. Boffins worldwide have concluded that the current climate changes world-wide are actually a reg...
Read full storyFamous Minor League Baseball Player Wins Dubious Distinction
Blooperstown, FL - As if being the most famous baseball player in the minor leagues wasn't enough of a bitter-sweet moniker, Chad "Chin Music" Tuttleman was inducted into the Minor League Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday amid lukewarm applause and a f...
Read full storySecret Weapon Saves the Gulf!
In a joint statement issued today, Admiral Thad Allen and a representative of BP Oil announced that the Gulf Oil spill was not only over but the environmental impact from it had been totally eliminated! A stunned press corps shouted questions at t...
Read full storyNaomi Campbell denies her line of cosmetics makes people's noses grow longer and their trousers spontaneously combust
Things haven't been going well for model Naomi Campbell lately. Firstly, she received some precious stones that weren't as big and sparkly as she had hoped. Then, she got cross-examined at the International Criminal Court and called a liar. Now, ther...
Read full storyEngland encourage "Boo Boys" to come to Wembley too get their money's worth at last!
The English footy team are hoping thousands of 'Boo Boys' come to Wembley tomorrow to watch a meaningless game against a second-rate Hungarian team. Captain Gerrard issued this surprise statement before the game: "Please come and boo as loud as...
Read full storyKaty Perry Is A Hit As Host of The 2010 Teen Choice Award Show
UNIVERSAL CITY, California - The 2010 Teen Choice Awards were held in Universal City, the city that has more teens than any other city in America. The popular event was hosted by Katy Perry, who grew up just up the Pacific Coast Highway in Santa B...
Read full storyThere may be 50 ways to leave your lover. Here's another one: I've slept with your mother!
A recent survey made on 10,000 people has revealed that the one act that would split up most couples is if either partner slept with the other person's mother. The survey, published in the women's magazine "OMG!" showed that 65% of those surveyed...
Read full storyConnection Made Between Rand Paul and Bong Hits for Jesus
Just hours after the story broke in GQ magazine about the woman claiming to have been kidnapped and made to smoke pot from a bong by Rand Paul, another bombshell has hit the newsstands-Rand Paul may be the person behind the pop culture saying "Bo...
Read full storyKeyboard Studies
A three year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following: The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use. The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards. The Russians have a red button on theirs, but are afraid to use it. The Swedish have heated keyboards for those long, col...
Read full storyPremier League will launch a line of food products ahead of the new season
The English FA and the Premier League have got together in a new merchandising deal worth twenty million pounds, releasing a line of food products. First in the freezer cabinets of local supermarkets will be Aston Vanilla ice-cream, said by food c...
Read full storyPanic as image of pre-Islamic Arabian goddess Al-Lat manifests in London shisha cafe smoke ring
London - (Second Coming): Customers at the Alley Barber Hookah Bar & Cafe in Tooting High Street were gobsmacked today. The goddess's image appeared suddenly and unexpectedly in a plume of exotic tobacco smoke just ahead of closing for the Ra...
Read full storyO'Neill: 'The whole club has paid for Carew's lap dance addiciton!'
Shocked Aston Villa supporters woke up this morning to the news that Martin O' Neill had left the Midlands club just five days before the start of the 2010/2011 season. Many speculated that O' Neill left because he couldn't take the club any further...
Read full storyUsain Bolt Out For Rest Of Season With Penis Injury
Olympic and world sprint champion Usain Bolt has been ruled out of competing for the rest of the 2010 season, after a doctor diagnosed a serious penis injury. The Jamaican's famous 'third leg', normally strapped to his leg with duct tape, could be...
Read full storyPeter Crouch - "Yes I do want to have my cake and eat it!"
Peter Crouch has today sensationally stated that he both wants to have his cake and eat it. In a bold move he voiced the thoughts of a thousand footballers admitting that whilst he had a tall, slim, attractive girlfriend/wife at home he still wan...
Read full storyWho Does Ashley Cole Think He Is?
It's the question on many people's lips - who does Ashley Cole think he is? Major bloopers in the left back's recent 'career' include cheating on former wife, Cheryl, texting photos of his meat and two veg and underpants to various women, laughing...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ventnor Childrens Festival in Doubt
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is the Ventnor Children's Carnival, that point in the Isle of Wight's social calendar that all children on the island look forward to, coming into Ventnor from as far away as Shanklin and Sandford. This year's was set to be th...
Read full storySusan Boyle misery at blood diamond headlines exclusion
The Hague - (Haemorrhage News): Oh, the sheer bloody unfairness of it all! The singer is said to be feeling upset this week that lesser divas are hogging all the limelight at the Prince Charles Taylor whore crimes trial. Although never official...
Read full storyVan der Sloot Escape Foiled When Plans for Transfer to Maternity Ward Axed by Gynecologist!
Peruvian Prison Officials narrowly averted public embarrassment after an elaborate scheme by Joran van der Sloot to escape confinement was revealed after a routine pregnancy test on the detained serial killer. It is widely known in the Peruvian Ja...
Read full storyJohn Lennon's shopping list sold at auction
A shopping list written by John Lennon has been sold at auction for £1.6m. The A5 piece of paper was discovered in Lennon's pocket after he was gunned down in 1980. It has been reported that the list is still blood stained to this day, after Lenn...
Read full storyNew health and safety procedures drawn up
The Health and Safety department has released a new list of dos and don'ts for UK citizens to keep them safe (and presumably healthy) around the house and workplace we can exclusively reveal. Speaking on behalf of the Government Department Mr Flan...
Read full storyAbbey Clancy Consults With Toni Terry Over Peter Crouch Sex Scandal
As the world of football was once again left reeling with revelations of yet another sex scandal - the fiancee of Peter Crouch, the delectable Croxteth raised Abbey Clancy, friend of roly poly TV comedian James Corden, decided to consult an expert in...
