Isle of Wight News - Ryde Pier closed to vehicles "for the foreseeable future"

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - Ryde Pier closed to vehicles "for the foreseeable future"
No longer will planes be allowed to land on the pier, they must use the water beside it instead

For the foreseeable future, Ryde pier will be closed to vehicles. Ryde council have announced this measure following a safety inspection that discovered defects in the structure's structure.

Ryde Pier has long been a popular tourist destination for those people with vehicles, who would drive to the end of the pier, stare at the sea all around them, and then reverse back onto land. Now safety and health Health and Safety officials have found that this Victorian pier was not built with the ever increasing weight of vehicles in mind, and some of the wrought iron supports are warping.

"Warped wrought iron is not conducive to safety," said Hillman Pompousness, 36, head of Ryde's newly formed Health and Safety executive. "You could say that there is increasing pier pressure."

Currently, the pier is still open to foot traffic, and the many popular attractions that adorn it's three hundred foot length such as the candy-floss stand, the hot-dog stand, the hamburger stall, the chocolate shop and the nougat factory outlet, will continue to operate.

"We will keep a close eye on the structure," said Pompousness. "Although of solid Victorian construction, it may be that it is not suitable for the ever increasing weight of the visitors who walk along its length. Some of the wooden panels are over a hundred years old, and could give way at any time, should one not take a diet cola from the soda stall at the end of the pier."

Residents of Ryde have long admired their pier, and do not see the lack of vehicle traffic as a problem.

"Way I see it," said Oliver Pimple, a local resident, "is that it was built as a foot pier and there's no real need to send a car along it. It's only these fancydan mainlanders who've never seen the sea who feel the need."

Burt Burper, owner of the Soda Fountain at the end of the pier is upset: "I'm going to have to carry all my soda all the way to the end. It's Health and Safety gone mad!"

Pompousness had only one thing to say to that: "Dimple! Bicycle pump sciatica! Have you got a carrot?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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