Pilot of Wayward Plane Claims They Were Searching for Balloon Boy
The pilot of the flight that flew past its destination Wednesday claimed in preliminary hearings that he and his co-pilot were headed for Larimer County, Colorado, "in search of 'balloon boy'." The pilot testified Saturday during the first phase o...
Read full storySenator complains to his wife
Tulsa, Oklahoma - Senator Ted Nielson complained to his wife this morning while getting ready for his day. His outburst started with a small cry of pain. "Damn that pin!", said the Senator, sucking on his wounded finger. "That's the fifth time t...
Read full storyBenitez Faces 'Bloody Sunday' Without Stevie G
Looks like today is shit or bust time for Rafa Benitez as his under fire team take on Sir Alex Ferguson's Manchester United team at Anfield. Without totemic inspiration Stevie Gerrard. The Liverpool club's American owners have never been big fa...
Read full storyUK Scientists Give Fly False Memories, Ulcer
Oxford, England: In a breakthrough for neuroscience, scientists at the Costalot Coffee Oxford University have given a fly false memories using a laser. The work was announced by Professor Vissarion Meerschaum. His team had spent painstaking month...
Read full storyJ-Cup Street lobby group works on loosening big breasts' grip on Congress
Washington - (Scroll Down Mammary Lane): A pro-Israeli lobby group fondled, er...founded! - by Lord Levy's son Daniel and Bill Clinton cigar adviser Jeremy Ben-Ami is schmoozing Capitol Hill like crazy. The J-Cup Street Lobby group has sworn to d...
Read full storyMossad blowjob softens Ahmadinejad's nuke stance
Tehran - (Apostate Filth): A foretaste of afterlife virgins pandering to his every manly need has seen Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's legendary ballistic temper soften to post-coital detumescence. Last week's uranium enrichment talks in Vien...
Read full storySuperFlu sweeps nation
Stovington, Vermont - Dr. Denninger of the Center for Disease Control has confirmed that this latest strain of flu, know as "SuperFlu" or "Captain Tripps" is now at the level of a national emergency. Government officials have heretofore been retic...
Read full storyObama Contemplates Naming Ralph Nader NFL Pay Czar: Players Demand Limbaugh Be Named New NFL Commisioner!
In a wild weekend in Washington, reports have leaked out that President Barack Hussein Obama is contemplating naming Ralph Nader to be the new NFL Pay Czar in order to get waffling white republicans to back his health care plan. The report, leaked...
Read full storySocial workers took Kate Middleton's twin brats into care
Fife, Scotland - (Drainspotting): 'A skag addict with a dose of the clap? Of course Social Services pounced on her soon as the twin boys were spawned!' That seems to be the gist of an LA FagHagSlagMag feature this weekend giving a blowjob by blowj...
Read full storyPamela Anderson Claims Trick or Treater Stole Her Pumpkins!
Hollywood, California/Agricultural News - Hollywood babe Pamela Anderson claimed today she was a victim of a cruel Halloween trick or treater who held her at gun point until she gave him her pumpkins! The former Tool Time air ratchet, Bay Watch Bi...
Read full storyBeckham could be a man says doctor
EXCLUSIVE: In a shock twist to the already twisted saga of the Beckham Brand, one doctor claims to have evidence that Victoria was born a man. Milwaukee gynaecologist Dr David Pupkin said there was "no doubt" in his mind that Victoria was male.
Read full storyJustin Timberlake's Stalker Has Been Named The Nation's #1 Stalker!
MALIBU BEACH - Justin Timberlake's attorney has just announced that Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Dante Cunnowitz has issued a temporary restraining order against Kiki McFixx, the woman who has been following Timberlake around for the past two yea...
Read full storyHome Secretary on the ropes but is she also on thin ice?
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is rumoured to be joining hit TV show Dancing on Ice. Smith, whose time in office was stained thanks to her husband openly masturbating, has neither confirmed the stories nor denied them. A spokesperson said: "It's a...
Read full storyThe Barack Obama Children's Alphabet Encyclopedia
Hello children, and American voters, welcome to my book, The Barack Obama Children's Alphabet Encyclopedia, by Barack Hussein Obama. Just read this book and you too will be at last be able to understand CNN news like the grown-ups do, and hey, you might learn some speling out of it! A is for Afghanistan An ancient country near Israel, full of Muslims with beards, and a place that heroic Amer...