Read full storyCheryl Cole reveals true secret of weight loss
Cheryl Cole has today dramatically revealed the real reason behind her recent weight loss - a friendly tape worm called Graham. Speaking from her London mansion the superstar and her new friend sat comfortably together in the luxurious gardens si...
Read full storyChina Landslide Is God's Retribution For Human Rights Violations
The landslide in China which has so far claimed 337 lives, is retribution from God for the scant regard the Chinese government has paid towards its citizens, according to that claims of a madman on a bus. The man, speaking to a passenger on the 52...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ryde Pier closed to vehicles "for the foreseeable future"
For the foreseeable future, Ryde pier will be closed to vehicles. Ryde council have announced this measure following a safety inspection that discovered defects in the structure's structure. Ryde Pier has long been a popular tourist destination fo...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson's lips out of action
World superstar, Robert Pattinson has some bad news for his female fans. His most prized possession, his stunningly kissable lips will be out of action until the spot that has appeared on them goes down, for it currently causes him intense pain whene...
Read full storyTrials of a Down East Vacation
Reporting from the State of Maine. To get to Maine from Boston you must drive north on interstate 95. On the way stop in New Hampshire and pick up some bargain liquor. At least it seems to be bargain liquor prices until you add in the road tolls that subsidize the State Liquor Store. It may end up costing the same as at home, but you will be stocked up for the stay. In the interest of ke...
Read full storyAvril Lavigne Visits Deryck Whimbly in Hospital, and at McDonalds Where He Works
Punk poseur Avril Lavigne not only visited ex-husband Deryck Whimbly in a hospital where he was being treated for injuries suffered in a bar brawl, she visited him the next night at his gig; ordering a number 4 value meal,large, with a diet Coke.
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - McGill's Saucy Postcard Exhibition opens in Newport
Donald McGill is famed across the length of breadth and Britain for his saucy seaside postcards, but few know that he was born on the Isle of Wight and lived her for seventy of his sixty-four years. Now a permanent museum in Newport will house a c...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ventnor Country Show Will Go Ahead
The annual Ventnor Country Show that happens every year will not be stopped because of the restriction on horse movement put in place last week. Show organiser, William McWilliam, 44, is adamant: "The Ventnor country show even took place during th...
Read full storyCats Mia & Naomi in International Row
Two of the most beautiful cats in the world, known as Mia and Naomi, have been keeping not only Holland, where they are in conflict, but the whole world, awake with loud caterwauling. The reason for their conflict is due to Naomi getting a present...
Read full storyLevi Johnston Wants To Be The Next Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska
WASILLA, Alaska - Levi Johnston, the ex-future son-in-law of the ex-governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has just announced that he plans on running for mayor of the town of Wasilla. Johnston, who got back together with his baby's mother, Bristol Palin,...
Read full storyQueen Latifah and Her Personal Trainer Jeanette Jenkins Seen Bumpin' and Thumpin' on A Luxury Yacht Off The French Coast
ST. JEAN-CAP FERRAT, France - Queen Latifah, the hip hop rapper with the deep voice, manly figure, and crotch bulge that would make Lady Gaga cry is vacationing off the French coast with her fitness trainer Jeanette "Li'l One" Jenkins. The happy b...
Read full storyMary Hart To Join The Cast of "Two and A Half Men" As Charlie Sheen's New Maid Inger
HOLLYWOOD - Mary Hart wasted no time finding a job after being fired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight. The South Dakota native has signed on to join the cast of the top rated sit-com Two and A Half Men. Hart will portray Inger Sv...
Read full storyH&R Block Discover the Interwebs, Names Former eBay Executive to Board. --"This changes nothing," said H&R Block's CEO. "We'll still be bankrupt in a year."
Deflating corporate balloon H&R Block announced on Monday that it had elected a former eBay Inc. executive to its board. "Apparently there is this network of computing machines," says the H&R Block CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous. "And...
Read full storyMichelle Flamencos Tax Payers While Barack Practices Crossover Dribble
Unable to find time to be with her husband on his birthday, Michelle Obama, called by New York Daily News reporter, Andrea Tantaros, a "Modern-day Marie Antoinette" for her extravagant holiday in Spain, visited a bar in Sacromonte, Granada in Souther...
Read full storyDuct, Duct, Duct, Goosed. Or: Why Horace Took a Sick Day.
Meet Horace, a 44 year-old fire safety inspector. Horace is married, with 2 teen sons who excel in math, and a daughter who is on the Varsity soccer team at her high school. Horace has discount cards for Walgreens and Shop-Rite on his keychain, along with the key to his government-issued Ford Crown Victoria (Horace exclaims, "Its got the same engine as the police version!") as well as his wife'...
Read full storyTrace Adkins Perform at Tent City
Last night in a concert at the Cricket Wireless Pavilion, Trace Adkins made a sexual advance to those who don't like Sheriff Asspayu. The inebriated doped up hillbilly screamed. "anybody who doesn't like sheriff Asspayu can blow me". Every singl...
Read full storyStephen Hawking Claims Aliens Invading Humans from Inside Our Bodies
"You are no longer alone in your body," was the message of Stephen Hawking's latest talk on whether or not aliens do, in fact, exist on Earth. "You have been looking outside yourselves for little grey men with big bug eyes and brains the size of wate...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Tells Taylor Lautner, "You're Next!"
After the past week of words and fists flying between actor Robert Pattinson and ex-friend Tim Sturridge, Pattinson has now challenged Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner about his relationship with Kristen Stewart. "I don't know what you're talking a...
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