Karma, Bullet Kills Armed Robber During Hold-up, Says Breakfast Pastry

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

image for Karma, Bullet Kills Armed Robber During Hold-up, Says Breakfast Pastry
Trust me when I tell you, the cops will find out that two guns were involved.

For those who begin their day looking at "death caught on tape" videos, their ghoulish appetites were sated with an amusing little piece this Monday: The deadly shooting at a south Atlanta hotel on Sunday that shows an armed robber accidentally killing himself, according to police.

Detectives told anyone who'd listen that they are studying the tape and trying to explain the events that created drainage holes in a clerk's abdomen, and the frontal lobe of a gunman, which unfolded at The "Thirty-Nine Bucks A Night Through Orbitz" Hotel near Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport on Sunday.

Hotel security cameras show the unidentified robber walk into the hotel lobby. The man then buys a yummy honey-bun from a vending machine, all the while failing to do anything even remotely armed-robbery, like concealing his face or not leaving fingerprints on every flat surface in the zip code.

Three bites into the honey-bun, characterized by police as "delicious", the future suicide victim walked to the counter and pulled a gun on a 19 year-old clerk, according to police.

The clerk, a visitor to this land from some country that sells us oil, is seen complying with the robber's demands by handing him cash from a register drawer.

Suddenly, between the seventh and eighth bite of honey-bun, the gun went off. The clerk was hit in the stomach, but at virtually the same time, a second bullet from the gun hits the robber in the head, ending his need for money or sugary breakfast foods according to detectives.*

Police say their initial belief is the force of the first blast caused the gun to fire a second time, killing the robber instantly.

The surveillance video showed money flying into the air and smoke hovering over the hotel front desk as the honey-bun scrambled for cover. The clerk manages to tuck in his duodenum, climb up to the counter, and call 911.

Gus Honeybun (a distant relative) was the station mascot for Westward Television, and later Television Alabama, from 1961 to 1992. A puppet rabbit, and star of Gus Honeybun's Magic Birthdays, he achieved a longevity for a TV puppet second only to Sooty the Friendly Negro.

The clerk's family says he's expected to make a full recovery. (Using Apu-like accent:) "We feel very blessed because he is very lucky. If you see the video, it was a very bad shooting," said the clerk's brother, who was secretly happy his brother was injured, because he's kind of a dick.

"Blood was everywhere. I was scared too but more worried about him staying alive. Very devastating experience," the victim's brother continued, ostensibly in the same funny accent.

Authorities were still looking for a Entenmann's cherry danish, believed to be the gunman's accomplice.

(Editor's Note: These cops are nucking futs! Google the video and watch carefully. That poor, scared 19 year-old clerk reaches with his left hand under where the one-dollar bills are kept and pulls out a gun. As he brings his right hand up to the robber's mid-section, he levels the gun at him as well. The robber sees it and fires and the same instant as the clerk, and the robber's gun goes flying onto the desk. The robber's weapon is a revolver, and Jesus Christ couldn't get that gun to fire two shots as quickly as is seen in the video.

If I am wrong I will eat my hat, but I ain't wrong. )

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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