Read full story"Bring It On XIV: The Prison Years" to be released
Hollywood, California - There's a new reason for the season this year, and it's name is "Bring It On XIV: The Prison Years"! Move over, Jesus, move over Santa, these girls are ready to cheer, and they aren't taking a back seat to anyone! Yes, in...
Read full story'Stick it up your Jumper' star tells all
'Stick It up Your Jumper!' star Caffy Buckle will feature in ITV2's new series 'Lunchbreaks'. Buckle who last year starred in the Broadway production of 'Get Down Shep!' has spoken of her delight at being back on home soil. Caffy, it's good to have you back - how was life in the States? It was great. They really made me feel at home. I'm even on surname terms with Scorcese and Di Caprio!...
Read full storyInvestigation Reveals $700M Iraq Embassy 'Unfit for Habitation'!
Just 9 short months after taking possession of the world's largest and most costly embassy, US investigators have found it will take over $130M to fix the mess! Covering over 100 acres and more than 21 buildings meant to house over 1,000 State Dep...
Read full storyZero Vote Predicted For Next General Election
Analysts working for CYNIC, the market research firm hired by the Government to give it unbiased predictions, today announced that it forecast a turnout of 0% for the next General Election. 'Taking all things into account', Professor Hawkings of t...
Read full storySurprise late entry in the 'Worst American President in History' contest
The 'Worst American President in History' contest is due to be held soon, and the contestants had already been announced - George Dumbya Moron, Bill Dumb Clinton, Jimmy Dumber Carter, Richard Trickson, Ronald Moran, and John Frankfurter Kenteethy. Bu...
Read full story'Travelers' Take Over of Stonehenge Supported by Crown Justice
A few remaining natural born Brits were turned away from picketing Stonehenge today after a Crown Magistrate upheld the 'squatters rights' petition put forward by a band of travelers in trailers who moved onto the historic site late friday night, and...
Read full storyTop Gear trio win prestigious 2009 television award
It was no contest at the Ritz in London last night, when, after a lavish dinner and much mutual ego masturbating, televisions 'Top Gear' was, amongst much pomp and posturing, declared this years winner of the prestigious 'Arrogant Bastards of the Yea...
Read full storyUS pilot denies cockpit booze - says saw 'balloon boy'
DENVER, CO - The pilot of the now infamous flight to nowhere claims he was not drinking in the cockpit, this time. He claims, according to my source, the stewardess he slept with last night, that he in fact saw balloon boy at 36,000 feet. He is afr...
Read full story'Balloon Boy' is the son of the Pope
VATICAN - Larry King told me the truth about 'balloon boy'. These accounts might not air next week. The Pope sired 'balloon boy' for the express purpose of raising money for wayward nuns, according to Larry's source, Mother Titsworth, mother of...
Read full storyNanotech breakthrough - Welsh economy on the brink, saved
In glorious flashbacks to street-parties of times past, the Deputy First Minister of Wales, acting as spokesperson for "Pick at Us", announced a breakthrough new pioneering highly marketable high profit low cost high job creation technology from the...
Read full story"With Every Cloud Comes a Uranium Lining"
Nanotechnology Comes Up With New Levers to Control the British Economy. With the 'incredibly shrinking British economy' comes a life-line: nano-levers. Very small levers for controlling a very small economy. "We need levers that operate...
Read full storyWenger scores with his tiny balls
Arsene Wenger will no doubt be nursing a hangover this morning after celebrating a stupendous win with Subutteo. The football manager with the Thunderbird face proved he was no puppet yesterday as he slammed home a record 13 goals. He said: "I...
Read full storyMan blames BBC for becoming BNP supporter
Following the appearance on Question Time by British National Party leader Nick Griffin, a Slough man has blamed the BBC for becoming a convert to the right wing party. Simon Fisher, 42, says his 50 minute exposure to the BNP leader changed his li...
Read full storyTurk reveals "I'm Jackson kids father"
Istanbul, Turkey. Mustafa Ahmed, a devoted philanthropist and popular inventor, has stepped forward claiming to be the father of Michael Jackson's children. He says that following a Turkish competition, the gloved one chose him from a field of 30 peo...
Read full storyNot Another Polish Joke! Biden in Warsaw Causes More US Backlash!
Continuing the world's concept of Poland being the brunt of ethnic jokes, President ' Barack America' popped yet another laugh at the Poles expense by sending VP Joe Biden to discuss improving Polish-American Relations. Biden, adept at putting bot...
Read full storyNew breakthrough claims made for 'solid water'
Cambridge: Dr Mike Cummerbatch has rocked the world of science by claiming to have discovered 'solid water'. The claims, which were published in the respected journal It's Science Innit?, are the culmination of 20 years work in the field of water.
Read full storyPeople want the post strike to remain longer
Hopes post backlog will clear by the posties being on strike longer: Three hundred further days of strikes are planned this year Royal Mail hopes to be able to clear a backlog of billions of items before a second wave of strikes. The company puts...
Read full storyBNP leader admits he only really questions time and didn't actually want to appear on the BBC
The leader of the British Nasty Party, the Rev Dr Nick Nasty, said in an interview last night that his appearance on the BBC's Question Time programme was actually a complete mistake. What he had said earlier in the month had been taken totally ou...
Read full storyNick Griffin named new Liverpool manager
Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, has been named as the new manager of Liverpool FC after the shock departure of Rafa Benitez yesterday. At a hushed press conference, the Liverpool board explained that, though he doesn't yet possess the correct FA...
Read full storyObama adds Abbot-Royce dispute to his plate
President Barack Obama today weighed in on the long-running Abbot-Royce dispute, which has festered for over 120 years. Dr. Francis Ellingwood Abbot claimed in 1891 that Dr. Royce's review of his book "The Way out of Agnosticism" falsely accused...
Read full storyGM Eggs will prevent a smashing good time
Leading Supermarket retailer Morrisainscoda are selling Genetically Modified eggs produced by chickens that have been invested with a tortoise shell producing gene in a direct challenge to environmentalists who fear that so called Frankenstein food w...
Read full storyIsrael sets holocaust denier free
Tel Aviv, Israel - Dr. Johann Himmler was released from prison today, after a harrowing three week ordeal in which he faced up to ten years in prison for holocaust denial. It started last month when he was scheduled to fly to Tehran to promote his...
Read full storyPresident Obama Releases "The White House Enemies List"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House Press Secretary Cal Colfax has said that President Obama has decided to give in to public opinion and release the so called 'White House Enemies List.' Colfax was quick to point out that White House Enemies Lists are...
Read full storyVice President Joe Biden Tells Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney To Shut Up!
CHEYENNE, Wyoming - Vice-President Joe Biden was in town speaking before The Yellowstone National Park Save The Andalusian Pill Bug From Extinction Committee Conference. The Committee treasurer said that the committee is strictly funded by the don...
Read full storyDaily Telemail Endorses BNP for 2010
London, UK In a move that has surprised many, national newspaper The Daily Telemail has announced that it will be supporting the far-right British National Party in the run up to the 2010 general election. "We have found that, more than any other...
Read full storyFeminist complain that society is using men as sex objects
New York - At a news conference in New York City, feminist complained that sexual objectification of boys and men in U.S. culture that was so indignantly challenged by many Second Wave feminists and masculanist is now present, normalized and even emb...
Read full storyCatholic Priest Performs Exorcism At Anfield
A Catholic Priest has performed an exorcism at Anfield in a bid to improve Liverpool's struggling form. After a run of defeats the club was prepared to try anything to turn things around. Father Ian Rush sprinkled holy water over the two penalty s...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan says she is addicted to hot and spicy baby octopus
Phnom Penh - Lindsay Lohan was caught at a Cambodian Restaurant eating her favorite dish of hot and spicy baby octopus. A team of reporters surprised her at the restaurant after tailing her all over Cambodia. She was interviewed while dinning at...
Read full storyCabinet Minister's "stinking" denial
Culture Secretary Derek Beagle last night issued a humiliating denial following accusations he had been sniffing toilet paper. Beagle, 59, and until recently considered a safe pair of hands was forced into the denial following months of whispering...
Read full storyL.A. Lakers Coach Phil Jackson Fears Khloe Kardashian-Odom Will Jinx The Team
LOS ANGELES - Well it did not take long. Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson told a reporter for Sports Illustrated that he is afraid that the new Mrs. Lamar Odom, aka Khloe Kardashian may bring bad luck to the Lakers team. Phil made his remark...
Read full storyNick Griffin Takes on Magenta
London - Flush with newfound credibility as a political leader on the Beeb, BNP leader Nick Griffin has announced that his next move to make Britain all-white will be to take on Magenta with possible Cyan and Yellow to follow shortly thereafter which...
Read full storyChanging Rooms Team Really Piss Off The Pope
The Pope was reported to be 'seriously pissed off' tonight after the BBC's 'Changing Rooms' team descended on the Vatican Museums and used graffiti cleaning chemicals to 'clean up' the Raphael Rooms and the Sistene Chapel. "This is a disgrace!" on...
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